Journeying Toward Perspective: Part 1

A couple of years ago around the New Year, I began noticing around the blog world that different bloggers I enjoyed reading were choosing a 'word' for their upcoming year that would shape and guide them throughout.  Words like, 'hope', 'up', 'joy', 'open', 'rest', 'courage' and 'possibility' to name but a few were claimed and put out for the world to ponder.  I admit, I found the idea very inspiring and wanted to join in.  However, I did not necessarily stick with it after a few days or weeks as life took over and I don't even think I wrote about it that much (which is tantamount to me not actually processing). 

This year as the New Year approached and I was desperate for things to be 'new' and to reorient myself towards clarity and focus again instead of the foggy, reactionary living habits I had fallen into, I began thinking about what I wanted my 'word' to be for 2013 way back in October of 2012.  My journal is filled with my ponderings on what word to choose and why. Coming off of such a difficult 2012, and knowing that some tough things were ahead for me this year, I was thinking about words like, 'fearless,' 'courage', 'strength' and the like.  I had in my mind that I would need those elements to be in my mind as I faced daily challenges, fractures in my confidence, struggles to have another baby, obstacles to personal growth, times when I did not want to work out, or frankly as I faced myself on days where I just did not want to get out of bed.  I was determined to hold onto my word and make it my own and write about it along the way and to have it change me.

Then, along came my friend, Jena.  She is a beautiful person inside and out who also happens to have a passion for writing.  We have spent time together in various social settings, and from time to time, she would mention how she lets God give her a word for her year and how it has transformed and deepened her faith. Huh.  She lets God give her her word....and it helps her grow in her faith and relationship with God.  It sounds crazy, but in my few years of "doing this" little personal exercise, I had never put the choosing of my 'word' into the framework of faith and how I could do this with God.  I had always put it through the filter of my own strength, might and will....it was my word and I was choosing it based on what I wanted to see more of in my life or what I felt I needed more of.  I have also desperately been wanting to grow deeper in my walk with God, yet had never connected the two dots.  Funny how that can happen when you are trying to do everything yourself without any input from above.

In my fog of disappointment and frustration with God that had developed over the past year, I had not even realized how hard my heart had become toward Him until I began thinking about Jena's words and realizing how little I have been seeking His input and leadership - let alone Lordship in my life.  I was truly stunned that it had not even occurred to me to ask the One who knows me the best, the One who designed me, who foresaw these difficult and dark days in my life before I was even born what He might want to reveal to my heart in this new season.  It was a convicting realization.  I knew he patiently awaited my surrender, only in my stubbornness and lack of faith, I clung tightly to my own ways.

Initially, I landed on my own word for the year- courage.  I was very excited about it and felt like it would carry over into every area of life that I needed it to based on what I could see that lay ahead.  I of course, did not tell anyone about it, but myself and God.  (Note:  I told God.  I'm sure he had a little chuckle at my expense!)  Then, a couple of weeks into January, Jena was again sharing with a large group of women about her word for this year and gently challenged our group to let God give us a word for our lives.  Her challenge was offered as gentle encouragement, but in my heart the challenge did not feel gentle not because of her words, but because my heart was hard and God knew I needed a swift kick to actually get the message and respond.  I felt God nudging me directly to allow Him to choose my word.  As I began to acknowledge his nudge, I knew He had a different word for me than the one I had chosen, and this made me feel nervous.  This nudge did not dissipate over the next few days and I began praying (admittedly with some trepidation in my heart) and asking God to give me a word....one that HE wanted for me at this point in my journey.  

A fortnight passed as I continued to listen and eventually a word began appearing over and over and over again both in my heart and all around me- so much so, that I absolutely could not miss it.  I certainly could not deny that God was trying to send me a message about what my word for the year was truly supposed to be.  Without question, I knew my new word was PERSPECTIVE.  It is not one I chose or would choose, that is for sure.  My mind was racing and my heart felt anxious as I wondered what it meant and what it might possibly mean for me in the future.  Would it be hard? Would it be good? Would I like it?   Ironically, the more I wondered and turned this future journey over in my mind trying to "manage" it, "understand" and "control" its potential outcome and impact, the more perspective I gained on how much God really wanted to teach me about it and how much I had yet to learn. I pretty much immediately began to feel the humbling process of my heart's sharp edges of pride and unbelief being pressed upon by my Maker's skilled hands.  He alone knows best the soul work and beauty ahead.

With a shaky heart in the weeks that have followed, I have repeatedly worked on actively surrendering my life, my focus, my heart, my time, my energy and my thoughts in effort to wholeheartedly participate and milk this experience for every ounce of blessing that He is holding for me here.  I have been amazed, stunned and my hope re-energized by all He has shown me so far and it's only March.  Not every experience has been pleasant, but it has all been beautiful in its own way.  I look forward to sharing more of my journey toward 'perspective' here with you on the blog as I throw my messy, broken life into His expert hands for His glory.

...to be continued