Two Months

Sweetest Luke,
We met you two months ago today.  It feels impossible that over eight Mondays have come and gone since your birthday.  I count hours.  I count days.  I count weeks and now I am heartbroken in my counting of months since we got to meet and then had to part.  Each day brings reminders of things I long to be doing with you.  Simple things.  Little things. Just everyday life things that so many people take for granted.  I would love to be going to the grocery store together, helping you get dressed each day, sitting at stoplights and singing to you in the backseat, dancing with you in my arms in the living room, watching the Olympics with you and your dad, listening to the first birds of spring chirping outside the window, going for walks together, fixing dinner for your dad together in the kitchen, spending quiet moments together in the middle of the night...you and me.  So many little things I long to be doing with you but can't. 

I never tire of looking at photos of you.  You truly were such a beautiful miracle and I cherish getting to see you in these beautiful photos all the time. I would give anything in the world to hold you again and be able to whisper how much I love you into your ear.  But since I can't do that, I just talk to your photos and tell you these things.  Sometimes I also talk to the sky in hopes that somehow you are able to know and understand what I'm saying and can feel my love all the way up there in heaven. 

Even though our time together was brief, like I said, I have spent hours looking at you and studying your beautiful face and body in our pictures.  I love that I have become familiar with your sweet face and different expressions.  I especially love catching glimpses of you in your daddy's face.  Every once in awhile his face will be set in such a way that I am able to recognize you in him- a krinkle of his nose, his profile,  a glace of his cheek at a certain angle...and I am suddenly and miraculously able to see you again! When this happens, I cannot help but smile in spite of my sadness.  I think these glimpses of you are a gift that God gives me to help me through these dark days.  Luke, when I think of you and how I get to be your mama forever, my heart swells with so much love and joy that I almost cannot hold in my tears. (Actually, most times I don't end up holding them in...)

I miss you so much Luke.  I'm back at work now and it was so hard to leave my days spent entirely with your memory behind.  I brought many photos of you with me back to work so you are never far from my eyes or my thoughts even when I'm working.  You remain front and center in my heart and you are thought about thousands of times each day and missed much more than I am able to express to you.  I wish you were here.  I wish our home was full of your life, your cries and your things.  There is a Luke-shaped hole in our lives and there always will be.  We met you two months ago today, and our lifetime of loving you is only beginning.  We love you always.

Happy two month birthday my beloved angel.  Missing you so much it hurts.

Love,
Your mom