August and Everything After- Part 6 - Counting to 10

It was our first "official"break (even though I had already stopped "to take in the views" a handful of times) and the place was called "The Lake of Clouds."  It was stunningly beautiful.  We were just at tree line and the sun was officially up.  Everyone had been resting for a while by the time I arrived in all of my huffing and puffing glory.  I gulped my water down.  I had packed three large water bottles in my backpack and I swear, water had never tasted so good...but I had to be careful and ration it which was hard to do when I felt like drinking the whole thing.  The bad thing about being the last in line is that by the time you actually get there and start "resting" everyone else who has been resting already, is ready to get going again!  I snapped a few photos and tried to regain some composure.  

This is my friend, Woody.  (Sometimes I still like to call him Saint Woody because of all he did to help me and a handful of others up the mountain). He is awesome and will forever be one of my favorite people because of the way he helped me on this hike....some more on that later.  I will just say, that from this point in our hike onward, he designated himself as the last person in line for the rest of the hike.  Not because he was slow or out of shape.  Quite the opposite, he is a tremendous athlete and a great hiker.  But he just felt that it was important that no one besides him would have the distinguishing title of being "last."  Believe me, to those of us trading places along the trail toward the back of the line, this was a tremendous blessing.  What I was also about to learn about Woody first hand, was he has an incredible servant's heart and a huge gift of encouragement. (I am making this hike sound like it was a race or something, it was absolutely not and it did not feel like it.  But what it felt like was an intense magnifying glass of separation between those who struggled physically, mentally and emotionally with the physical demands of the hike and those who did not).  A few of us toward the end of the line were not used to having a hard time completing something we had actually "prepared" for...so, you get the idea.

Anyways, on we hiked.  Spirits were still high and everyone was having fun.  Upon leaving the trees, we began to have some incredible views.  You can literally see for miles when you are climbing a mountain and it takes your breath away when you stop to look up and take it all in.  The "fast" group was rapidly becoming a small moving herd in the distance...way far up ahead on the trail.  Individuals were not able to be distinguished and they just looked like ants.  The "slower" group was where I was, (clearly!) still toward the back as we spread out single file hiking upwards....Joe and his girlfriend leading the way with ease.  

The next phase of the hike is kind of a blur for me.  I remember the sunshine, the trail winding up and around rock formations, over "hills" on the mountain's side, and just the beautiful views all around us. Based on our views, it seemed like the summit could not be that much farther up the trail because we were so high up in comparison to the mountains around us, but I was way off on that assumption.  

When we stopped for a quick drink here and there, looking back and seeing how far we had come from where we had started was inspiring and also an encouragement to continue going forward, even though it was getting harder and harder to maintain a good clip of forward motion.

It was during this time, that two people in the group stopped hiking.  There was a rule that no one could quit alone.  No one would be left by themselves on the trail, it was way too dangerous.  So luckily, two people had gone far enough in their minds and stopped climbing.  I remember looking back at them from farther on up the mountain and we could see them sitting down beside the trail on the mountain savoring the view and just relaxing in the sunshine.  I was jealous of how fun that looked, but also determined to continue forward.

There were a few more group stops throughout these hours of climbing, similar to before, where the majority of the group would get to the "resting place" long before those of us struggling toward the end of the pack would, leaving us little time to catch our breath and get a drink before the "group" was ready to continue onward.... it was defeating in so many ways to walk up to the resting crew, panting, huffing and puffing, sweating and struggling, to hear "Good job, guys!" or "You can do it, Sarah..." from Joe the encourager/leader of that group (and others too, but for some reason, his voice was the one that grated on my nerves because despite all of his kindness and genuine encouragement, my pride was dying a slow painful death).  He was getting a full view of what he was "missing out on" and I had to believe it was not a pretty sight which made the awkward situation even worse in my mind and heart.  He was only doing his job as the group leader/encourager (which he did for everyone else too- not just me), but it only made me want to strangle him and start my own group. (We can and do laugh about this now but I was NOT laughing then....)

That eventually did happen...not the me strangling him part, but as the hike wound its way on up the trial, the slowest of the slow group eventually got slower and slower and slower until we became a third group.  The slowest.  It was actually a little bit freeing because now we were moving at our pace and not the faster pace of the "slower" group.  Joe was officially not in my group any longer and I was free to suffer and struggle and battle against the mountain as needed without a thought of how I must appear.  There were 5 of us in this third group...Woody, another kind hearted, encourager and self-appointed group 3 member named David, Jessica, our sweet pal Ginger and me.  These were my peeps.  They did not let me quit and I did not let them quit.  Luckily for us, none of us wanted to quit at the same time otherwise we literally would not have made it.  We gritted our teeth, gulped our water and stumbled forward and upward together.

My view for a large part of the hike...eyes down, focused on my next steps and on breathing!  I took this photo because I knew I wanted to remember it.

