Luke's Friends

I have millions of fears. Big ones, little ones, fleeting ones, irrational ones, situational ones...  My fears hold me back from what I can become and from where I'm destined to go.  I know this.  I know their M.O. yet I sometimes allow them to hold me prisoner.  They prevent me from improving myself, keep me from risking, stunt the growth of my spirit, and confine my heart's secret dreams.  These fears tell me that they are "keeping me safe," and "protecting me" only, what I know is that sometimes being and feeling "safe" is not always necessarily a good thing.

I'm talking about my fears around starting to meet and spend time with Luke's friends.  You see, eleven of my friends had baby boys starting in November 2009 and ending in February 2010, with Luke being born right in the middle bringing the total to TWELVE baby boys.  I refer to them as Luke's friends because I know he would have grown up with them, gone to school with some of them, played with them, laughed with them... I have really struggled with this aspect of losing Luke because not only did we have to say goodbye to him, but there are eleven little guys within weeks of his age all around us reminding us of what he would be doing these days...They remind me that Luke should be growing bigger too instead of remaining the squishy adorable newborn he is in the photos we treasure.  They remind me afresh of all we are missing.

If I think too long about this, I just want to scream to the heavens how unfair I feel this all is. How much it hurts, how much I miss him and how I never want to feel this much pain ever again.  So I have put off this part of my healing journey...I have locked this part of my heart up these past few months and have not dared to open the door for fear of the emotional tidal wave hiding inside.  My beautiful friends who are the mamas of Luke's friends, have been so amazing and supportive of me as I have understandably avoided looking at or meeting their beloved, precious and long awaited for beautiful babies. I have felt like a horrible friend, but deep down I know I am not.  I know I have just been protecting my fragile heart from further crushing pain.  It has been an act of self preservation to be sure, but now, I believe in order to self preserve for the long term, the season has arrived for me to finally meet these little guys (and a few sweet baby gals too) face to face.

People have encouraged me not to rush in, to be patient and not to push myself, but the truth is, I haven't been rushing.  I have been afraid and avoiding and trying to pretend that as I'm continuing to feel stronger and better every day- that the bulk of the difficult heart-breaking work in this healing journey is behind me.  But until I spend time with these little guys (and those few little gals too), there will always be that barrier of fear between me and babies.  The truth is, I'm so scared that I will just bawl my eyes out all over their beautiful little faces, or that I will just never want to let them go and/or that I will fall back into the abyss of grief I've worked so hard to climb out of...I am deathly afraid of never feeling better and that by pressing on my wound it will never heal.  I'm afraid that my heart will break all over again and that I won't be able to recover, that I will make everyone uncomfortable, that I will realize that I have not really healed at all and that this horrible heartache will never, ever go away or end. That my heart will just be broken forever.

But I'm also afraid that if I don't meet these babies and work on spending time with them, that I will forever be afraid to see babies, hold babies, hear babies, talk about babies, celebrate new babies and that I will not feel free to celebrate my own future babies or be celebrated because of the my own feelings of guilt over my unwillingness to celebrate others' joy and happiness in their journeys to motherhood.  I want to celebrate and be celebrated- freely, knowing that I'm giving, have given and will continue to offer my absolute best that my heart has to offer- without regret and without expectation.  I want freedom from this tether of fear and grief, but I also know that this particular part of the journey will not be easy or quick.

So now that I've decided it is time to begin pushing into this arena of healing, I've been trying to be gentle with my heart because it sure feels like there are suddenly babies all around me.  Crying babies, happy babies at Target, sleeping babies in their carriers, babies in their strollers out for a walk, beautiful little faces on facebook pages, pregnant bellies, new adopted babies, newly born babies...they are everywhere and every single time I hear or see them, my heart breaks in a special Luke-shaped way.  Still.  Every. Single. Time....and I feel like I'm drowning again.

So in effort to honor my heartache while at the same time gradually fighting back against my fears, I have decided to ease into things and have started by looking at the photos of my friend's babies posted on facebook and while that has been extremely difficult, I have also surprised myself because it also feels unexpectedly a little bit freeing for me too. I am able to notice how a once impossible idea now feels a smidge easier and not as scary as it once did for me.   I've also started making "dates" to meet and hold some of Luke's friends for maybe just a few minutes at a time, a little bit here and there, and I'm finding myself in some moments of the day suddenly more afraid not to do this than to actually do it (if that makes any kind of sense at all).

I know I will cry, feel overwhelmed with pain, and of course miss Luke more than ever, but I am just going to try to keep getting back up and doing it again and again until it starts hurting a little bit less and my heart feels a little bit stronger and then a little bit stronger....

My prayer remains that as I work on pushing fear out of my heart, that somehow, some way...hope will find its way in.... 

*To my incredible community of sister friends around me who continue to love, encourage, pray for and help me: you have held my hands and my heart every step of the way...and I love you for your grace, support and patience with me. I would truly be lost without you. - xo thank you