I have been struggling in pretty much every area of my life for about a month now. I feel like my head is underwater and that even simple everyday activities and any forward motion has required tremendous effort both physically and emotionally. Not every day has felt this way during this journey, but the past month certainly has, and I'm not certain why all of the sudden things just started feeling harder. They just did. I have struggled to find words to express my heart and as a result have not been writing as much as I would like, because I just don't even know where to begin explaining where I am and how I'm feeling.
However, this morning I was reading one of my favorite writers, Leigh McLeroy and tears just flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks as I read her beautiful words. She articulated exactly and so beautifully what I've been not only experiencing, but also have been so desperate to hear. So instead of my words here today, I'm posting hers. What she wrote felt like a gentle, whsipered reminder from God straight to my heart and for the first time in weeks, I could feel my heart's wings begin to spread open a little bit. Here is what she said that spoke to me most...
"Things fall apart," Irish poet Yeats wrote, "the centre cannot hold." But I challenge his conclusion. I believe it can, and does. The center holds because The Beautiful Son is at the center, holding all things together: For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created by Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:16-17, NASB)
Circumstances at edges are perilous, yes. Things are broken. They crash and fall and shatter. But the center is strong.The center holds. Or better, it is held.
The challenge is to celebrate the mending, not mourn the pieces. To be thankful for the repairs, and not lament (at least not for long) the breaking. The challenge is to believe--even before things are put right--that rightness is near and possible...that it will come. Broken things will be mended: one day even our own hearts' cracks and fault lines will be flawlessly fixed, and stronger for it.
The challenges she wrote about are the exact challenges I'm facing and what I'm realizing is that everyone at some time or another faces these kinds of challenges...challenges that make you think, challenges that make you doubt, challenges that make you question, challenges that cause you to feel alone, challenges that make you wonder if you will EVER feel normal again...and her beautiful words reminded me that my God is a mender. When something is being mended, it is necessary for it to be held close in both hands, it usually takes intentional time, and requires patience as the work is slow. There is beauty in mending and being mended, and I am determined to keep my eyes open and try to be thankful for every tiny, painful stitch as He mends my broken heart. Thank you God for holding all of my pieces and for tenderly mending my heart and life back together. Thank you, Leigh for your beautiful words and for helping my heart to remember this truth and for helping me to re-focus on celebrating the mending instead of mourning the pieces.
* Leigh McLeroy is a brilliant writer who has a passion for seeing the sacred in the ordinary. She has several books and a weekly email called Wednesday Words. If you have never read her, I cannot recommend her highly enough! You can check her out here. Her writing is a gift for anyone who reads it!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Six Months
My Sweet Boy,
Your birthday letter has been so hard for me to write this month. I have so much I want to say to you, but no words to express myself. It has been six incredibly long months since I got to hold you and kiss your sweet face and hands. The tears have been falling so much and my missing of you has been heavy on my heart these past several weeks. I have every photo of you memorized and burned into my mind. Today is the fourth of July and I remember thinking that there was no way we would ever make it to this day. That it was simply impossible and that it felt like forever away...but here we are. You would be six months old today. I remember a year ago today we started calling our family members and joyfully telling them about you growing in my belly. One year ago today we were so filled with hope and excitement for everything that was ahead for our family...in our eyes, our dreams were coming true.... only God knew the heartache that was ahead for us.... He knew that just around the corner were some horrible and sad life events that were far beyond anything we could imagine....he knew that was our only Fourth of July with you and I'm so thankful that my memories of that day with you are so special. One year ago today, you were with us and we were so happy. So much can change in a year. In a month. In a week. In a day. In an hour. In a single minute. We know that now.
