Marching Forward

 by Sarah

This blog has been quiet for a few weeks now.  Not by design or intention and certainly not for lack of things to write about or share.  It's been quiet simply out of personal necessity.  What I'm learning about myself through this experience of grief and healing is that when emotions and experiences are roaring their loudest inside my heart and spirit, I'm finding myself rendered speechless on the outside.  There is so much to process that at times it's just too much and I end up with cheeks wet with tears and no words...I feel crushed and sometimes just numb.  I'm working on that though....working on being able to experience my life in a healthy way that allows me to feel alive and able to creatively express myself. That is the goal...but I'm not there yet.

Since returning to work almost a month ago, I have been living in survival mode.  Not to be dramatic, but surviving is really all I've felt capable of doing this past month.  Get up, get ready, get to work on time, show up for appointments and meetings, do the work that needs to be done, smile at people, try and be kind, try and hold myself together, exercise after work, fix dinner, try and do what needs to be done to keep the household running, collapse into bed and escape into a movie with Joe, pray, sleep, repeat.  It has taken all I have to do those simple things- to "live" my life every day. 

In recent months, my life feels like it has been in black and white- not color.  I miss the color that laughter, joy, happiness, beauty and hope add to your days.  When the color of life and living is gone, everything fades to black and white with a smidge of gray here and there....and it is bleak.   Often times I do not have anything to offer anyone by way of email responses, thank you note writing or phone call returns... At times it feels exhausting just to smile at people let alone be "present" with them....my heart tank is just empty.  It sounds selfish and sad to write that out, but it is my truth right now in this season.

I've been living under the radar lately, not being overly social, not really wanting to do much other than hang out at home with my wonderful husband.  It's almost as if due to the protection we've been afforded by our friends and family, we've been able to live in hibernation during these long, impossible winter months.  Hibernation with the hope of surviving this season well and all the while waiting for spring to arrive.  I'm not simply talking about the official spring season arriving, although that will be fantastic, but more of a personal "spring" season. ...ahh, lovely spring with its beautiful colors, fresh air, rebirth and new hope....when the breezes of optimism cannot help but transform the presence and countenance of most living things. I cannot wait.

Even though my own "winter" has no official end on the calendar, I'm trusting that my spring's arrival will be known to me simply by the beauty that begins breaking through the gray of my mind, heart and world....when the colors of happiness gradually return...when I catch myself feeling happy and don't feel guilty.  When there are days with more laughter than tears.  When I can feel us emerging from the shadows out into the sunshine.  

Although the calendar says it's March, the official beginning of the spring season, my personal spring has not yet arrived.  Sometimes that is discouraging and weighs heavily upon my heart, but somewhere deep inside my heart I know it's coming and will eventually arrive.  There will be days where my heart sings again, where I can see the colors of happiness all around and where I feel life and joy returning to the air I'm breathing and the thoughts I'm thinking.  I'm working on living my best in the moments of these difficult days, but I'm absolutely and breathlessly watching and waiting for what God promises will surely be a beautiful spring.