by Sarah
I had my last official day of work on Monday, December 21st and I got very emotional as the time neared for me to leave the office. Typically when it is your last day of work before a vacation, you are excited and eager to leave- looking forward to what is ahead. However, I was not. I was unsettled, anxious, tearful and emotional...it was the last time that Luke would be at work with me, kicking me as I sat at my desk, causing me to feel out of breath while I talked with kids, filling up the chair I sit in...the last time we would be there together. I cried as I drove away from there....knowing and realizing how vastly different I will be when I return. I cried because I wasn't leaving for a vacation...I was leaving to begin the saddest and most difficult season of my life...and even though it's time, I'm still not ready. I cried because the chapter of going to work and having that routine was closing for us. But mostly I cried because I knew it was time for the REALLY difficult part to begin.
Even though I was feeling all of these things, I was also feeling a tad bit relieved at no longer having to feel "pulled together" or "focused" on professional topics when my heart and mind were truly always elsewhere. I felt relieved to finally feel able to honor my emotions and feelings as they arise during the day without having to bottle them and have them burst forth later in the evening on the drive home or upon arrival back home. I felt relief at being free from an environment where everyone knew what was going on, but only a few spoke or asked about Luke for fear of upsetting me or of not knowing what to say...understandable, but still difficult. I will miss seeing the faces of the fantastic women on my team who have helped me to stay up on my feet these past few months with their support, love, hugs, encouragement, patience, tears and true friendship. I would not have survived without their TLC everyday...besides Joe, they were the ones around me the most on a daily basis- and that cannot have been easy..and they took great care of me.
As I prepared to depart, my teammates and coworkers from another team bombarded me with love. Instead of exchanging gifts with one another, they collected money and purchased gift cards for me for many of my favorite places to help me along my path to recovery. There were gift cards for home decor places, bookstores, coffee shops, a salon, itunes etc... I was completely overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness and absolute generosity of heart. It is beyond humbling to feel wrapped in so much love and support by the people in your life. God continues to show me amidst this dark season that no matter how I may be feeling or what I am facing, my cup indeed, runneth over.
So as this chapter of work ends for me in this season of my life, the next form of "work" begins...the work of preparing my mind, spirit, body and heart for what is ahead, the work of creating a restful environment in which to recover, the work of physically having a baby, the work of emotionally and physically saying goodbye to my sweet, adored baby boy, the work of honoring his life both publically and privately, the work of grieving and mourning, the work of recovering physically and the mighty work of healing- heart, spirit and body.
My head is bowed as I begin this next phase of the journey...Lord, I am praying for a willing, teachable and plyable heart as we enter this season together.
- ..."Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go."
-Joshua 1:16
Your posts always touch my heart, Sarah. I feel so privileged to have spent time with sweet Luke and his sweet Mama at her work. I know I didn't acknowledge him enough, but please know that I always felt him there with us. You are so very dear to all of us, Sarah.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you,
Julie