What I remember most about this time in our small group 3, was counting to ten.  Literally out loud.  We were so exhausted, discouraged, not feeling well and struggling, that it was absolutely all we could do to take literally ten steps and then stop for about 30 seconds and then take another ten steps.  I am not being dramatic.  This is the truth.  I have no idea what the view looked like during this time because my eyes were focused on the ground and on the back of the boots in front of me.  Just counting to ten over and over.  We lost sight of the others in group 2 as they continued on out of sight.  It was incredibly difficult but we were all determined to make it and when one of us drooped in will or spirits, the others swooped in to offer encouraging words and the reminder, "Just take another ten steps and then take a break.  You can do it."  And it was just like that that we tackled the tallest mountain in Colorado...ten literal steps at a time...baby steps in hiking for sure.  We just stayed in the fight and did not give up...and it was not a pretty sight.  Did I mention that already? Our nerves, bodies, minds and spirits were stretched THIN yet, we had a looonnnggg ways to go yet.

I remember having a hard time (I know! Literally nothing was easy for me about this hike-) with not being able to see the top.  As a planner, I like to know where we are going and how long it is supposed to take to get there, so I know what to expect and can adjust expectations accordingly.  This was not the hike for someone like me- all I had was an endless trail of struggle before me with no end in sight.  I just felt like things were getting worse and worse as we went on, and I wanted to know that it HAD to end.  I just had no idea how or when or where!  It was killing me.  Looking back, I wonder now if God intentionally clouded my view of how much further I had to go, just like he does in real life, so I would not give up seeing the reality of how much harder it was going to get before it got better.

 I knew we had to be getting closer and closer- not close, but closer. Based on the views and our obvious altitude gain, and every now and again, we would catch wind of happy clapping sounds and yelling from the top by our rock star friends in the first group who were already there that were carried on the winds like a radio coming in and out of tune.  I personally could not see beyond the next ten steps.  It was killing me to continue walking into the unknown not knowing how much farther this difficulty and challenge was going to last. I did not think I was going to make it.  I thought about quitting every two steps.  I wanted to lay down on the trail and just sleep and actually catch my breath and just never get back up.  Group 3 refused to let me. Woody countered all of my negative talk about quitting with encouragement and reassurance.

(I also forgot to mention that somewhere along this part of the hike, a man in his 50s or 60s RAN UP the trail passing us and then later RAN BACK DOWN passing us AGAIN.  It was insanity at its finest.  I've never felt better about myself!  ha!)

By this time, Woody was carrying all of my water relieving me of those few extra pounds in my back pack.  I felt like puking every time I stopped and I just remember spitting and burping a LOT.  Did I mention that all dignity and graciousness had flown off the cliff a few hours back?  Woody was an absolute saint because he only encouraged and listened and acted like nothing was happening as Jessica, Ginger and I muddled through our own battles of self-doubt and struggle out loud and with one another.  I felt dehydrated, but I was gulping water every chance I got.  It was getting colder outside now because we were so high up in elevation.  Few words were spoken among us other than the occasional talk of quitting followed by encouraging words and counting our steps again.

foggy and no idea where we were heading next on this crazy trail...how much farther??

This was by far, the most difficult physical thing I had ever done in my entire life.  Right now, it was mind over body 100%.  At one point earlier in the hike, I had swallowed my last bit of pride and had called out to Joe asking him to shout back to me when he could see the top- the finish line because by this point, I was convinced I was not going to make it and that I would probably die here on this rocky trail- from frustration, exhaustion, embarrassment, and natural causes. I needed to know that this struggle was going to end and I had to ask him to help me hold onto the rope a little bit longer with the promise of a finish line.

To Joe's credit, he did just that.  He did not acknowledge my suffering or struggle or embarrassment but just promised to tell me when things were about to get better...and later when I heard his voice calling out to me from within the cloud bank we were now hiking through, his promise that he could see the finish line (and that there indeed was one) offered that final boost to my flagging body and spirits...  Group 2 had summited.

Group 3 still had a ways to go, and like in Vegas, everything seems so much closer than it really is..... but the reality was, that now, over 6 hours into our hike, I knew we were close and that we too were going to make it.....

August and Everything After - Part 5 - Hellloooo Mt. Elbert

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story with God, even though it started in my childhood, really began one August, just a few Augusts ago....

I am not sure of the exact time the alarm went off the day God changed my life, but I know it was somewhere in the early 4 o'clock hour if not earlier.  I also know I had not really slept more than 45 minutes the entire night because I was nervous.  One of the main events for this trip was a group hike up the tallest mountain in Colorado:  Mt. Elbert.  Everyone was really excited about it and we were meeting to caravan to the trail head which was approximately 45 minutes away.  It is a pretty big deal to climb what are commonly referred to as "The 14'ers" in Colorado- or the mountains whose summit's sit at an elevation higher than 14,000 feet.  There are many, and Mt. Elbert, located a little ways outside of Aspen, is the highest one of them all with a summit of: 14,433 feet. (If you are so inclined, you can read more about the 14'ers here). 