Day by day we continue forward with you forever in our hearts and minds. We still talk about you every single day and not a minute goes by where my mind does not wander to your face or your impact on my life. We continue to hold our love for you close and are working to try and keep our hope in God's hands. We believe (although it is very difficult at times) that although our hearts are still broken into a million pieces and life feels impossible at times, that He again, knows differently for us -beyond what we are feeling in these heavy moments today- and are hopeful that just around the corner, instead of heart break, we will discover that He has happiness waiting for us. I don't know how much farther we have to travel on this path to get there, but I wish you were here to share in that happiness with us when it does arrive. Because no matter how great it will be, there will always be a bittersweet element to it because you won't be with us. However, deep in my heart, I know that when our happiness does arrive, you will be smiling down on us from your beautiful spot in heaven on your special clouds. You will be with us Luke. Always....and we are so thankful for that truth.
The photo above is a picture of some of your beautiful cirrus clouds. I was feeling very sad and missing you when I glanced up and noticed that there was a sundog among them. Your dad whispered in my ear that this was God reminding us of his promise of hope and also his special way of making your clouds extra beautiful when I needed it most.
I love you and miss you more than my words can ever say and I cannot wait to be with you again. I wish you a very happy half birthday Luke. I celebrate being your mom every day. You are and always will be a gift to me.
xo,
your mom
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Luke's Dad...
is strong
is present
is tender
is so proud of his son
prioritizes his family
takes such good care of those he loves and adores
treasures life's simple pleasures and celebrates life's biggest moments
is incredibly thankful for the moments he had to tell Luke how much he loved him
never left our sides for a single second
is incredibly brave and mighty in heart
is an amazing example of the Father's tender love and heart for his children
is a man who whispered words of love, strength, praise, esteem and bravery into his son's sweet ears and over his life
has a little boy in heaven who is the spitting image of his handsome daddy
is absolutely loved, cherished and adored more every day by Luke's mama.
Happy Father's Day to my incredible husband. Your path to this day has been filled with difficulties, challenges and heartbreak, yet you have never faltered. You have shared your strength, your heart, your life, your tears and your smile with Luke and I and so many others along this path. I know Luke is smiling down on you today and longs to wrap his arms around your neck and tell you how much he loves having you for his daddy. I celebrate you sweet Joe- every day, but especially today. You are an amazing father and Luke was so blessed to have you for his daddy.
Happy Father's Day!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Flooded+Empty=Crash
These past few weeks have depleted my internal supply of patience, grace, strength, and peace. I have felt overwhelmed, on the verge of tears, frustrated, impatient and overwhelmed with emotion about everything. I have experienced deep kindness, powerful encouragement and incredible support from my amazing husband, yet I have completely run my love tank dry. Things that usually roll off my back have sent me over the edge. I have snapped at people, I have cried at my desk, I have just felt like my protective shell has crumbled a bit and left me holding pieces of it in my hands wondering what happened.
To be fair, it has been a rather big week for me. I'm essentially doing two full time jobs at work while I cover for a friend of mine out on maternity leave. I went to my first baby shower since losing Luke and saw the beautiful brand new little guy his overjoyed parents recently adopted and I've been feeling pretty emotionally fragile ever since. Father's Day is on the horizon and my heart is aching in such a huge way for my beloved Joe on this special day. I'm flooded with emotion and can't seem to remember how to swim.
Being a self-confessed introverted person, I rely on time by myself to recharge, breathe, think, to ponder, to pray, to cry, to cleanse my heart of its worries and troubles. I have not had too much of this lately simply because I have been moving at 100mph these past few weeks both at work and in my personal life. I have allowed my schedule to fill up with the urgent and the 'want-tos' but not necessarily the important or the 'need tos'...and I can feel the aftershocks and echos of these choices in my soul. I feel fragile. I am exhausted. I feel disconnected from God. I feel hopeless. I feel lost.
Last week when I was trying to share with Joe this overwhelming distress I've been wrestling with lately, he gently reminded me of something so simple and so powerful...and when I looked at it from his perspective, so true. He encouraged me to think about whether I've been running on full speed using my own strength or if I have been relying on God's strength and power to make it through my days. The answer was obvious- I have been pressing the gas pedal of life to the floor and not putting any Fuel into the tank.
