In my past- like it is for so many, January has always been my month of renewal. New goals, renewed interest in organization and clarity, a fresh outlook and perspective on life for the fresh, untouched, unstained new year. My birthday is in January, so always before, I have used that date as my personal 'new year' for all of my reflecting and dreaming for the year that is passing and the year that is dawning. This January I found was different for me. As it approached, I felt that my 'new year' was going to begin on January 5th- the day after Luke's birthday. For me, that day felt like a new beginning. In my mind, that would be the day where I would hopefully start feeling like I had my life back a little bit- as far as not marking major milestones in our journey of grief, better able to make plans for our future, freedom to dream and hope again, open to being emotionally available for new growth, as well as letting myself savor and enjoy these final few weeks and months at home with Joe just the two of us, all while looking ahead and trying to prepare and anticipate as much as one can, for the radical life changes that are ahead for us when our little lady arrives in early May.
Those were my plans and ideas of what January was going to be like, and as usual, God had a few additional and different ideas for how I would be spending these past 33 days.
The day before Luke's birthday, my family lost one of its most defining members: my dear Uncle Ed who passed away at the age of 93. He had fallen over Christmas and his health was rapidly declining, so we knew it was coming, but you are just never ready to officially say good bye. In a familiar parallel, his passing and subsequent remembrance services fell on the exact anniversary (day-wise, not date wise) of Luke's the previous year. So in addition to our emotional heavy-ness with Luke's birthday and how best to remember and celebrate him, there was a flurry of family flying into town, lots of meals to help prepare and logistics to arrange. Uncle Ed was a man beloved by many and will be truly missed by all of us who had the joy of knowing him.
In the middle of the month, Joe and I began to finally think through all we need to do in order to prepare for our baby's arrival in a few short months. We had not allowed ourselves to think or prepare or make plans for her until we had been reassured by several doctors and sonograms that everything is looking great and that she indeed will be coming home to live with us after she is born. So after receiving the great news around Christmastime, we finally started making our lists, meeting with our financial planners, insurance people, moving furniture, decluttering our entire home to make room. (*side note-We have removed almost 1/2 of our furniture from our house to make room for her! We will be doing a blog post later on all we are doing, but it has been a major undertaking! Next up is the painting, priming, designing etc of her nursery (as well as a few other rooms in our house!))
I traveled to sunny San Diego, California for a week toward the end of the month to attend a conference for work. It was beautiful to be outside in the sunshine and to have some time to just be still and quiet too. I had a hotel room to myself and part of me could not help but wonder when the next time I would have that luxury again over the course of the next several years of my life. I tried to savor and enjoy every minute of it that I could.
It was while I was in California that I learned that my sweet grandmother had passed away. Her health also began to steeply decline recently, so it was not a surprise, but still difficult as she was my last surviving grandparent. She lived to be 92 and we celebrated her life last Saturday with a beautiful, small family service and dinner. She would have loved her service as it was truly lovely. She will be missed as well.
Between all of the losses, the family gatherings, the travels, the home re-no/chaos on top of all of the "normal life" work and responsibilities, it has been a blur of a month. Part of me wanted to move my emotional 'new start' day to February 1 in order to be able to feel more fully present in my "beginning," but a quiet part of my heart reminded me, that it is amidst this real life living that if we allow ourselves to be, we can be renewed right where we are, right in the middle of everything that is going on. We are not always given the gift of fresh starts and blank schedules in order for "newness" to feel "new" or settle into our hearts. Sometimes renewal is the product of refining and refining often does not feel restful or restorative. Starting fresh is a choice we are given daily, we have only to choose how we perceive our circumstances and surroundings. So feeling a bit emotionally breathless and worn out, that is what I decided to do. I chose to claim January for what it was- a very difficult and busy month; one full of lessons, moments, good byes, endings, beginnings, hugs, tears and hopefully a little progress. Being able to reflect upon it with the perspective of it not just as a month of refining but also renewal feels like a gift in itself.
I'm looking forward to all that is ahead in this awakening of a new year and new chapter in my life....bring on February!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Our 2011 Gratitude Project
Joe and I have a friend named Amy G. and she is an AMAZING photographer and does one of the coolest things with her pal Cari. Every year, they select a topic and then have a little project around that topic and photography. Joe and I always enjoy looking to see their latest posts. You can check out their blog and archive of posts here.
So, in thinking of things that we wanted to work on together this year, photography and creativity was on both of our lists and we thought it would be fun to launch our own photography project. Our topic for this year is ‘gratitude’ and we will do a project post on Sundays. So everyone understands what we are doing, here are the project rules we borrowed directly from Cari and Amy's blog...