To be clear, when hiking a 14'er, the difficulty of the hike/mountain is not rated on summit elevation alone.  There are many factors that apply and there are many other 14'ers with a higher degree of difficulty whose summits have a lower elevation.  Mt. Elbert was chosen because it was a 14'er, and had a low degree (ie group friendly) of difficulty and was located near Aspen.  The trailhead even started around 10,000 feet elevation, so our total gain was "only" around 4200 feet or so.  Not too bad.  Having spent a part of every summer (practically) of my life in Colorado, I felt confident that this would be a beautiful hike only a little bit on the challenging side....after all, there was a clearly defined trail all the way to the top, it was rated a low degree of difficulty on paper and compared to some people on the trip, I had lots of hiking experience. (ahem.)

So our alarm went off early because when you are climbing a giant mountain, it is critical to start very early in order to be finished and off the mountain before the afternoon storms roll in...and they will roll in.  The weather can change in an instant and you want to be prepared- and when you are way up above the tree line, there is no shelter to be found and things can go from bad to life-threatening very quickly, so our goal was to start early.  Within our group, there were many who had climbed other 14'ers, so they had helped those of us who hadn't prepare mentally for what to expect with little tips and ways to dress etc.  The plan was for there to be two groups going up the mountain: a faster group, and a slower group.  There were pre-designated experienced hiker/leaders for each group identified, so that way if/when the two groups got separated, there were people to lead, encourage and help.  I knew that Joe was the designated leader of the slower group (not because he is slow, but because he is very patient and encouraging.  Because, lets be serious, hiking with Joe is like hiking with a mountain goat or gazelle- he is a complete natural...and I was about to learn this about him first hand.)

I was nervous for many reasons: I had never done anything like this in my life and did not know what to expect, I had not hiked in quite a while, I was profoundly out of shape and suddenly that made me feel scared, I was nervous about using the "bathroom" on the mountain, I was nervous about looking bad, I was worried about looking dumb/inexperienced in front of Joe and all of my other friends, I would be spending the entire day with Joe and his girlfriend all around me (no separate activities today!) which made my heart sink and my stomach lurch,  and since I could not slow my mind down to sleep the night before, I was starting out exhausted and I don't do well when I'm exhausted.  But hey, let's go hiking everybody!

There was a lot of drama around getting us all to the actual trail head that I'm going to skip over in the story because it does not directly add to the specific story I'm telling here but lets just say, vehicles were damaged by the "off-road" nature of the road, tires were flattened, we may have taken a wrong turn or two (which with a large caravan of 10+ vehicles on a one way dirt road, that is a pretty big deal) and plus, it was dark out and I was getting more nervous by the minute as we got closer to the trail head.  It is funny to me now to think back on how I was thinking things were not going to be "too bad" based on how the hike looked on paper when in reality, my nerves were telling me the truth the whole time!

We got to the trail head and everyone got out and began getting their gear ready, back packs were loaded up, water supplies double checked, hiking boots laced, photos taken and nervous/excited conversations abounded.  I remember at one point glancing across the clearing where we had parked and Joe and his girlfriend were hugging and laughing as they affectionately adjusted each other's packs and I wanted to gag, roll my eyes, cry and run away all at the same time- and we had not even started hiking yet! (Hello maturity!) It is hard to "hide" in a group of awesome and intentional people, but I was determined to not let any "cracks" show- either physically or emotionally.  (ahem!)

After a few large group "before" photos were taken, we all set off up the trail.  I remember feeling like we were moving at a pretty good clip as we wound our way through the thick, beautiful aspen trees. Not long after leaving the trailhead, my heart started POUNDING from exertion as we made our way up the trail.  I started off in the middle of the pack laughing and talking and admiring the beauty around us as we hiked...and then I started not talking as much and just concentrated on trying not to breathe so hard and loudly because much to my dismay, by my estimation and observation no one else seemed to be exerting themselves very much yet.  An this was after all, the beginning of our hike and by far the easiest part of the trail......not good news for me.

Soon, I gave up on trying to not breathe so loud and just let myself start gasping for air because I needed it!  When you are hiking and gaining elevation, you are losing oxygen in the air and it becomes more difficult to breathe....and you have to breathe to keep going (let alone stay alive) so I let my pride go a little bit and just gasped for every desperate breath.  (And no, I do not and have never suffered from Asthma.)

Gradually people began to pass me and were checking to make sure I was okay because by now, I was beginning to drip sweat.  So attractive and super humbling.  Not that everyone else would not also reach a point of major exertion, I was just the first. Literally....in the chilly dawn morning air, I was shedding layers, pouring sweat and panting trying not to focus on the pounding of my heart with every step I was taking and trying not to think about the fact that we were not even CLOSE to being a fourth of the way to the half way point!!!