I wonder why I have to seemingly re-learn this lesson over and over and over again: rest+quiet+time+intention= peace and strength for the important, hope, creativity, freedom and joy... as opposed to where as I tend to operate.... busy+urgent+accomplishment+no rest for soul=major crash, no energy for anything, no creative energy and lots of tears. Although I KNOW the reality of these two equations in my heart, sometimes I feel that I get swallowed up by what I perceive to be people's expectations of me and what I feel people expect me to be capable of doing...when in reality I'm really just letting one person down by pushing myself and worrying about what others may think or say if I do or don't do a particular thing...ME.
A friend of ours named Chris always calls himself a "recovering people pleaser" and every time he says it, I secretly say, "Me too!" Working on taking care of myself is a constant struggle and requires muscles I'm working on strengthening every day...important over urgent, time with Joe, good work/life balance, time with God, surrounding myself with life-giving people, making sure I have protected time, intentional rest, creative outlets, life-giving hobbies, healthy meals, build in time for exercise... self care is certainly not easy to learn to do, but it is soooo worth it. It is what I'm going to be working on for the rest of the summer in hopes that I will develop some healthy habits which will fill me not deplete me.
Tonight is Friday and I have the entire weekend in front of me. I have (with the help of my incredible husband) the next 24 hours or so to myself - intentional alone time for me to rest, retreat, restore, refresh, reboot and spend time doing quiet things. I have a long list of ideas of how to fill this time and every single one of them makes me happy. I'm so grateful to Joe for giving me the time and space to rest and for helping me to work my way through the flood zone of my emotions and for encouraging me to go to the true Source to refill my empty spirit.
To be fair, it has been a rather big week for me. I'm essentially doing two full time jobs at work while I cover for a friend of mine out on maternity leave. I went to my first baby shower since losing Luke and saw the beautiful brand new little guy his overjoyed parents recently adopted and I've been feeling pretty emotionally fragile ever since. Father's Day is on the horizon and my heart is aching in such a huge way for my beloved Joe on this special day. I'm flooded with emotion and can't seem to remember how to swim.
Being a self-confessed introverted person, I rely on time by myself to recharge, breathe, think, to ponder, to pray, to cry, to cleanse my heart of its worries and troubles. I have not had too much of this lately simply because I have been moving at 100mph these past few weeks both at work and in my personal life. I have allowed my schedule to fill up with the urgent and the 'want-tos' but not necessarily the important or the 'need tos'...and I can feel the aftershocks and echos of these choices in my soul. I feel fragile. I am exhausted. I feel disconnected from God. I feel hopeless. I feel lost.
Last week when I was trying to share with Joe this overwhelming distress I've been wrestling with lately, he gently reminded me of something so simple and so powerful...and when I looked at it from his perspective, so true. He encouraged me to think about whether I've been running on full speed using my own strength or if I have been relying on God's strength and power to make it through my days. The answer was obvious- I have been pressing the gas pedal of life to the floor and not putting any Fuel into the tank.
I wonder why I have to seemingly re-learn this lesson over and over and over again: rest+quiet+time+intention= peace and strength for the important, hope, creativity, freedom and joy... as opposed to where as I tend to operate.... busy+urgent+accomplishment+no rest for soul=major crash, no energy for anything, no creative energy and lots of tears. Although I KNOW the reality of these two equations in my heart, sometimes I feel that I get swallowed up by what I perceive to be people's expectations of me and what I feel people expect me to be capable of doing...when in reality I'm really just letting one person down by pushing myself and worrying about what others may think or say if I do or don't do a particular thing...ME.
A friend of ours named Chris always calls himself a "recovering people pleaser" and every time he says it, I secretly say, "Me too!" Working on taking care of myself is a constant struggle and requires muscles I'm working on strengthening every day...important over urgent, time with Joe, good work/life balance, time with God, surrounding myself with life-giving people, making sure I have protected time, intentional rest, creative outlets, life-giving hobbies, healthy meals, build in time for exercise... self care is certainly not easy to learn to do, but it is soooo worth it. It is what I'm going to be working on for the rest of the summer in hopes that I will develop some healthy habits which will fill me not deplete me.
