A bend in the path...

by Sarah

My apologies for the lack of new posts these past few weeks. We are so thankful for your continuing to check in on us even though things have been relatively quiet from over here.  I have had so much rolling around in my head and heart lately but have also been really struggling with just the day in and day out of living in our reality.  Yes, I have been going to work.  Yes, I have been attending scheduled social functions and yes, I have been really trying to not become a recluse- but I think that even though I have been socially visible, in my heart, I have been hiding.  Hiding my true heart from many behind the facade of doing "fine" but also attempting to hide my true heart from God as well. 

I have been wrestling in my head with what is happening with Luke.  Wrestling with my questions of "Why?" and "How come?" and "When will this be over?"  and "What am I supposed to be learning from all of this?" I have wanted to avoid God's answers to those questions- not because I don't believe them, but because I know they are not necessarily what I want to hear or have to face.  His answers are His truth and plan for my life- not mine.  His answers are not the answers I'm looking for- but yet, I know they are the right ones.  All the same, I have been really struggling in my faith these past few weeks. Feeling like it does not matter if you pray or not.  Feeling like God has forgotten us in ways too personal to write about, yet also somehow  recognizing God's presence in the small moments of goodness and beauty that continue to be revealed to us along this path. How is he present in the smallest details if he is not also present in the biggest? I'm working on accepting this truth- breath by breath, moment by moment and hour by hour. I believe that God created Luke exactly the way he is- missing kidneys and bladder and all. Luke is exactly perfect in God's eyes- so how do I learn to wrap my heart and brain around this "perfection" in my own life and what does it all mean?

While I have been struggling with my communication and relationship with God around all of this, I know with more certainty than I care to admit, that God has NOT been struggling with his efforts to develop and grow his relationship with me.  He continues to seek me out, whisper to my heart and provide strength and encouragement where I SWEAR there is none to be had. He has spoken to me through my Bible study I've been doing called "Believing God" by the amazing Beth Moore.  He has continued to provide supportive people, information, assistance and encouragement from sources I had not expected...and the beauty He continues to reveal to me during this season is staggering....and yet, I continue to struggle and stumble.

The reason I'm sharing this is because so many people continue to come up and praise me for the way I'm handling this with such faith and strength-and assume that because they do not see me in total collapse that I must be doing "fine."  When the reality is that I'm doing pretty much anything but "fine."  When I'm alone, my heart is crying out to God feeling absolutely lost, forgotten, scared, worried, anxious, angry, fearful and alone.  My mind, the Bible and my faith tell me I am absolutely not any of those things- that God is with me and loves me dearly and wants what is best for me, but my actual daily reality is that my tears fall all the time and my heart is breaking and actually FEELS these emotions and they feel very REAL!  So I share this with the intention of being authentic in this journey- that just because I have faith that God IS beside me, does not mean that I don't have my panicy moments of feeling abandoned, forgotten and alone in this fog that is my life right now.

So these past few weeks, I have taken a little break from here and have been trying to make a concentrated effort to talk to God more and to worry about how people may think I'm doing less.  My conversations with God have at times come out in squeaks and moans in between the sobs- but at least I'm directing those noises and groans of my heart toward Him- which is an improvement.  I have been working to be real with myself about where I am in relationship to God during this season and recognize that even though my faith in him has not been shaken, my confidence in who I am in Him has taken a beating.

I am learning to believe that God is in the midst of revealing himself to me in an entirely new way and remain certain that He is moving and is here beside us on this mountainside.  I stand on this conclusion because this situation with Luke is just too big and crazy for Him not to be in it- in a million years, I would have NEVER chosen this path to motherhood for myself-so that is how I know that this has to be HIS way for me.  That way, I can take no credit for the good that comes of this heartache or for the yet unseen and unknown beauty that somehow always follows a storm or springs forth following a long winter.

I continue to hang onto the rope on the side of this mountain and am once again praying and laying down my life in obedience for what He has got planned for me...today, tomorrow, next week, next year...It's taking all I've got, but I'm certain I'm not alone in the fight.  God is who He says He is and I am who God says I am.

    -"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  "As the heaves are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
                                                - Isaiah 55: 8-9