Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A Beautiful Becoming

Today was my birthday, and my sweet mom gifted me with a few hours to myself while she watched the kids.  So I had a fun birthday lunch with my hubby, cashed in my free birthday drink at Starbucks and quietly seated myself in our local library with time to write....something I've been wanting to do for ages.  But writing today has been much harder than I thought it would be.  Actually I knew it would be difficult so to ease myself in, I checked my email, read birthday wishes on Facebook, checked Instagram, read entertainment news online, spent time reading some of my favorite blogs, checked the news headlines, checked the weather multiple times (in case it changed in the last half hour) and of course checked my email again.  I have done practically everything BUT write anything. I'm sure if I was at home, I would have cleaned the kitchen and started a load of laundry or two as well.  Anything but what I'm supposed to be doing.  

Writing feels foreign to me.  Awkward.  Truly difficult. Clunky. Painful even.  A muscle that has not been worked in far too long I wonder if there is even a muscle there anymore!  I have so much to say, but I have completely forgotten how to say things here after being gone for so long. Where and how do I even begin again? 

One thing I know for sure is that in my life, I am supposed to be writing.  Without question.  It is a call on my heart that I feel every. single. day. It helps me to be the true person I'm supposed to be and is a big part of the me I used to be- a part of myself that I miss.  I feel enormously guilty for disobeying this call on my heart and feel that not writing is a big reason I have felt rather personally lost for the past couple of years.

I have contemplated completely quitting many times this past year, (you probably actually thought I did) but I just could not pull the plug (sorry for the horrible unintentional pun) even though I could not write.  Do I start a new blog? (That is still being prayed about).  Do I switch blogging platforms? Do I try and find my "official niche" in the blogging world or do I just plug along and write about life in general?  I have decided to just write about my life- nothing special, nothing in particular, just things I am doing and learning about and celebrating along the way.  

I'm reminded that writing takes practice.  It is a discipline that requires intention, time and effort. I have allowed what once brought me great joy, peace and connection to wither unattended.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed at my recklessness and for taking for granted that there are even people who want to step in and spend time here with me in my corner of the world. If there is even anyone reading this, I just want to say, I love and appreciate you tremendously and I'm sorry for taking you for granted.

This post has been hard to write and I'm sure even harder to read, but having it under my belt feels freeing to me.  My heart feels released to start fresh.   I celebrate this new opportunity to become who it is I am supposed to be.  God is not finished with me yet and I am reminded of this as I sit on the cusp of this new year of life.  It is a gift to become, to grow and change and I am free to leave the guilt of past mistakes behind.  I do not want to bring that baggage forward with me into this new, fresh year.  I can flee from the worry of what people will say or think about the clunkiness of this here blog...the stops, starts, blurs, breaks....It is what it is and it will be what it will be.  It is a platform I have been blessed to have and I simply need to show up and allow Him to show me what to share and write about.  It is His blog, not mine.  I'm good with that.  There is a fresh peace in my heart about it.  

This place has been sacred for me through some of my darkest hours and for the longest time it did not feel like my own any more.  I surrendered ground without a fight and did not feel welcome here- not because of anything someone said, but because of whose Voice I was (or more importantly wasn't) listening to in my heart. Comparison, condemnation, guilt, shame...they were loud and they were lies. 

 It feels lovely to be back here again.  I'm happy to be writing again.  I am reclaiming this space as sacred and holy for myself and it is beautiful.  It feels lovely.  I'm excited to see what it can become with some time, some intention and a whole lot of love.  It is going to take awhile to build up my expressive muscles again, but I'm confident they are still there and can be re-discovered and re-developed. 

Thank you for allowing me to wander and for welcoming me back again.  It feels so good to be back in the blogging world again.