The "good news" was that thanks to my dramatic slow down in pace, Joe and his girlfriend were out of my line of sight and the bad news was that by this point I had gradually moved from the middle of the pack to almost the very end of the line.  To say I was swallowing pride with every gasp of air would be an understatement. 

...and this was only the beginning of what I was certain was going to turn out to be one of the most difficult and challenging days of my life, but what I did not also realize at the time is that God was also writing one of my best days ever as well....  

So it's October already- what's been going on???

It is October- and September has flown by over here.  My apologies (again!) for my lack of time spent on the blog- there have been some other priorities that have arisen that have taken almost every spare moment of my free time these past few weeks!  I have not forgotten about the story I'm telling, but I wanted to give you a little glimpse of what we've been up to the past month over here... 

Joe traveled to California for work for almost an entire week.  Yes, I was insanely jealous.  It was a great trip for him, and Lily and I had fun just the two of us, and being a single parent for those few days only deepened my respect for single parents everywhere! Not a lot of free time when you are the only one holding down the fort!

....of course there was a lot of business as usual- trips to the grocery store, laundry, Costco, errands, etc. you know, the exciting things in life- But actually, the great thing about having a toddler is that even the mundane things in life ARE exciting if you are paying attention and looking through their eyes.  I've been trying to remember to do that and I love that about being with Lily- everything is fun (most of the time)...even a trip to the grocery store- especially if you get the coveted pink car cart! (I just wish we didn't have to go every single week! But I digress...)  In addition to errands, we went to the park a lot, played with sidewalk chalk, started up all of our regular fall activities again and had several play dates too.

I had a little mini-reunion with these two lovely gals with whom I have been friends with since kindergarten! I'm serious- we sat at the same table in our kindergarten class and have been friends ever since.  By our calculations, its our 34th anniversary of being friends! It was such a fun evening and we closed the restaurant down with our talking and laughing!


Late in August, my Great Aunt Jean passed away at the age of 93 and we held her funeral a couple of weeks later, allowing for family from all across the country to travel to town.  She was an amazing woman and the matriarch of our family- the last of her generation to pass for us.  She was ill, very ready to go and passed quickly for which we were all thankful.  We spent a long weekend celebrating and honoring her life with lots of family get togethers, meals, football game watch parties and getting her apartment cleaned out.  Her funeral was in a beautiful old church and was followed by a family dinner and our family's traditional balloon release in her honor.  (KU colors to boot for our family's oldest Jayhawk!)  Everyone's spirits were high and we all enjoyed getting to see each other despite the circumstances.  This side of our family is spread out in Seattle, San Diego, Colorado, Kansas, Wisconsin, and DC, so having almost everyone together was a gift.  We will miss Aunt Jean terribly, but we cherish all of the legacy and love of family she has left behind.

Getting ready to release balloons up to heaven for Aunt Jean...

Balloons to heaven...

We love you, Aunt Jean!

This was taken right before I got married.  My grandmother is on the left (she passed a few years ago) and her sister, my Aunt Jean is on the right.  She was always like another grandmother to me.  I love this photo of the four of us. 

One of the family dinners...

Almost the whole crew- only a few are missing! 

The next weekend, we had some of our family friends visit from Oklahoma City for a long weekend.  My friend from college, Jen, and her beautiful family came and stayed with us.  It was a full house, but we had a great time just getting our two families together and hanging out.  They have a son who is about 2 weeks older than Lily and a little gal (seen above) who is about seven months old- and as an added bonus, the weekend they stayed with us, she started crawling!  Lily was in heaven having the two of them around to play with...

...we visited Deanna Rose of course...

...here is my beautiful friend, Jen.  I swear she has not aged a DAY in the 20+ years we have been friends! Being around her this weekend just made me realize how much I miss her! She is like a sister to me and I love seeing her so happy and getting to spend time with her beautiful family.

...there may or may not have been discussions of a future engagement for these two...we both may or may not have already given our blessings!  Ha ha  Seriously, they were SO CUTE together. It was so surreal and hilarious to see them doing the exact same things even though they had never met before...funny little toddler pals.

...a glimpse of the amazing men we married and our little babes- 

...As I mentioned, throughout the month there were countless visits to the park...Lily's all time favorite thing to do...here she is loving every minute during a park visit with the Jacksons.

...we even had an official kids table! It was a delightful weekend with lots of play, laughter, college football, side walk chalk, water tables, boutique shopping, stories, walks, Starbucks, parks, noise, naps, and good food.  We love the Jacksons and have officially started a campaign for them to move to KC!

A glimpse of my one of my favorite places on the planet!  

Another big event this month was the massive flooding that took place in Colorado.  My family's cabin was fortunately unharmed in the flooding, however the darling little mountain town where it is located was not so lucky.  We watched daily from afar as the incredible damage was revealed.  The big-picture impact of the flooding is tremendous.