The rules are as follows:
1. Photo must be taken by Joe and by Sarah.
2. Photo must be taken between the Sunday of the previous week and the Sunday of the post.
3. There must be no discussion beforehand of which photo we are posting.
4. Photo must be taken of something that causes us to have a moment of gratitude.
Enjoy.
Copyright restrictions:
All images are property of the artists. Please do not use without permission. If you'd like to use our images on the web or obtain a print of a diptych, please contact us at joeandsarah@lassoingthemoon.com for pricing and release information.
We hope you enjoy!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
He Gives and Takes Away
Last year, the holidays were not about miracles, beauty or joy for me. They were about fear, loss, feeling isolated and forgotten by God. It was so difficult for me to see anything that was being given, only what was being taken away. Over the past year, I have been asking God to reveal to me where he was during our struggles because I know that he never left our sides and never stopped working on our behalf...even if we could not see him. In my heart I know he was right beside us through it all, but the reality was that at times, it felt like he was far away and had forgotten us too. So I have been praying for clarity and that he would reveal to me some of the ways he worked.
As I have gone back over the past year, my heart has been broken again as God has chosen to reveal to me so many of the ways he WAS providing and loving and caring for our little family and our hearts along this journey...and not just in 2010, but in the months leading up to Luke's birth as well. It has been overwhelming and incredibly humbling to realize and recognize with such clarity the ways he loved us exactly as he knew we would need to be loved. He is amazing like that and I hate to admit that it sometimes takes me over a year to recognize it and put it into words.
It has taken me a very long, painful year (plus a few extra months!) to reach this place, but I'm here and with this being a brand new year and all, I want to drive this stake in the ground and claim this territory of our journey for gratitude for ALL he has done- not just the amazing miracles of Luke's life and our beautiful moments with him on his birthday and the heartache that followed, but for all of the extra gifts he blessed us with along the way as well. Gifts that I could not fully appreciate in the moment, but am and remain completely indebted for now. He was truly giving where he was also taking away. I just could not see how he was working until recently. So, as I continue to learn to navigate through my sorrow, I'm also going to be working hard to develop the ability to celebrate the joys and the beauty that I'm (re)discovering are and have been along this path the whole time.
So over the next several days and weeks, I'm going to do a small series of posts on our gifts and experiences of beauty and hope from our path, not just because they are so special and are truly a part of our story, but because we always want to remember His faithfulness and His goodness. By retelling these parts of our story too, we can return here when days become difficult again (which we know they will eventually) and remember how He sustained us and cared for us during our darkest hours. We will be able to draw strength, faith and courage from our stories of the past as we face new adventures and challenges in our futures.
He is faithful. He does provide. He does love. He does care. He understands better than we do what we need in order to serve him best. Sometimes I forget these things and that is why it is so important for me to remember.
As I have gone back over the past year, my heart has been broken again as God has chosen to reveal to me so many of the ways he WAS providing and loving and caring for our little family and our hearts along this journey...and not just in 2010, but in the months leading up to Luke's birth as well. It has been overwhelming and incredibly humbling to realize and recognize with such clarity the ways he loved us exactly as he knew we would need to be loved. He is amazing like that and I hate to admit that it sometimes takes me over a year to recognize it and put it into words.
It has taken me a very long, painful year (plus a few extra months!) to reach this place, but I'm here and with this being a brand new year and all, I want to drive this stake in the ground and claim this territory of our journey for gratitude for ALL he has done- not just the amazing miracles of Luke's life and our beautiful moments with him on his birthday and the heartache that followed, but for all of the extra gifts he blessed us with along the way as well. Gifts that I could not fully appreciate in the moment, but am and remain completely indebted for now. He was truly giving where he was also taking away. I just could not see how he was working until recently. So, as I continue to learn to navigate through my sorrow, I'm also going to be working hard to develop the ability to celebrate the joys and the beauty that I'm (re)discovering are and have been along this path the whole time.
So over the next several days and weeks, I'm going to do a small series of posts on our gifts and experiences of beauty and hope from our path, not just because they are so special and are truly a part of our story, but because we always want to remember His faithfulness and His goodness. By retelling these parts of our story too, we can return here when days become difficult again (which we know they will eventually) and remember how He sustained us and cared for us during our darkest hours. We will be able to draw strength, faith and courage from our stories of the past as we face new adventures and challenges in our futures.
He is faithful. He does provide. He does love. He does care. He understands better than we do what we need in order to serve him best. Sometimes I forget these things and that is why it is so important for me to remember.
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