Looking Forward

by Sarah

Luke will be born in less than 72 hours and while I'm dreading his arrival and subsequent passing, I'm also starting to feel a little bit eager to see my son with my own eyes and not just through my hands against my belly. Because of an immediate emotional tidal wave of sadness, eventual panic and fear of saying goodbye that always follows my thoughts about meeting my son, I really have not felt emotionally ready or prepared or excited about meeting him- until the past few days when I have felt what I can only describe as a huge, seismic shift in my heart.

I have noticed that through a rather sudden, indescribable inner calm that defies my own understanding, I have experienced more peace than panic these past couple of days.  While I still have my moments of frequent breakdowns and there are still tons of tears that fall from my heart and eyes, I am finding it the tiniest bit easier to return to a state of eventual peacefulness- which is a HUGE change for me when compared to the past four months where it has been pretty much panic, anxiety and fear all the time.  I truly believe that the only explanation is because of all of the prayers from everyone and God's faithfulness in giving us what we need to face the challenges of the day.  As these days and now hours continue to escalate in difficulty as we near Luke's birth, I have no doubt that we are being given a greater portion of peace and for that I am BEYOND thankful.  This peace has helped me to actually begin to feel a little bit excited instead of only sad about meeting Luke on Monday morning.

I am looking forward to seeing Joe hold his son for the first time, touching Luke's skin, snuggling his neck, rubbing his back and belly, counting his sweet, tiny toes, holding onto his hands, admiring and kissing his sweet face, holding his head, smelling his skin, feeling how soft and new he is, getting to whisper in his ears how much we love him, feeling his weight and presence outside of my body, touching his sweet cheeks, praying over him, admiring his little knees and elbows and fists, looking at his fingernails, examining all of the sweet wrinkles on his skin, hands and feet, seeing if we notice a resemblance, wrapping him in the special blanket and warm hat we have for him, introducing him to his amazing grandparents, having our picture taken with him, but mainly just holding him close to us for what I know will be an all too brief period of time. Then, when it is all over, I'm looking forward to holding Joe's hand, kissing him and crying together knowing that we gave Luke all the love we could give him....that we had finished well... not just together but as a family.

Like I mentioned, since finding out about Luke's diagnosis, I have never been able to actually think through all of these precious events I do have to look forward to on Monday.  I feel that it is an absolute blessing to be able to see some beauty ahead on that day where before all I have been able to see was tragedy.  So thank you, God for your peace you are raining down on me during these final few days and hours.  And thank you friends and loved ones who are praying for us- I speak honestly when I tell you that your prayers are truly making a difference in how I am finally a little bit able to look forward toward what is ahead.

- And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
                          - Philippians 4:7