Down the mountain a little ways from the cabin...almost into town... (Photo credit)

One of the main highways into town...gone.  (Photo Credit)

The other main highway into town... (Photo Credit)

It goes without saying that we were so fortunate to not have sustained any damage to our property, and we realize so many were not as fortunate and our hearts are heavy for them.  Among the damage, one of our favorite little ponds to visit went from looking like this: peaceful and serene full of clear mountain water...

Lily visiting in July

and

to this:

a gentle mountain "stream" became a rushing river...and now the pond is gone and where it used to be is now a giant pile of debris and silt...unreal. (Photo Credit: my dad)

Not only is the lake completely gone, but it looks like it was never even there! I know this is small potatoes compared to the damages incurred by so many people impacted by the flooding, but for us having just been there, seeing this photo among all of the others was shocking.  Our prayers have been with all of the people affected and we continue to follow closely the stories of rebuilding and community fellowship that have been birthed from this tragedy.  

Among everything else going on this month, we also discovered some beautiful fairy houses built by a secret "fairy" in the woods near our house.  They were an absolute hit to say the least....sheer delight and completely enchanting.

So yes, all of this stuff has been keeping us really busy, but perhaps what has been keeping us the busiest and taking up every spare moment we have is one of the things we have not yet shared here on the blog...something that had us taking photos like this one...

and this one...

Here is a hint...

More details to come!

August and Everything After- Part 4 - Aspen- (Where the Beer Flows Like Wine...)

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story with God, even though it started in my childhood, really began one August, just a few Augusts ago....

Does anyone else like the movie, Dumb and Dumber? I swear, it never gets old, and somehow only gets funnier to me.  In case you have somehow missed this masterpiece, the main character, Lloyd Christmas describes Aspen and the place "where the beer flows like wine!"  If you need a good laugh and are in the mood for some crazy antics, its a good one.  Anyways, I digress....  

The last time I wrote about my story, Joe and I were sitting on the bench outside of church.  We had decided not to be friends any more.  Well, I had decided and he had agreed.  The timing could not have been worse, because we were leaving on a trip with a bunch of friends two days later- heading to Aspen. 

I don't know if you have ever traveled with a group of twenty or more people, but things can be a little bit chaotic at times.  We had reserved lodging and planned (some) meals, divided travel expenses and coordinated activities such as rafting, hiking, shopping, eating and biking for folks while we were out there.  For most of us having traveled together before, the hardest part is always getting everyone to coordinate on the timing for all of the departures and events...that can be like herding cats.  You just have to tell people that you want to leave about 30 minutes before you actually need to leave...that is the key to traveling with large groups. (In case you were wondering- ha!)   

No, everything about this trip was awesome, except for the fact that everywhere I went, everywhere I turned, every mile down the highway across two rather wide states, I felt like I was either bumping into or having to observe Joe with his girlfriend.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again I was reminded that he had picked her, not me.  I was reminded that I was easy to walk away from, that again, my gut had been wrong to think there was a connection or a spark between us.  That part of the trip was decidedly NOT awesome.  

This reminder's constancy in my life during those initial days and then weeks following our talk on that bench fostered a deep reliance upon God for my peace and recognition that I needed to surrender to His 'no' in my life for this relationship I had hoped would develop with Joe.  God had shut the door very clearly.  It erased any possible "I wonder-s" from this spinning single girl's mind.  I knew and our boundaries were very clear.  Joe's answer was "I'm not interested."  I had been obedient to what I felt God had asked me to do by having that conversation on the bench, and now, I had to be obedient with the answer I had been given. It was a hard knowing and I had to let Joe go.  Not my plan, but His plan here.  I had to trust that God had someone else in mind for me, even though whomever he was, he was no where near my radar.  I had to force my hands to be open when I wanted to cling so tightly to what I wanted....even though I never held it to begin with. 

Luckily for me, our group on this trip was large enough that we did not have to actually hang out together and pretend to be cordial all the time.  We ate in different restaurants in the evening, participated in different activities (he went biking while I went shopping etc), we spent time with different friends and rode in different vehicles. Part of the same larger group, but very far apart. What made it even more of a challenge was that on this particular trip, only Jessica and Joe knew what had transpired personally between Joe and I and how awkward so many interactions on the trip actually were despite our efforts to show the contrary.  And of the two of them, only Jessica was aware how hard I was working not to let my broken heart cloud over the blue mountain skies above me.  Joe was too busy having a blast while hanging with his girlfriend... it was VERY easy to see I was not even on his radar.  Jessica helped me breathe and push forward.

Joe was pretty gracious toward me and honored our private agreement not to talk or spend any time together even in groups.  All well and good until I realized how much I missed him and getting to talk with him about little stupid things while everyone stood around waiting for others to arrive to leave for some activity.  I just missed how easy things used to be and how happy even simple little smiles would make me.  He gave me the social space I said I needed which really, really sucked.  He held up his end of the bargain by not playing any games with my heart and sending mixed messages, and quite honestly to make matters worse in my heart and mind, he made it look easy.  

