Thursday, September 2, 2010

Facing Fears


 Six months ago when I was home on my maternity leave, I made a list of all of the things I was scared to do and the list was l-o-n-g and frankly, I could not even imagine making it to August at the time, so I felt pretty safe when I realized that everything on the list would have to be dealt with and faced by August (just by the nature and timing of the events on the list).  So when I pulled it out earlier this week to look at, my jaw dropped as I read over it and could see all of the things I had pushed into and faced over the past six months.  I was just in awe of how God not only brought me through August, but that he also brought me through almost all of those fears, situations, conversations and circumstances...each in their own time.  Step by step, one at a time and while our situation is practically the same as it was then- actually a little worse if you take into account Joe losing his job- I can plainly see, that I am not.

I am a different girl then I was six months ago.  I'm not healed, but I'm healing.  I'm not happy, but I'm happier. I'm still grieving, but I'm not grief stricken.  I still cry almost every day, but I no longer sob every day.  I do not feel strong, but I know I am stronger.  Making these realizations about myself and seeing that even though I do not feel like it most of the time, I am making progress and I am continuing to move forward in hope and toward our future...whatever that may be.  (Which sounds so simple to write it out, but the reality of the recognition for my own self was huge.)  I'm so grateful for the way God allowed me that glimpse and reminded me that he is working in the every day details and moments and for the way he has brought me this far through this desert season in my life.  I'm not where I am going yet, but I can see that even though I feel like time is moving in slow motion, my life and healing are not.

The good thing about facing your fears head on is that you really only have to do it once, because after that first time or encounter, it will never be as hard as it was to do that very first time and from there will get a little bit easier the next time and then a little bit easier and then a little bit easier and so forth on through the process.  I also want to recognize and honor the fact that the pain that is often the companion with some of these fears really does not diminish as you move through the process of facing your fears.  The pain simply just becomes easier to identify, and manage.

I feel like I have just become much more aware of myself, my feelings and my "typical" responses in certain, expected situations.  For example, prior to our church's baptism at a community park, knowing it would be a deeply painful experience, Joe and I went out to the park alone the day before to spend time there without anyone else around.  I wanted to be able to cry and be sad and remember our little family's happy, beautiful day from the year before without a crowd of people around me.  I knew I needed to be at the baptism because it would be a difficult milestone to honor, and for that reason alone, I wanted to push in and face it head on.  But I also wanted to give myself an avenue to express all of the emotions that would obviously be present, so by going out the day before and crying and praying and just sitting in silence remembering how happy we had been in that place all together, I was able to actually feel okay and present on the actual day.  But on the other hand, there are many other times where I have not been prepared or have planned poorly and have walked into a situation completely unprepared for my emotional reaction and response.  It is a hard thing to understand, but I'm learning that no matter what your fear or situation you are struggling with facing, the only way to face it is with a willing heart and by taking one step at a time (and it helps if you carry some Kleenex in your purse too!)

Although my list of fears to face from February is pretty much miraculously completed I am not saying that I am without fears or worries for what is ahead on the path for me.  I know there are many more difficult days, situations and encounters ahead.  However, I understand so much better now than I did in February, that by digging in and being willing to practice courage, you don't become weaker...in fact, quite the opposite.  Your heart beats stronger, you learn so much about yourself and sometimes, you even feel like you can fly.  It is truly amazing to recognize that the fears that have held you prisoner for so long... whether in thought or reality, when faced with strength, bravery and prayer, eventually become the very things that end up setting you free.  I'm so grateful for such a beautiful truth- even if it is a paradox!

2 comments:

  1. Sarah,
    It is always wonderful to cross things off a list. I always feel so accomplished when I find just the right thing at the grocery store or I finally finish that mountain of paperwork. I am so happy you thought to write all of those fears down so you could have evidence of your progress and strength. I want you to know that even though I can't see what is crossed off and what is left to face, I can see how you've changed throughout this journey. I am constantly inspired by you and your family. Your dedication to your relationship to God, your family, and yourself provide encouragement to me.
    -Laura

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