For me, Mother's Day always brings with it a wild roller coaster ride of emotions. Always happiness, thankfulness, and joy mixed inextricably with sadness, emptiness and grief. It is complicated, tangled, beautiful and dark. Actually it is like this most days for me if I'm honest. But Mother's Day has a way of just bringing it all to flood stage for me.
I still move through my life with a giant Luke-shaped hole right beside me. Most people with untrained eyes cannot see it, but I cannot not see it. I miss him more than a million tears can express. I think about how he would be getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. I wonder what he would enjoy playing with but most of all think of what it would be like to hear his laugh and jokes mixed in among his sister's and brother's as we eat lunch together every day. I wonder what his hugs would feel like, what his favorite book would be. I long so deeply to be his mother in more tangible ways than in just photos and memories. Being Luke's mom is a gift I was given and one I will gratefully cling to all of my days...even when it breaks my heart again and again.
My sweet Lily brings the sunshine to my life. She always has. Her imagination and constant dialogue never give me a moment's peace, but I miss it (the constant-ness of it) when she is at school or taking a nap. She is a jokester, a reader, a snuggle bug, a master pretender, a player of games and a kind-hearted friend to others. I love being her mother and her laugh brings tears to my eyes with its sheer beauty. It is absolute music to my heart. She loves Jesus and loves learning and it is a gift to be her mom every minute of every day.
This year, I am blessed to celebrate Mother's Day with my newest little love bug: my sweet little Logan. He radiates joy, sweetness, strength, adventure and energy into our days and sometimes I feel like my heart will burst with the goodness of it all. I love listening to him chat while we ride in the car and his love of his sister (and her complete adoration of him) melts my mama heart every time. His toothy grin, belly laugh, speed and unstoppable energy make my heart sing. He is our boy. When I catch him looking at me and grinning, my eyes can fill with tears in the blink of an eye. He is our little miracle-blessing-answer-to-prayer and every day with him reminds me of God's faithfulness and goodness.
I would be remiss without mentioning that part of my motherhood would not be possible without the selfless sacrifice of Logan's birth mother. This year will be her first Mother's Day as a mother and I know all too well the ache of marking this day with empty arms. I know Logan will be on her mind and in her heart and while I do not know if she will be actually celebrating per se, I know I will be celebrating her. My gratitude for what she gave us extends beyond words. She is part of our family, my sister in motherhood and always will be and I am forever grateful.
Mothering. It is the hard, hard work of shaping, nurturing, caring for and bringing life to someone or something-and it seems silly to celebrate it for only one day a year. I do believe that ALL women are mothers in the way they bring life to their plants, pets, children (both their own and other's), their friendships, their home, ideas, dreams, plans, relationships, and words. Mothers are life-givers and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many.
By giving ourselves to the life and well-being of another or to the growth and development of a dream, we learn that when we give our hearts fully to something- whatever it might be- when we love it enough to give everything we have and then set it free - not knowing if it will eventually return to us- we find ourselves richer, changed, better, softer and wiser for the journey. And I am so thankful that I am not alone on this path. I celebrate all of the women in my life today- you are all mothers in some shape or form and I love you for it. Thank you for holding my hand, praying big prayers, dreaming big dreams, wiping my tears, sharing your wisdom, making me laugh, holding me accountable, offering encouragement, hugging me tight and cheering me on- it means more than I can say.
Happy Mother's Day!