I tried my best to be fully focused on the friends around me and tried to force myself to have a fun time.  And for the most part, I did- we floated down a river in rafts and I remember screaming with my friend, Ginger as we got drenched in cold river water, laughing and having so much fun.  We ate at many delicious places, enjoying meals outside and good conversations.  We wandered through Aspen, shopped a little bit, ate ice cream in the park, explored and stayed up way too late talking and eating in our little condos and it was a great time.  In fact, I have TONS of photos documenting all of this fun...but what I remember most about this trip was not all of the fun we had.  

No, what I remember the most was how visceral and challenging it was for my heart to want something so badly, and to know God was saying 'no' to me....for reasons I could not understand and made no sense to me.  What I did not know then, was that this was just the first of MANY times in the coming years that God would use this tactic of saying 'no' to what I perceived to be a natural 'yes' type of situation to draw me closer to Him.

At the time, I could not imagine anything harder than taking this 'excellent' way of guarding my heart and making intentional hard but good decisions for myself.  I was trying to honor Him with the way I was living my single life, and it did not feel like it was a path filled with rewards...it felt like a path of challenge, resistance, despair, struggle and endless uncertainty.  I knew I was doing the right thing and going about this whole awkward relationship/friendship situation the proper way, I just didn't know if I could survive it... it felt too hard.  Too unfair.  Like it was too much to heartbreak handle....

I felt sorry for myself.  I felt unloved and unlovable.  I was on a roll with my negative self-talk.  I was pretty certain that things could not get much worse.  What I did not realize was that I was about to survive a life-changing experience that saw my view of myself plunge to an all time low (in front of everyone no less!) in order for God to teach me a powerful lesson about how HE sees me...all within the span of twelve hours.  This experience I was about to have would forever shape how I viewed challenges in my life...and trust me, I had NO idea what challenges were ahead...then or now!

My school of life had not even started...God had merely set the scene.....

August and Everything After - Part 3 - The Family God Makes

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story with God, even though it started in my childhood, really began one August, just a few Augusts ago....

This photo was taken around 5am after a night of all night caravan driving across Kansas.  We still had hours of driving to go, but we had finally made it to the mountains and we all stopped to stretch our legs.  I love this photo because it takes me right back to that early morning of slap-happy laughing, treat eating fun.  Sara Groves and Jem were our tunes of choice and of course, I laugh every time I see what we now call 'the claw.' (my hand over her shoulder which appears in so many photos of us through the years). 

Before going any further with my story, I need to introduce you to someone.  Her name is Jessica and she is quite simply, beyond amazing.  Not only is she beautiful inside and out, she has an incredible heart for God, she is crazy talented, hilarious, generous, smart, wise and super kind to name only a few of her qualities.  She is someone in whom I sensed an immediate kindred spirit when I first met her and we sat on opposite sides of the room in a book discussion group we both were involved in at our church.  Now to be clear, I'm absolutely not saying I possess all of these qualities...- AT ALL- but I'm talking about just that knowing sense of, "I think she's my friend" before even really knowing someone...that beautiful recognition that happens every once in a rare while.  I just knew we were going to be friends.

She was, at this point in the story, and remains to this day one of my accountability partners in life.  She has witnessed, encouraged, stood beside and been there with me at my best most happiest moments, and also at my absolute lowest and saddest moments.  She has listened, held my hand, lifted me up, prayed, shared, given, laughed and held my deepest secrets for years.  I absolutely love this woman and am beyond blessed to call her my friend.  I mention her today because she plays a critical role in the story that is about to unfold.  The girls in this photo above had no idea of what was about to happen, but we both acknowledge now that both of our lives have never been the same since.

When I look back through the lens of perspective on my single days, I see the friendships that grew out of that season, and my heart is humbled to realize that if I had had my way, my plan, I would have missed all of these people, these faces, these stories, these adventures, these hearts, these moments, all of the fun.  All of it! Seriously! I would have missed all of it.  I had no idea all of the beauty, life and love God had in store for me with these incredible friends.  

The years of my singleness, of taking the risk to put myself out there and meet other people in my same life stage and to invest in their lives and to allow them to invest in mine, are some of the richest and best years of my life.  I know that and am able to clearly see that now.  At the time, before this knowing and being known, I did not think it was possible to be happy and be single in my 30s.  It was the one area of my life that I was miserable.  All of my college friends and high school friends were dating seriously, getting married, having babies and settling down.  I love all of my friends, but it became difficult to spend time together the way we did when we were in school together.  As much as we cared about each other, our lives were diverging on the path and going in different directions.  Life was just changing.

