Ahhhh...Welcome Summer!

This holiday weekend has been everything you would imagine a long weekend to be... fun, restful, productive, projects completed, doing some extra special summer-y things just because... time with friends, visits to favorite restaurant, outdoor concerts, fireworks, hot air balloons, yard work, sunsets, dining al fresco, clean house, pretty things in new places, friends over for dinner, grilling out, homemade ice cream... the works. And we did it all!

A scene from the hot air balloon festival...

...an outdoor symphony concert at Union Station with closing fireworks...

...a happy clean house...

a new ceiling fan on our back porch!

 ...freshly planted flowers...

...a pretty house...

...our backyard...

 ...playing Kubb (an awesome Swedish yard game) in our backyard with friends...

Even though we are in a season of our lives where things have not always gone the way we had planned or wanted them to, and we are still encountering many bumps in the road, I cannot help but believe that in spite of everything, this is going to be an incredible summer.  Ahhh... here's to welcoming and celebrating new seasons in life- both literally and figuratively.

Dear Summer,
We love you and are so glad you are here. We love your long days, gentle breezes, cool swimming pools, lemonade, bbq grills, flowers, road trips, sunsets, long weekends, ice cream, concerts... you get the idea.  Please be kind and bring us some rain with your sunshine and heat. We will do our best to appreciate you the whole time you are here! 

Love, Sarah and Joe

The Gift of the Day

 Sometimes, the unexpected becomes the most beautiful.  

 On Friday, a random last minute decision led to us driving out into the country on a beautiful early summer evening.  

 While we missed the hot air balloons we had intended to see, God surprised us with something so much better. 

 It was beautiful.  

It was peaceful. 

 It was still.  

                                                                 (Sweet Joe)

 It was a gift.

New Eyes

"Earth's crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God- but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
                   - Elizabeth Barrett Browning


Lord, give us new eyes to see all the ways you are revealing yourself around us daily.  Help us to unwrap these simple gifts with hearts of gratitude....Celebrating the beauty in the ordinary and the gifts found in the simple.  We thank you for the lavish love you rain down all around us.  Open the eyes of our hearts. - Amen.

Remembering Two Pink Pluses

One year ago today, two pink pluses emerged before our eyes and changed our lives forever for the better. So much life has happened over the past year...but mostly, so much love.

It's In the Works!

As you know, we have been planning a very special memorial for Luke at our church.  This is a picture of our church's entryway at night.  We attend a church that recently renovated a former "box" shaped furniture store into an incredible, vibrant place we now love to be.  The talented people behind this innovative design brilliantly wanted to incorporate as much natural light into the space as possible and went to great lengths to open up, carve out, cut into and add in lots of space for glass and sunshine.  The results of their hard work is beautiful.

One of the ways they did this was by adding what is called a lightbox.  The above photograph is a shot of the lightbox on a Sunday morning.  As you can see, its an effort by the designers/architects to incorporate natural light inside- right in the middle of the building.  It is floor to ceiling glass around a hole that was cut out of the roof, thereby making it an outdoor nature area- indoors.  It is a focal point in the main area of the church.  And we are beyond thrilled to announce that we get to place a very special bench inside this lightbox area in Luke's memory!

Joe inside the lightbox at Christmastime...when our idea for a memorial in there for Luke was just a secret hope of ours....

A glimpse of the lightbox with snow... it is absolutely beautiful to see it snowing outside...inside...

...another glimpse....

As we proposed our idea for a memorial bench for the lightbox in Luke's honor, we were super excited to get to work with the talented Keith Mueller.  He is a fellow Heartland-er who has a beautiful family and a beautiful life story as well.  We were familiar with Keith's work as he had created two incredible, giant, concrete coffee tables for our new church.  His primary medium for his work is concrete and we met with him back in January to share our hopes and ideas for Luke's bench.  We were deeply touched by the fact that Keith is an artist who both wanted to get our input and ideas for what he was going to create for Luke but also that he felt so honored to be asked to help us.  We could not have been more blessed by his talents.

