Thursday, March 4, 2010

Two Months



Sweetest Luke,
We met you two months ago today.  It feels impossible that over eight Mondays have come and gone since your birthday.  I count hours.  I count days.  I count weeks and now I am heartbroken in my counting of months since we got to meet and then had to part.  Each day brings reminders of things I long to be doing with you.  Simple things.  Little things. Just everyday life things that so many people take for granted.  I would love to be going to the grocery store together, helping you get dressed each day, sitting at stoplights and singing to you in the backseat, dancing with you in my arms in the living room, watching the Olympics with you and your dad, listening to the first birds of spring chirping outside the window, going for walks together, fixing dinner for your dad together in the kitchen, spending quiet moments together in the middle of the night...you and me.  So many little things I long to be doing with you but can't. 

I never tire of looking at photos of you.  You truly were such a beautiful miracle and I cherish getting to see you in these beautiful photos all the time. I would give anything in the world to hold you again and be able to whisper how much I love you into your ear.  But since I can't do that, I just talk to your photos and tell you these things.  Sometimes I also talk to the sky in hopes that somehow you are able to know and understand what I'm saying and can feel my love all the way up there in heaven. 

Even though our time together was brief, like I said, I have spent hours looking at you and studying your beautiful face and body in our pictures.  I love that I have become familiar with your sweet face and different expressions.  I especially love catching glimpses of you in your daddy's face.  Every once in awhile his face will be set in such a way that I am able to recognize you in him- a krinkle of his nose, his profile,  a glace of his cheek at a certain angle...and I am suddenly and miraculously able to see you again! When this happens, I cannot help but smile in spite of my sadness.  I think these glimpses of you are a gift that God gives me to help me through these dark days.  Luke, when I think of you and how I get to be your mama forever, my heart swells with so much love and joy that I almost cannot hold in my tears. (Actually, most times I don't end up holding them in...)

I miss you so much Luke.  I'm back at work now and it was so hard to leave my days spent entirely with your memory behind.  I brought many photos of you with me back to work so you are never far from my eyes or my thoughts even when I'm working.  You remain front and center in my heart and you are thought about thousands of times each day and missed much more than I am able to express to you.  I wish you were here.  I wish our home was full of your life, your cries and your things.  There is a Luke-shaped hole in our lives and there always will be.  We met you two months ago today, and our lifetime of loving you is only beginning.  We love you always.

Happy two month birthday my beloved angel.  Missing you so much it hurts.

Love,
Your mom

4 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday dear Luke. You are missed and will never be forgotten.

    Sarah, I continue to pray for healing for you and Joe. Even though it may be hard right now to comprehend how or when or what that will look like. Love you so much, Katie

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  2. Oh Sarah, you would not believe the clouds we got to enjoy at on the way to school this morning...even my 9 year old Emma couldn't stop talking about them. I could only think of Luke!! Then I got to come home and listen to your beautiful heart in this post. Hang in there Mama. God is good and loves you dearly. Love never fails. Please know you are thought of constantly, and your faith and love is such an inspiration. Hugs to you, Erin Bise

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  3. Dear Sarah and Joe - In New Zealand we are a day ahead of you so I met Luke on his two month birthday through your blog. I am awestruck by the courage and acceptance you have shown in your first year of marriage. Reading the whole of lasooing the moon in one reading was intense but also great that I got to hear of your welcome and farewell to your little angel Luke. I love the cirrus middle name and the clouds will always be a reminder of Luke from now on. After reading all morning I had to go to the supermarket and ended up shop-talking to another woman. Before I knew it I was telling her about Luke. Would you believe that she was a hospital Chaplain? So even here down under we are participating in Luke's legacy.Be blessed by Psalm 23 - knowing that the Good Shepherd who holds Luke in his arms is walking with you through the dark valley to green pastures where you can rest and feed

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  4. So, beautiful, Luke's mama. I can't believe it's his two month birthday already. Your heart's words and perspective is amazing in "a lifetime of loving you is just beginning."

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