My apologies for the blog being quiet. Our family has had a rough couple of weeks. Between the three of us, we have each had major colds (some have lasted all three weeks!! Ahem.) Lily has cut FOUR new teeth. Our sweetest girl has had TWO rounds of double ear infections as a result = no fun and not many naps which means no breaks for this Mama. And we have been practically buried in almost two feet of snow here in the Midwest, so there have been lots of snow days and cabin fever on top of everything else! (Hello, wandering trips to Target - one of the only stores open -with no list just to get out of the house! I think we were one of 8 people in the whole store, too!) ... but I digress...
Now that it's March, my internal seasonal calendar is also saying it's finally Springtime. Along with the anticipation spring's beauty, I almost tangibly feel a change in my heart...a readiness for new things, fresh starts and new growth. In some small ways, my heart feels energized as it has not for a long time. I notice a little bit of hope cracking open again here in the darkness which feels both scary and life-giving all at the exact same time.
I'm ready for spring, and I'm waiting for the rain. Like the parched earth here in the drought stricken middle part of the country, my heart also waits for its refreshment from Above. All I can do is prepare myself for its arrival...so I clean, I play, I pray, I mother, I read, I listen, I cook, I host, I write, I go to doctor appointments, I follow directions, I wait, I wait and I wait some more... hoping doing all of these things in obedience will somehow lead me to where I'm supposed to be....wherever that is.
I know it is not about doing the right things or staying busy and distracted, but it is about doing all I can to somehow prepare my heart to become I'm the woman I'm called to be for whatever God holds for me in the days, weeks and months ahead. I absolutely do not know where this path I'm on leads so I just continuing to take the next step in front of me trusting that Someone much greater than I can see the map.
My heart feels uncertain of where I'm heading but also confident that it's where I'm supposed to be going. I can accept that now. I'm trying to practice faith daily and sometimes even hourly by trusting only in Him along this journey. I'm working on learning to be still in my heart and wait patiently for the Lord to move, while also marching forward in obedience through my days and responsibilities. I'm striving to honor the life and calling I have here and now instead of bemoaning what I feel isn't "right" about it.
I'm learning that somehow it is possible to both wait and move forward in obedience all at once. I am far from an expert on this as you know. I'm just a girl striving to make some imperfect progress along the path of faith and surrender which is so much more than I could say about myself in all of 2012 where I was primarily angry, frustrated, depressed, disappointed and super pouty/bratty about it all with God. So, hooray for small and minor victories, right? I'll take them!
Friends, God is working. He is moving and He is meeting me where I am -in my fear and disappointment- and it is a truly beautiful thing to experience how he is and has been loving me throughout this season (Don't worry, its a whole different blog post!). Yes, I'm absolutely ready for the seasons to change, both outdoors and within my heart. I'm ready, waiting and watching for His beauty to bloom....