August and Everything After.... Part 1

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story always winds back to August...a few Augusts ago...

When I think about when my current faith adventure truly began, I know without question that it was during the summer of 2006...(interestingly almost exactly twenty years after I accepted Christ as my savior!)  In between that bright and shiny day in 1986 and that grown up summer of 2006 was a wild trail of thrills, wanderings, growth, doubts, fears, repentance, dreams, fun, rejections, rebuilding, reconnecting and re-imaginings.  In 1986, I was fearless because I did not know any different.  I did not know that life could throw curve balls the size of boulders, that faith could be easy or it could leave you feeling like you were dangling over the edge of a cliff holding tight for dear life. In the summer of 1986, I was just getting ready to enter middle school, I felt alive and open to all of the adventure, purpose and calling that God spoke over my life.  My confidence had not been cracked yet and I felt like I could see my future life...school, college, husband, kids, fun, friends, church....it all looked bright and sparkly from my perspective that summer at camp when I really met Jesus for the first time.

Flashing forward to that summer of 2006, I felt happy.  I was settled in my career, happy with my job, surrounded by tons of friends, I lived in a cute, fun little house I had bought with my own money, I was known and connected at my church, I was getting back into shape physically, I basically felt anchored in every area except for the ever elusive husband and happy family ...which happened to consume about 95% of my thoughts and hopes for my life.

By this time in my life, I had found my way back to God and was reveling in the richness of the community of other amazing single friends he had surrounded me with in this season. By this time, most of my life long friends were married, having babies, making lives of their own with some even moving across the country to build their lives.  Thanks to the joy of new friendships in my life and a deep hunger in my soul for God, I found myself again interested in what He was doing in my life and was excited to grow and learn all I could about Him.  I was content to surrender my singleness and let Him have his way with my life.  Interestingly, as I surrendered, I found my calendar packed with parties, concerts, weddings, trips, gatherings, friends, bonfires, special meals and my heart was postured wide open and full of hope for my future.  However, I also understood on a deeper level that life's twists and turns could be brutal, but could also be beautiful.  

It was during this summer of 2006, that I met Joe.  (Although strangely enough when I think of this summer, meeting Joe is not the big even that stands out in my mind).  I say that I met him over the summer, but truthfully, we had known each other here and there a little bit over the previous year as our paths crossed at different events, but neither one of us recalls the actual first meeting outside of that summer.  But I know thanks to my journals, that it was during the summer of 2006, that I really "met" him.  We started spending time together getting to know each other through long conversations over coffee, in corners at parties chatting the night away, beside bonfires laughing and talking with friends deep into the night, always, always losing track of time when we were together.  When I met him, I knew I liked him.  Straight away.  As for what he was thinking, I had no clue, because he was genuinely one of the nicest, kindest people I had ever met and he treated everyone around him well, so it was difficult to discern whether or not I was being given any special attention or if he was just being "Joe."

Realizing I was interested in him was kind of a quandry for me because I had been on a self-imposed "break" from dating.  I was taking a break from setting my hopes on guys without God's blessing.  I was taking a break from driving the ship and was determined to let God direct my path in the romance department because I had made a mess of it so many times in the past.  I was in the practice of surrendering my hope in this area, which admittedly was much easier when there was not one particular person I was interested in!

So when I started spending a little bit of time here and there with Joe, I had to really exercise some self discipline in not letting my thoughts race away with the "What is he thinking?s" - the "What does that mean?" - the "I wonder...s" Which if you know anything about women, those kinds of thoughts tend to be second nature.  I was also determined to not become the "buddy" girl.  Even though I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, he was not really asking me out per se.  Our time together (aside from one or two instances) was mostly at parties, on trips, at gatherings or in the company of a group.  I began to wonder if he was interested in me as more than a friend, or if I was just imagining that our conversations carried more weight and meaning than they actually did....and I loved this not knowing and also hated it just a little bit.

In July that summer, my heart had its answer.  I started to notice Joe spending time with another girl in our same social circle.  Eventually my worst fears were confirmed thanks to some detective work of some diligent friends, it was uncovered that Joe was officially seeing this other girl.  I don't want to comment about her, but I will just say that she and I did not really have much in common- at all.  I had fallen for a guy who had not been thinking of me the same way and I found myself feeling dumb, rejected, stupid and embarrassed about all of the misread signals and misplaced hopes.  It was clear that Joe was completely comfortable dating her and being friends with me, which I found to be a little disheartening and planted some seeds of doubt in my heart about his character....was he a player of games in the romance area? This image of him completely did NOT match with the way I had perceived him, so everything got a little bit cloudy.  I especially hated the way I allowed the situation to make me feel about myself.  I struggled with comparison, broken confidence, self-esteem and doubts about myself, my instincts and my future.  My bright, happy summer went from sunny to stormy in a flash.

So I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more for clarity on what to do.  I did not want to be "that" girl who could not be friends with guys, but I also knew that if I was honest, I was way past the "friend" stage with Joe in my heart.  I sought counsel from wise friends, I selfishly and secretly prayed that Joe would somehow magically see the error of his choice and break up with her and pick me, but he didn't.  I cried big tears as I prayed each night.  But I continued to feel a certainty in my heart about what I needed to do, about how I needed to handle this situation and I was not really excited about what I was hearing.  I knew it was the excellent thing to do, but I also knew it was the hardest thing I could imagine doing.  

I was going to have to "break up" with Joe as my friend- and I also knew I needed to tell him why.... (gulp!)