Keith created several designs for us to ponder and we met with him a couple more times to discuss specifics and possibilities.  He was extremely open to our ideas and feedback which really allowed Joe and I to feel that we were playing a role in helping to create something special to remember and honor our son whom we love so dearly.  We were excited to see Keith's ideas in 3-D (on paper) drawings which helped us to gain better insight into what the possibilities could be.  After getting our hands on those, we went home and Joe got out the tape measure which helped us to gain an even better idea.  While we liked what the drawings held, we also felt like we had a few more ideas of our own we wanted to flesh out a little bit.  Joe then set about sketching out some other ideas he had based on Keith's initial drawings and designs.  There were several that we then re-submitted to Keith and the church's management team (they had final approval obviously).  One of Joe's drawings especially captured our hearts. We both absolutely were crazy about it but were also realistically trying not to get our hopes set on it in case the church or Keith said no.  But they said YES! 

We are so excited to finally share the drawings of what Luke's bench is going to look like! It is going to be a beautiful cloud-shaped bench.  Subtle.  Simple. Absolutely perfect for Luke.

...here is Joe's sketch...looking from the sky downward....

...here is a faint sketch of the bench...inside each leg there will be something special.  On one side there will be a plaque with a message along with Luke's full name and birthday....

....on the other leg will be this design of two interlocking "L"s...for Luke's initials that Joe designed...

...here is the view from the roof looking down into the lightbox.  The circles are trees and the area is completely landscaped.  The 'square' with the shapes inside of it is an interior fountain.  The shapes inside the 'square' are stained concrete pillars in the fountain that we are assuming Luke's bench will coordinate with.

...above are some drawings with the specific dimensions and such- basically it is about the length of a couch (approximately six and a ½ feet long)

 ....the 3D drawings I was mentioning earlier only with the cloud bench design....

So there you have it! It is currently in production as we speak.  We do not know when it will be finished or delivered, but we will be keeping you posted! We remain extremely grateful to all of you who helped to make this a reality for us.  We also wish to say a giant thank you to Keith and to Heartland Community Church's Management Team who helped us bring this hope of an idea to reality.

We are truly honored to have Luke's bench be such a beautiful labor of love made possible by so many incredible people.  It fills our hearts with joy knowing that Luke will be smiling down into that lightbox and into our hearts – always.

Our Season of In Between....

 
Right now Joe and I find ourselves in the beginning stages of what we are calling our 'Season of In Between'...as in – in between where we have been and where we are headed.  We seem to be continually reminded that we are not in control of our lives but that God is... and he always seems to be reminding us that He has some plans for us that we have no clue about! 

We are no longer feeling neck deep in the acute grief stage, but do not yet feel completely healed (whatever that looks like!)... we are somewhere in between.  We continue moving forward with heavy hearts through our days and lives, but are also somehow now able to think about our future... our future family and continue inching our way toward that beautiful dream we hold dear.  However, we are not quite there yet... we are here in between.... in between sweet Luke and our little future family members.

We are also venturing toward discovering where Joe's new professional home will be.  You see, about a month ago, we were informed that due to some cash-flow concerns at the promising young company where he had been working since last July, they were possibly going to have to make some difficult staffing decisions which would result in several employees needing to be let go.  Joe unfortunately was one of those folks.  While it was a highly amicable parting of ways, it was difficult nonetheless as he was extremely fond of the guys he worked alongside there.  They were absolutely wonderful to our family during our difficult season with Luke.  So effective April 30th, my sweet Joe has been hard at work discovering not only what is ahead for him but also for our family.  It's a lot of pressure and is difficult to handle during this already impossible season, but Joe is pressing in and pushing forward.  I could not be more proud of him.

We are also feeling in between homes in a way.  Prior to receiving the news about Joe's job, we had just started the process of dreaming about and looking forward to finding our next home.  The cozy home where we are now is perfect for two (maybe three if we have a major purge and sell a ton of things).  So, we had decided to be proactive and move to a slightly bigger place before having another baby so as to avoid moving while pregnant or with a newborn baby.  It made sense to us and felt right so after talking about it a little bit last winter, we decided to wait to pursue this dream until we felt like we had truly worked through some of our most intense grief.  So finally in early April after so many long, difficult days of grieving, the ideas and efforts to fix up our place, discovering different neighborhoods and dreaming those beautiful dreams together were just starting to take shape and grow wings.  And it felt good.  It finally felt like we were moving toward something hopeful again and it felt life-giving....and then we found out about Joe's job which brought all of those dreams and hopes to a screeching halt and placed back up on the shelf.  For now.  So that is why we feel we are in between where we are now geographically and where we will be someday.  However, we are so thankful that we were not a few more months down the road in the home buying/selling process when we received the news about Joe's job.  Our little house is still ours, we are not financially over-extended with any bids/purchases on future homes and for that we remain extremely thankful.  We are here and we are fine....here in this in between.