Tonight is Friday and I have the entire weekend in front of me. I have (with the help of my incredible husband) the next 24 hours or so to myself - intentional alone time for me to rest, retreat, restore, refresh, reboot and spend time doing quiet things. I have a long list of ideas of how to fill this time and every single one of them makes me happy. I'm so grateful to Joe for giving me the time and space to rest and for helping me to work my way through the flood zone of my emotions and for encouraging me to go to the true Source to refill my empty spirit.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Luke's Friends
I have millions of fears. Big ones, little ones, fleeting ones, irrational ones, situational ones... My fears hold me back from what I can become and from where I'm destined to go. I know this. I know their M.O. yet I sometimes allow them to hold me prisoner. They prevent me from improving myself, keep me from risking, stunt the growth of my spirit, and confine my heart's secret dreams. These fears tell me that they are "keeping me safe," and "protecting me" only, what I know is that sometimes being and feeling "safe" is not always necessarily a good thing.
I'm talking about my fears around starting to meet and spend time with Luke's friends. You see, eleven of my friends had baby boys starting in November 2009 and ending in February 2010, with Luke being born right in the middle bringing the total to TWELVE baby boys. I refer to them as Luke's friends because I know he would have grown up with them, gone to school with some of them, played with them, laughed with them... I have really struggled with this aspect of losing Luke because not only did we have to say goodbye to him, but there are eleven little guys within weeks of his age all around us reminding us of what he would be doing these days...They remind me that Luke should be growing bigger too instead of remaining the squishy adorable newborn he is in the photos we treasure. They remind me afresh of all we are missing.
If I think too long about this, I just want to scream to the heavens how unfair I feel this all is. How much it hurts, how much I miss him and how I never want to feel this much pain ever again. So I have put off this part of my healing journey...I have locked this part of my heart up these past few months and have not dared to open the door for fear of the emotional tidal wave hiding inside. My beautiful friends who are the mamas of Luke's friends, have been so amazing and supportive of me as I have understandably avoided looking at or meeting their beloved, precious and long awaited for beautiful babies. I have felt like a horrible friend, but deep down I know I am not. I know I have just been protecting my fragile heart from further crushing pain. It has been an act of self preservation to be sure, but now, I believe in order to self preserve for the long term, the season has arrived for me to finally meet these little guys (and a few sweet baby gals too) face to face.
People have encouraged me not to rush in, to be patient and not to push myself, but the truth is, I haven't been rushing. I have been afraid and avoiding and trying to pretend that as I'm continuing to feel stronger and better every day- that the bulk of the difficult heart-breaking work in this healing journey is behind me. But until I spend time with these little guys (and those few little gals too), there will always be that barrier of fear between me and babies. The truth is, I'm so scared that I will just bawl my eyes out all over their beautiful little faces, or that I will just never want to let them go and/or that I will fall back into the abyss of grief I've worked so hard to climb out of...I am deathly afraid of never feeling better and that by pressing on my wound it will never heal. I'm afraid that my heart will break all over again and that I won't be able to recover, that I will make everyone uncomfortable, that I will realize that I have not really healed at all and that this horrible heartache will never, ever go away or end. That my heart will just be broken forever.
But I'm also afraid that if I don't meet these babies and work on spending time with them, that I will forever be afraid to see babies, hold babies, hear babies, talk about babies, celebrate new babies and that I will not feel free to celebrate my own future babies or be celebrated because of the my own feelings of guilt over my unwillingness to celebrate others' joy and happiness in their journeys to motherhood. I want to celebrate and be celebrated- freely, knowing that I'm giving, have given and will continue to offer my absolute best that my heart has to offer- without regret and without expectation. I want freedom from this tether of fear and grief, but I also know that this particular part of the journey will not be easy or quick.
