Lasts

by Sarah

Since December 4th- one month from Luke's delivery date- arrived, I have felt every semblance of composure slipping away from me...a feeling which has only increased in intensity as the days of December have sped by. With the passing of December 4th, sweet Luke's final month has arrived and along with it, the dawning realization that everything will start to be our 'last' with him.  When I think about this, I sometimes  feel like I cannot breathe.  The arrival of this final month has also kicked into high gear my own mental countdown and attempt at preparation for the dreaded, approaching reality...which is proving to be simply almost too much to bear.

There has been so much that I have wanted to document here on the blog, but I have truly struggled with finding actual words to put to the thousands of tears marking these days that are passing by far too quickly.  It's strange because while they are days I want to always remember, its almost as if my brain will not let me encode them with written language- that they are being written on my heart where no language or words are necessary....but I'm still going to try.

Along with many wonderful experiences, we have also had some challenging "lasts" as well.  In the past few weeks we have had our final sonogram, final OB appointment, finalized our birth plan, finalized Luke's honoration service details, started packing for the hospital, have been crossing off things on our "bucket" list of things we want to be sure to do with Luke while he is here, had my last day of work, had my last blood draw prior to delivery, had our maternity photos taken...a season of "lasts" that just crushes my heart to recognize.  As difficult as this part of the season with Luke has been, the reality that its coming to a close is bringing with it an avalanche of emotion...a recognition that he will soon not be here with us to feel kicking and moving and growing...that he will soon be gone...only alive in our hearts...

How do you hold on tightly to someone you must also let go of?

Even though I know what we are approaching is not the end of our story, it certainly feels that way in these moments and days. I cannot see beyond them.