It is always difficult to leave behind what is known, familiar and comfortable to move toward the unknown...but sometimes when you are actually feeling ready to move forward but find yourself forced to camp out and wait for the all-clear-go-ahead signal, the waiting itself becomes the work.  It does not mean you will never get to move forward.  It certainly does not mean you are lazy....and waiting well takes a lot of effort.  Waiting well requires that you access the muscles (physical, mental and spiritual) necessary for stillness and dig deep for the patience you feel you do not possess.  God tells us to be still and know he is God.  It is about hoping with purpose, trusting Him to reveal himself in new ways, praying for direction, waiting and surrendering to the inner peace that is submissive only to His greater plans and purposes.  It is a difficult season for anyone to begin but as Joe and I turn and face this open, unknown road before us, our feet standing firmly in this season of in between, our proverbial bags are packed and ready yet for whatever reason, we must wait....and we will until we feel He calls us to move forward in whatever area He reveals He has prepared for us.  But no matter how long this season lasts, our hearts remain open and filled with hope for what is ahead.

Recent Glimpses of Luke...

Watching and photographing the sky has always been a love of mine.  Warmer weather has finally arrived here and with it has come some beautiful days filled with glimpses of some of Luke's cirrus clouds. It continues to be a joy for us to watch the sky to see if we can catch a glimpse of these beautiful clouds after which our sweet Luke is named.  Cirrus clouds are the clouds located closest to heaven and they always remind us that our little guy is not only nearby, but that he is watching over us.  The incredible sky above us is ever changing and seems to allow us here on earth tiny glimpses of the vast beauty that only heaven can hold. Here are some of our most recent sightings of Luke we've had within the last 10 days or so... 

...driving down the street (well, at a stoplight)...

...while taking a break during an all day training... 

....above the parking lot of where I work...

...above Target...

...somewhere in western Kansas...

....above eastern Colorado...

...somewhere along I-70...

...a faint sundog (look for the rainbow) we saw in Eastern Colorado...

...above Colorado....

....on Mother's Day as we walked together beside a beautiful lake...

...and a gorgeous sundog (what that rare rainbow within a cirrus cloud is called) captured by our dear friend, Katie.  Thank you for sending us this amazing photograph Katie!

It brings us so much joy when we hear from friends that they have seen some cirrus clouds and thought of Luke or when we receive photos of cirrus clouds that people have taken the time to share with us. We just cannot tell you how much that means to us. 

We all love you Luke and watch for you everyday!

My Stolen and Captured Heart

This morning, I awoke to a whisper in my ear from Joe, "Happy Mother's Day" followed by a sweet kiss on my cheek.  We celebrated with a delicious breakfast out, a rose, a tear jerker of a card, a beautiful doodle of hope, and a breathtakingly perfect gift. (I'll share more about that later)- let me just say, he completely captured my heart with his love and care for me today (and everyday).

Today is special because it is my first Mother's Day. My heart has been heavy all week long thinking about what today was going to be like and feel like. I've been on the verge of tears for days, I've been feeling overwhelmed by emotions that swing from one extreme to the other- one minute I'm joyful and thankful and feeling strong and the next I can be wiping tears that feel like they will never stop falling- my heart so shattered that I cannot imagine recovering.  It's like that a lot these days for me in this world of motherhood.  I'm learning that while my journey and path here have not been the norm, some of what I've been  experiencing is- tears, fears, worry, heartache, joy, beauty, hope, laughter, dreams, purpose, story, friendships, vulnerability, raw emotion, exhaustion, community, strength, courage, determination, battles, stolen moments, treasured memories, photographs of a lifetime, feeling blessed, feeling forgotten, feeling beyond all else- completely overwhelmed by LOVE.  I'm learning that everything wise women say about motherhood and everything the Hallmark cards write about is true....only times 1,000.