So now that I've decided it is time to begin pushing into this arena of healing, I've been trying to be gentle with my heart because it sure feels like there are suddenly babies all around me. Crying babies, happy babies at Target, sleeping babies in their carriers, babies in their strollers out for a walk, beautiful little faces on facebook pages, pregnant bellies, new adopted babies, newly born babies...they are everywhere and every single time I hear or see them, my heart breaks in a special Luke-shaped way. Still. Every. Single. Time....and I feel like I'm drowning again.
So in effort to honor my heartache while at the same time gradually fighting back against my fears, I have decided to ease into things and have started by looking at the photos of my friend's babies posted on facebook and while that has been extremely difficult, I have also surprised myself because it also feels unexpectedly a little bit freeing for me too. I am able to notice how a once impossible idea now feels a smidge easier and not as scary as it once did for me. I've also started making "dates" to meet and hold some of Luke's friends for maybe just a few minutes at a time, a little bit here and there, and I'm finding myself in some moments of the day suddenly more afraid not to do this than to actually do it (if that makes any kind of sense at all).
I know I will cry, feel overwhelmed with pain, and of course miss Luke more than ever, but I am just going to try to keep getting back up and doing it again and again until it starts hurting a little bit less and my heart feels a little bit stronger and then a little bit stronger....
My prayer remains that as I work on pushing fear out of my heart, that somehow, some way...hope will find its way in....
*To my incredible community of sister friends around me who continue to love, encourage, pray for and help me: you have held my hands and my heart every step of the way...and I love you for your grace, support and patience with me. I would truly be lost without you. - xo thank you
I'm talking about my fears around starting to meet and spend time with Luke's friends. You see, eleven of my friends had baby boys starting in November 2009 and ending in February 2010, with Luke being born right in the middle bringing the total to TWELVE baby boys. I refer to them as Luke's friends because I know he would have grown up with them, gone to school with some of them, played with them, laughed with them... I have really struggled with this aspect of losing Luke because not only did we have to say goodbye to him, but there are eleven little guys within weeks of his age all around us reminding us of what he would be doing these days...They remind me that Luke should be growing bigger too instead of remaining the squishy adorable newborn he is in the photos we treasure. They remind me afresh of all we are missing.
If I think too long about this, I just want to scream to the heavens how unfair I feel this all is. How much it hurts, how much I miss him and how I never want to feel this much pain ever again. So I have put off this part of my healing journey...I have locked this part of my heart up these past few months and have not dared to open the door for fear of the emotional tidal wave hiding inside. My beautiful friends who are the mamas of Luke's friends, have been so amazing and supportive of me as I have understandably avoided looking at or meeting their beloved, precious and long awaited for beautiful babies. I have felt like a horrible friend, but deep down I know I am not. I know I have just been protecting my fragile heart from further crushing pain. It has been an act of self preservation to be sure, but now, I believe in order to self preserve for the long term, the season has arrived for me to finally meet these little guys (and a few sweet baby gals too) face to face.
People have encouraged me not to rush in, to be patient and not to push myself, but the truth is, I haven't been rushing. I have been afraid and avoiding and trying to pretend that as I'm continuing to feel stronger and better every day- that the bulk of the difficult heart-breaking work in this healing journey is behind me. But until I spend time with these little guys (and those few little gals too), there will always be that barrier of fear between me and babies. The truth is, I'm so scared that I will just bawl my eyes out all over their beautiful little faces, or that I will just never want to let them go and/or that I will fall back into the abyss of grief I've worked so hard to climb out of...I am deathly afraid of never feeling better and that by pressing on my wound it will never heal. I'm afraid that my heart will break all over again and that I won't be able to recover, that I will make everyone uncomfortable, that I will realize that I have not really healed at all and that this horrible heartache will never, ever go away or end. That my heart will just be broken forever.
