Always

by Sarah

In looking forward to November's arrival, I have to admit, I was hoping that things would be getting easier for us emotionally- especially since we had spent so much time and energy working on accomplishing so many difficult things in October.  But what I did not anticipate was the beginning of my own recognition of how profoundly deep this ache truly goes and the glimpses of how long it will be with me- even long after Luke has passed.  This season of having Luke with us has been beautiful and at times joyful, but the longer he is with us, the greater our connection becomes and therefore, the anticipation of his departure becomes agonizing in new and previously unknown ways.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about him and wondering what he would have grown to be like. What would his cry sound like? What things would make him giggle? What toys would have been his favorites? What color would his eyes have been? Would he like music? Would he enjoy being outside? Would he be a chatterbox or more introspective? What books would have been his favorites? Would he possess artistic talent like his father? Who would have been his favorite friends? What kind of food would he have enjoyed eating the most? Would he have been a good student? An athlete? A science-y kid? Would he have been kind like his father? What would his snuggle have felt like against our necks? Would he be an adventurous eater like his daddy is or more basic and plain-jane like his mom? Will he have any idea of how loved he is and how much we will be missing him? Will he have any clue what we, his family, are like? Who would his favorite teams have been? What would have been his favorite holiday? His favorite season? What kind of hobbies would he have loved? These are only a few things we will never know about our sweet Luke...but things I will always wonder about..always until I am reunited with him in heaven.

I have also been spending a lot of time talking with Luke too. I've been telling him as much as I can about our lives, where we live and our world but most of all about his daddy.  I've told him about the seasons, about the beauty of nature that sits outside our doors and windows as we pass by, about the holidays we celebrate, the friends we love and who love him, about how sometimes the simplest things in life are the sweetest.  I'm desperate to make sure that Luke knows all of the little things about Joe that I adore and what I believe make him so amazing.  I want Luke to know how much his daddy loves him and thinks about him and talks to him and prays for him. I want Luke to know how much Joe cares for our family and takes such good care of us. I want him to know what kind of things his daddy is good at doing, how funny he is, how sweet he is and what a solid, man of God he is.  I tell Luke about the things make Joe laugh, what his hobbies are, what his gifts are, what he is good at doing, about how he always knows the best places in town to share a meal, is always believing the best about everyone, seeks out the lonely, is supernaturally patient with me all the time, how he loves and enjoys tinkering with gadgets and the latest "shiny objects," about how he is not afraid to show or express his heart and emotions, has lots of amazing friends and is cherished by everyone who knows him.  I want Luke to know all of these things and more about his earthly father- and for Luke to somehow be able to soak it all in while he's with us so that he will know the blessing his earthly father is to so many- most of all, to me.

I've told Luke about his parent's love story, about how we met, became friends, then were not friends for a long time and how God worked to move mountains so that we could be together and be a family.  I shared with Luke how much we love him and feel blessed to have him in our lives and how he is rich evidence of our love for each other.  I tell him about how he is bringing Joe and I closer together and how even though our hearts are breaking, our love continues to grow deeper and richer and more real with each day.  I tell him how much we love him and will miss him when he is not with us- and how we will never forget him.  I shared with Luke how I've learned more about and experienced new depths of his daddy's love for me during this harsh season than I may have otherwise experienced had circumstances been different. I've told him again and again how I'm forever grateful to him for helping me to not only see but to realize and accept the blessing of this beautiful love affair that is my marriage.

I know that Luke will be waiting for us in heaven with Jesus and that he will always have the joy of companionship with Jesus that we have to wait a lifetime to experience but still...my heart is breaking...more every day.  In some moments, I'm thankful that our Luke will not have to know any of the pain and heartache that life here in this broken world can bring, but just the same, I still, selfishly wish he could be here with us in our tiny little house so we wouldn't have to wait to know him more.  We would not have to wonder about or miss him every day.  One thing is certain:  we will always love him whether he's in my belly or playing up in heaven. Always.