In my difficult journey to celebrating this special day, I've encountered so many dear women who have become even dearer to my heart as friends....All of whom are all on their own paths to this day celebrating motherhood...some of you have been on the traditional path while others of you have been on the anything-but-traditional path.  Some of you are hugging your kids as I'm writing, some of you are grieving the loss of your child, some of you are figuring out single parenthood, others are eagerly awaiting your adoptive child to arrive, some of you are struggling with infertility, and others of you are pregnant and counting down the days...motherhood has all shapes and sizes...but one group of women I especially want to acknowledge are the brave, beautiful women who are waiting to find the right man so they can begin trying to begin their own families.  You mothers of heart so often pour yourselves out into the lives of others, celebrating births and weddings of your friends while wondering and praying for your own celebration some day...future-to-be motherhood is one of the most painful kinds of 'motherhood' because it requires all the faith you have got to give....and nothing less. You give wondering if you will ever be receiving, you pray wondering if God even hears your cries, you love hoping that someday, the one you love will love you in return and be the right man for you.  You gals are especially on my heart today as I know from my own long season of waiting to find my Joe how difficult and painful that waiting can be.  So beautiful sisters, know that you are covered with prayer and believe that God has someone special for you who will steal your heart in the most beautiful way.....and just so you know, someday down past the bend in the road ahead, that special person just may be a 4lb 9oz beautiful bundle of joy.  So today I'm praying for all of you moms out there- those with children, those without, those waiting for them to arrive, and those trying with all they have to offer, and for those praying and hoping for a family of their own someday. I love you all and believe you to be incredible and beautiful.  I know and deeply believe there is hope for all of us and I'm learning that having hope in your heart is life-giving in and of itself.  I remain so thankful for the role you have personally played in helping me reach my first Mother's Day.

As I sat crying and looking at photos of Luke this morning, I felt sad, but I also felt overwhelmed by the blessings I have been given through him.  From the moment his itty bitty feet started kicking my belly to the moment where I could finally touch and kiss them in person, that little guy and all of his 4lbs 9oz completely took over my heart and stole it away - and I am a better person for it.  Being his mama and a wife to his daddy has been the absolute greatest adventure and biggest blessing of my entire life.  Not saying it has been easy by any stretch, but it's my story....my path...my journey and those two amazing guys are the ones whom God has placed right beside me and I'm beyond grateful...for both the tears and the laughter, the heartbreak and the overwhelming love they have brought along with them...

 Sometimes I daydream about heaven and what it is like and what Luke is doing and I just cannot wait to get there and hold him close to me again as we listen to Jesus telling Luke his life's story and his life's purpose when we are all together again in heaven.  Because even though his time here was short, his life truly had a purpose and an impact here as did his presence here in this world.  Especially for me.  I'm so honored to get to celebrate my first Mother's Day as Luke's proud mama.  Even though my arms are empty today with no tiny, sweet little guy named Luke to hold close, thanks to Joe and the love and kindness of so many of you...my heart is unexpectedly overflowing with love....and whispers of hope.  I am so thankful.   Blessings to all of you.

Four Months

My Sweet Boy Luke,
Four months ago today our little family was born.  We could not take our eyes off of you and wanted to savor and soak in every single second we were given with you.  We instantly fell head over heels in love with you as we held you in our arms never wanting to let you go. Our hearts remiain heavy but our cherished photos of our time with you are starting to bring some smiles along with the tears.  You were a little guy who made a HUGE impact upon so many lives- especially your Daddy's and mine.  We appreciate everything in our lives so much more because of you.  Although we know you are in heaven, we miss you terribly and long for just one more glimpse of your precious face, one more snuggle, one more tiny grip from your fingers...

Jesus taught that we are to place the treasure of our hearts in heaven and heaven alone- not in earthly things, people or places.  I understand that concept much more profoundly and personally now because of you, Luke.  I speak for both your daddy and me when we say that our treasure is truly in heaven because that is where you are sweet boy.  You are our greatest treasure Luke and we are so grateful to your Maker for the incredible day we got to spend with you in our arms four months ago.  We love you more every minute and continue our daily watching of the sky for glimpses of you through your beautiful cirrus clouds.

This past month has been especially difficult in missing you- I feel like you are everywhere - in every baby cry I hear, every pregnant belly reminds me of our time growing together, every stroller, every little boy I see, every carseat... I wonder what you are doing and who is playing with you and telling you stories and snuggling you in my absence....while it is comforting to think of all of our loved ones taking turns laughing, holding and loving you...I simply and selfishly wish it was our turn.

It feels like we have lived a lifetime in these past four months, and yet it feels impossible that only four months have passed.  I remember your birthday like it was yesterday.  My memories of you are vivid, beautiful and very much alive.  You are in my heart and mind's eye every minute of every day, Luke. Your life continues to make my life richer and I know that richness will only deepen as time continues to pass by.  I adore you my sweet boy, more every day.  You are my treasure.

Happy four month birthday sweet Luke!
Mom