But I'm also afraid that if I don't meet these babies and work on spending time with them, that I will forever be afraid to see babies, hold babies, hear babies, talk about babies, celebrate new babies and that I will not feel free to celebrate my own future babies or be celebrated because of the my own feelings of guilt over my unwillingness to celebrate others' joy and happiness in their journeys to motherhood. I want to celebrate and be celebrated- freely, knowing that I'm giving, have given and will continue to offer my absolute best that my heart has to offer- without regret and without expectation. I want freedom from this tether of fear and grief, but I also know that this particular part of the journey will not be easy or quick.
So now that I've decided it is time to begin pushing into this arena of healing, I've been trying to be gentle with my heart because it sure feels like there are suddenly babies all around me. Crying babies, happy babies at Target, sleeping babies in their carriers, babies in their strollers out for a walk, beautiful little faces on facebook pages, pregnant bellies, new adopted babies, newly born babies...they are everywhere and every single time I hear or see them, my heart breaks in a special Luke-shaped way. Still. Every. Single. Time....and I feel like I'm drowning again.
So in effort to honor my heartache while at the same time gradually fighting back against my fears, I have decided to ease into things and have started by looking at the photos of my friend's babies posted on facebook and while that has been extremely difficult, I have also surprised myself because it also feels unexpectedly a little bit freeing for me too. I am able to notice how a once impossible idea now feels a smidge easier and not as scary as it once did for me. I've also started making "dates" to meet and hold some of Luke's friends for maybe just a few minutes at a time, a little bit here and there, and I'm finding myself in some moments of the day suddenly more afraid not to do this than to actually do it (if that makes any kind of sense at all).
I know I will cry, feel overwhelmed with pain, and of course miss Luke more than ever, but I am just going to try to keep getting back up and doing it again and again until it starts hurting a little bit less and my heart feels a little bit stronger and then a little bit stronger....
My prayer remains that as I work on pushing fear out of my heart, that somehow, some way...hope will find its way in....
*To my incredible community of sister friends around me who continue to love, encourage, pray for and help me: you have held my hands and my heart every step of the way...and I love you for your grace, support and patience with me. I would truly be lost without you. - xo thank you
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Unexpected Gifts
....on our fridge...
Last night we attended a wedding. We loved the photo booth they had there...especially since it re-introduced us to our sweet friend G...one of our biggest prayer warriors, encouragers and supporters in blogland. We first met her in person the day before Luke's birthday back in January when we all happened to be dining at the same local spot only at different tables. Needless to say, when Joe and I first met her, our hearts were completely overloaded and preoccupied with Luke...so receiving the gift of "re-meeting" her last night -literally in the photo booth- was a complete blessing for both Joe and myself as we had a much better appreciation of the gift we were being given. It was an absolute joy to get to wrap my arms around her and give her the giant hug I've wanted to give her ever since she first reached out to us through our blog. I was moved to tears to get a glimpse of her beautiful face and to get to tell her in person how much her prayers and encouragement have meant to us over the months.
That is the thing about this blog...it is the most beautiful crazy thing. We know there are so many who read this and we are truly so, so grateful for all of you....for every prayer, every comment, every email....for everything. You have no idea. Our blog has brought us into contact with some of the most incredible people (you) and we feel so fortunate and thank you for being part of this journey along with us.
And to G- thank you for being brave and risking re-introducing yourself, for all you have shared, for laughing and not being annoyed when we were being complete dorks and taking forever, for letting us come back three times and just frankly, for everything. We were delighted our paths crossed with yours again. You are truly a gift.
*note: I don't own a scanner, so the above photobooth photos were my photos taken of the photos using my little point and shoot...hence they may seem a little fuzzy and obviously not like the originals are...the ones we got at the wedding were all connected and look great- thanks so much to the happy couple for the lovely evening and fun photo souvenirs!
Friday, June 4, 2010
5 months
Five months ago today I was holding your tiny hand and kissing your sweet face. You were crying, you were snuggling and you were here. Your dad and I have seen so many of your clouds in the sky and I still talk to you all the time. I wish you were here, smiling and laughing and that we were watching you grow and introducing you to your many friends who were born around the same time as you. We love you and miss you terribly.
love,
your proud mama
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