My bag is packed, errands are run, the house is clean, the laundry and dishes are done, the to-do list is completed and now all that is left for me to do is wait. Wait for Joe to get home from work. Wait to go to bed so we can wake up and go to the hospital. Wait as the doctors and nurses prep me for surgery, wait as the minutes count down until we get to meet our beautiful daughter tomorrow morning. Waitwaitwait.
Sometimes, if you are lucky, waiting is easy and if you can stay busy, you almost forget you are waiting. But other times it feels like time crawls and the waiting feels next to impossible. What makes the reality of waiting so difficult is that it generally requires that we become still and recognize that there is nothing we can do to change the outcome of what is about to happen- and we do not know the outcome! We have to simply stop, surrender our hearts and hopes, trust and pray. Waiting well and full surrender brings with it no guarantees. Sometimes we wait and feel rewarded while other times we are flooded with disappointment.
In my adult life, I have waited to marry the right man, waited to start my family until well into my 30s, waited the long 9+ months while our babies grew in my belly, waited to say hello and goodbye to my son all in the same day, waited for my daughter's arrival on pins and needles, waited for Joe to find a job, waited for Joe to find the
right job, waited on test results, waited for my broken heart to heal, waited for death's sting to lessen, waited while my life transformed itself into something new and unexpected, waited to see how much longer I would have to work in the professional world, waited to see if my prayers would be answered....yes, it has been a whole lot of w.a.i.t.i.n.g. - and I know I'm far from finished!
What most people might not know about me is that I am
not a patient person. To the untrained eye, I may appear patient, but in my heart I am anything but. Waiting well is a struggle for me and as I continue forward in my journey of learning, I cannot help but wonder if God continues to provide me with so many major -and undeniable- opportunities to wait because he is trying to strengthen this characteristic in me.
Last fall, on a particularly difficult night for me, I heard someone say that when we ask God to make us a patient (you can fill in your own blank) person, he does not simply immediately transform our hearts, but instead, provides us with opportunities to turn to him and allow him to work in our lives as He develops that character quality in our hearts and lives...over and over, he will do this until we begin to slowly exhibit the desired characteristic. These words made sense to me and helped me to glimpse how even through my struggles, disappointments and what felt like failures and heartbreaks, God was working proactively in my life and was actually calling these experiences and moments
opportunities. I had only to surrender and trust His higher ways for my life. It was a complete paradigm shift for me- one that began to plant seeds of gratitude in my heart for the struggles and disappointments I was dealing with at the time.
I look back over all of the moments and difficult experiences and challenges I have faced and see how despite my tears, frustrations, crashes, disappointments and struggles, God was working in my heart and life to bring me to the place where I am today: healthy, happy, about to give birth to a beautiful daughter, crazy in love with my husband, sitting alone (probably for the last time in a long time!) in a clean and quiet house, a newly minted official stay at home mom, married to the man of my dreams, feeling kicks in my belly, eager and excited for all that is ahead. Happy and thankful.
I know I would not be able to celebrate and enjoy this little moment or give thanks for it they way I am today without experiencing all of the struggles and heartbreak and waiting for the unknown and un-understandable I have had along the path to this day and these moments. Thank you, God for saying 'no' and for seeing the much bigger and happier 'yes' I could not see, imagine or dream for myself. I have a feeling I'm just catching a glimpse of the very beginning of a beautiful new chapter in my life and I'm happily counting down to tomorrow morning, waiting for it to begin.