As everyone (it felt like) was getting married, I was barely meeting anyone new, let alone dating.  I had the choice to be alone and sad, or I had the choice to adopt a positive attitude, take a big risk and possibly find some new friends...I had to hope that my life could look different.  It was a big choice to make for anyone, but especially for an introverted gal like myself whose idea of a good time is being at home by myself with a good book and my journal or having a few friends over for dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I was blessed to be settled in a job I loved, I was anchored in at my church, I had purchased a cute little house I called home and delighted in decorating.  I had a lot to be thankful for - and I was grateful.  I just was not living the social life I wanted. I honestly wanted to be married and have babies.  But that was not happening for whatever reason.  The single friends I had at the time, were great people, but they primarily liked to go out to bars and drink...a lot...a college mindset and empty lifestyle I felt I was being called to leave behind...but for what? A lifetime of Friday nights at home alone? 

If you have never struggled with being single-- good for you! Count yourself as one of the lucky ones. And just to be clear here, when I talk about being single, I'm not talking about being single during your college years and early 20s when practically everyone you know is single and finding their way in life.  Or you are seriously dating, just not married. Those don't count.  I'm sorry, but it really doesn't where this topic is concerned. Not to say that if that was your story that you did not have your moments of doubt, struggle or wonder, but it is just not even close to the same kind of singleness that I'm talking about here.

I'm talking about those thin years when you realize that you are slowly being left behind by everyone else as they settle down, start families of their own and you just aren't even close to that.  The endless stream of wedding invites, bachelorette parties, shower invitations and holiday cards reminding you over and over again that everyone else's lives are moving forward in the area you want, just not yours.  Those hard years when you search your heart deeply wondering if something is wrong with you, and wondering if you will ever be moving forward toward marriage and family, if that is going to be a part of your story...if that right "someone" even exists let alone if you will ever met them.   Endless setup dates, blind dates wondering and waiting.  And even more painful, pondering what if it never happens? What then?- That is what I'm talking about when I refer to being single. For many (myself included) it's a dark, difficult and often painful season of life no matter when it happens or for how long it lasts.

That is where I had been a year before meeting Joe that summer -lost and very lonely.  But that all changed as I began to receive the gift of new friendships that God lavished on me when I opened my heart. To be blessed with a big beautiful family of friends to love, care for, travel with, celebrate with and lovely new, rich friendships to nurture- well it was a gift beyond measure to a lonely and thirsty heart....a gift best appreciated by someone who knows life without it. God knew this and held this unbelievable gift for me...in His plan.  I just had to practice the courage to step forward with open hands, accept and treasure this gift of a different kind of family he was giving me.  Not my plan, but his- and trust me, he knew waaaay better better than I what I needed then and would need in the years that would follow...including today.   I could not fully see it then, but I completely realize it now.  

 God had gently and graciously led me to two avenues where I met some amazing single people who became like family to me, BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and Fusion (our church's thriving singles ministry).  Being an introverted person by nature, the thought/idea of meeting a bunch of new people exhausted me (and often still does) before even leaving my house!  The idea of attending social gatherings where I didn't really know anyone and making small talk scared the daylights out of me.  But I knew I wanted community and friends, so I faced my fears and stepped forward into the unknown and was greeted by more love, friendship and fun than I ever imagined.  God gave me a family of friends who were just like me: looking for fun, friendship, adventure, spiritual growth, accountability, and most importantly, people who were single and wanted to honor God with how they waited for marriage and family ... plus, as an added bonus, they were having a blast together in the meantime!

So I eased in...slowly. Like I said, I'm an introvert, so it took me awhile.  But soon, it became easier and easier to go to social gatherings because faces became familiar, stories became shared adventures, I joined a small group of amazing women, and opened my heart.  God blessed that effort (and it was an effort for me at times!) one hundred-fold.  As I became more and more involved in the singles community and started serving, roots began growing and before I knew it, I was anchored.  I was missed if I did not show up somewhere, I was asked some hard questions because I allowed access to some deep areas of my heart where I wanted to change, I was invited places and welcomed no matter the kind of day I had had. People who were once strangers became my friends and those friends then became my family.   

I share all of this because it was friends like these who were with me on this particular trip to the mountains and who still add color and love to my life today.  God was so gracious to me as all of my college and high school friends married, and started families of their own.  He gave me a new family of friends, friendships anchored in Him, with roots that go deep and continue to grow deeper today.  It was a family he made.  He knew I would need these women, these men, these friends, these laughs, these adventures, these life lessons often learned the hard way to see me through not only those days of being single, but far, far beyond as well.  

He knew I would lean heavily on their shoulders and they on mine both then and now. He knew these amazing people would carry me and hold my hand breathing encouragement to me when I did not think I could go one inch further on my journey.  I continue to carry so many memories and remain boueyed by so much love from these amazing friends of mine.  I cannot see my life today without their precious faces, and it is hard to believe that if my life had been according to my plan, I would have missed them completely.  I shudder to even think of my life for one minute without their beautiful faces.  I'm so thankful that I did not give up on my life when I was lonely and depressed in my singleness.  Even though it felt impossible at times, I'm so, so glad I risked and got involved and opened myself up to being known by community. If I hadn't, I would have missed all of this... and by 'all' I mean everything my life is today.

