Life's Boot Camp

by Sarah

Sometimes I catch myself in amazement that time continues to move forward.  Or I guess I should say, that I (we) continue to move forward in life...day by day, hour by hour. I really believed that time would stop back in January...that my life as I knew it was over.  Which in a way is accurate, but I'm learning that life in a new form, carries us onward.  I'm a different person today than I was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.  With every passing day I am learning new things about myself, my resolve, my strength, my lack of it, my hopes, my dreams, my husband, my courage, my fears, my heart, my relationships, my marriage, my passions, my weaknesses.... It's almost as if I'm in some kind of boot camp of life...and boot camp is never easy.  It's designed to break you down so you can be built back up into a new, stronger version of yourself.

It would be very easy to disappear into this abyss of sorrow and grief and never reemerge. But that is not the life I want for myself.  I desire to ready my heart to love our future children and for them to have a mother whose spirit is peaceful, whose perspective is filled with hope, whose body is strong, whose eyes twinkle with joy and whose heart overflows with love, adventure and laughter.  I also know that working on becoming this woman requires every ounce of strength, determination, and surrender I can muster on most days. But I'm willing to give it everything I've got. Not to sound dramatic, but sometimes I feel like I am actually fighting for my future life when I choose to push toward hope for my future happiness by exercising, eating well, having quiet time, praying etc.  I want to live again.  I do not want to be where I am today six months from now...I have hope for myself.  For us. For our family....  But some days, I feel that hope is opposed and fear and grief overwhelm even my best efforts.

Last August Joe and I stood before a large crowd, shared our joyous news of our baby on the way and professed publicly that we were choosing to follow God's call on our lives.  Seven months later, here we are.  Certainly not how we envisioned our journey ahead to be, but it was where God called us to go....and we went. (Not without many tears and a lot of fear though!)  I cannot begin to wrap my mind around all that has happened in our world over the past seven months, but I think I can speak for both of us when I say that our journey of following God together has been one giant, crazy, joyful and heartbreaking adventure! Certainly not easy but absolutely beautiful. No question.

So we continue in our journey...life moving us forward...day by day and hour by hour.  We are trying to work on being thankful in our own ways for this difficult season of "life boot camp" and the ways God is breaking and strengthening us while all the while, he whispers and teaches us about his beautiful miracle of losing life in order to truly find it.

Thank you, Lord for the blessings you have rained down upon our lives and in our days.  I thank you for our beautiful son, Luke and all of the lessons his little life continues to teach and reveal to us. Thank you for making all things new....even these broken hearts of ours.  We believe you are God and that you love us and that you have good plans for our little family.  We believe you are using Luke's life and ours for your glory and good even when it does not feel that way.  Open our eyes, ears, hearts, spirits and minds to see the countless ways you show us you love us. Use our lives to tell your story, Lord.  Help us please. We love you.-