Girl Power

by Sarah

I used to be naive.  I used to believe that pregnancy was one of the most lovely and beautiful times in a woman's life- a time where her dreams of finally becoming a mother are within her reach and she is happy all the time.  A time where women cannot help but look beautiful and radient.  A time where everything is exciting and that if you take care of yourself and receive great prenatal care, you will have a happy, healthy baby at the end of a long wait.  While some women are lucky enough to experience pregnancies like that, I'm not that girl any more.  Before we found out about Luke's diagnosis, I had never really considered all that could go wrong with a pregnancy.  I knew of course, that it was possible for there to be some kinds of complications while pregnant, but in my heart I believed that with today's technology and medical services available, that these complications were more inconveniences and could more than likely be remedied. I did know about miscarriages, but actually believed that once you made it out of the "danger" window of that first trimester, you were free to breathe a little bit easier and no longer had to worry about your baby not surviving.

What I know now is a lot more about the heartbreak and dark side of pregnancy than I ever imagined existed. I feel like my innocence and joy of becoming a mother has been taken away from me.  While I will hopefully be blessed enough to have more children, I do not think I will ever feel freely happy until that baby is declared healthy and is placed in my arms.  I no longer look at pregnant women around me and simply think about how beautiful they look to me- I now wonder if their babies are okay, or if they are secretly heartbroken and walking around sad, scared and worried like me. I find myself whispering prayers for pregnant ladies I see everywhere...prayers for their babies, prayers for the mamas...prayers for what I cannot see or do anything to help or fix.  I have learned that being pregnant and becoming a mother is not always as idyllic as it may appear.

As I've been on this difficult path to motherhood, I've been overwhelmed by the amazing women around me who upon learning about Luke, have come up and shared stories of their own pregnancy heartbreaks and losses.  These are stories that no one really talks about or shares publicly...the ones you don't hear discussed or read about in the pregnancy books.  I have been amazed to hear from friends and strangers alike of this secret, sad world of pregnancy that so many women have passed through on their way to motherhood.  Whether it has been situations similar to my own, stories of phantom pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, loss of an infant due to foreseen complications, SIDS deaths, surprise stillbirths, miracle births, infertility struggles....there have just been so many stories...so many brave women....women who have lent me their shoulders, their stories and their strength to help me along this path.  While I'm so sad to become a member of this secret sorority of sadness, I continue to feel honored to be in such incredible company.  I have also felt immensely comforted in knowing that I am not alone in this journey and that these beautiful women have gone before me and I can see with my own eyes and hear with my ears and heart about how they no longer reside in this dark place where I now find myself...most of them have found joy and happiness again.

What I'm realizing more than I ever knew to be true is that babies are a gift....in any capacity.  Whether they are healthy and running around and driving you crazy, or are just a whispered dream in your heart....they are a gift of hope.  Looking back at the naive girl I used to be- had I been given the choice, I would have probably avoided this harsh initiation into motherhood.  However, standing on this side of the sonogram and diagnosis, I know with absolute certainty that I would NEVER, EVER trade these minutes, days, weeks and months of being Luke's mom. He is my gift of hope....the expanding of my heart- a little bit more every day.  I can truly say I am grateful for this experience and journey with him- it will be forever ours.

I'm also deeply thankful for the beautiful, amazing, strong, encouraging, uplifting, brave, understanding, creative and powerful community of women (moms and non-moms alike) who have surrounded me and shared their stories good and bad with me during this time.  Thank you for sharing, for listening, for crying with me, for loving me, for holding my hand, for letting me fall apart and for letting me run away when its too hard.  I can see your secret angel wings and I'm forever thankful for your strength and beauty.