I share this today because telling this story of God's faithfulness in my life is completely impossible without mentioning these people who were around me then and who continue to surround me today. I look back and see the simple daily choices I made to take the road less traveled because it was the right road, not the easy one.  The decision to keep my heart open when I wanted to hide and close it down.  How each little choice toward courage that I made took me down the path toward all of this...I didn't know it then, but I see it now.

My friends are absolute treasures in my life.  I had no idea what I was missing before.  I knew what I thought I wanted, but God knew what I truly needed and in his faithfulness, he gave me a family of friends in a season when I needed them most.   

He knew better.  

August and Everything After... Part 2 - On the Bench

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story with God, even though it began in my childhood, really began one August, a few Augusts ago....

Oh my goodness, where were we? Oh yes, I was going to have to "break up" with Joe as my friend.... if you forgot the story because I stared it almost a month ago, (good grief, sorry about that btw!) Here is a link to the first post.

....I was learning so much in these days of my life- about friendship, about God, about setting healthy boundaries for myself, about learning to say 'no'- even to good things....these days were full and I realize now, looking back, I was feeling more alive in my life and in my faith walk than I ever had before.  I see now, it was the beginning of a deeper, richer walk with God.  I felt like my faith was in vivid technicolor.  I felt like every book I was reading was speaking into my season of life.  It felt like every sermon on Sunday morning was being spoken directly to me.  You know how that goes, where you feel like somehow, your pastor has overheard your prayers, or read your journal. 

So after a lot of prayer, continued stealth "research" by my friends, and about 25 more confirmations that Joe was indeed seeing this other girl, it was time.  I was not trying to be dramatic.  I just knew myself.  I had a lifetime pattern of being friends with guys I had secret crushes on, (or maybe they were not so secret...) but anyways, not once in this well established pattern of my life had things worked out the way I had dreamed or hoped they would.  So along with the pattern of secret crushes on a few of my guy friends through the years, I also had a well established pattern of my heart being broken.  It was time to change.  I wanted to make a good choice for my heart- even if it meant breaking it, I knew and God really was affirming that it was the right thing to do.  He was calling me to trust Him with my singleness- a shaky subject with me, but I was determined to break my long standing pattern, and do something different.  So I took the leap of faith...and jumped, trusting that God would catch me....

My church used to have their mid-week services on Tuesday evenings.  I loved these services, not only because of the contemplative aspect of them, but it was also a rich social scene for the singles at my church.  So one Tuesday, after standing around talking with several friends including Joe, people began saying goodnight and drifting away for the evening.  Joe remained and I asked him if we could speak privately outside.

We sat on a bench near the parking lot and I remember two things: my heart was POUNDING, and I was so thankful that it was dark outside so he could not fully see my face. Exact words and phrases of that conversation escape me today (which is strange because at the moment, I swore I would never forget a single word)- but I know I told him what was on my heart.

I told him I liked him as more than a friend.  I told him my feelings were deep and real and that I could not guard my heart any longer and still be his buddy.  I told him I knew that even though he was spending time with me, he was also seeing the other girl - and that I knew things were romantic between them.  I told him something to the effect that I wanted to be respectful of his relationship with her and did not feel that was possible if we were spending time together.  There were awkward silences, I'm sure a few tears, quivery voices (mine) and just a real, heavy sadness in my heart.  I was making the choice to step back from the guy who had surprised me with his friendship and with the ease I felt while being around him.  

I don't remember exactly what he said that night on the bench, but I do remember him confirming that he was seeing the other girl and that he wanted to see where that was going to go.  He was respectful of what I was sharing and what I was choosing to do.  I remember we talked about how things were going to be socially between us.  We did not want things to be awkward, but they needed to be different.  We decided that we would only share this latest development with our closest accountability people, that we did not want it to be socially awkward or weird for our friends.  (Our singles community was close and tight-knit and very active socially).  We agreed that we would no longer spend time one on one, and would not spend time talking or hanging out at social gatherings.  We would be cordial in those awkward moments, but that was it.  It was going to be weird and so, so hard, but it was in the long run, going to be good for my heart.

The true test about how all of this was going to work was just around the corner.  A group of us were getting ready to leave in two days to go on a trip to Colorado.  At the time I signed up, my heart was hopeful that things with Joe could possibly be real.  It was going to be a fun adventure, in a beautiful place with my friends and with a guy my heart had grown to care deeply about.  But now, things lookd very different. I now knew he did not feel the same for me.  I knew he cared for someone else.  I had not been chosen, and now I had to show up, put a smile on my face, hide my tears and have fun.  I was less than excited.  I just wanted to hide out, cry for awhile and come back when I felt stronger...but God had other plans about teaching me about strength in difficulty.  I was about to meet Him on the side of a mountain.

It was the beginning of August 2006 and it was going to be five solid days of togetherness ...me, Joe, his girlfriend and 20 of our closest friends heading to the mountains.... and I had absolutely no idea it would change my life.