Thank Goodness Hope Floats

Luke's birthday balloons

I love the movie, Hope Floats.  Not only is it both hilarious and heartbreaking, but the movie's message of when you are down, and life has thrown a few big curve balls your way, hope just has a way of eeking its way back into your life and floating its way back up to the top...giving you the courage to believe again that things can be different and that brighter days are ahead....  Well, it's just plain good old encouragement for my often weary soul these days. 

As I mentioned before, 2012 was an immensely difficult year for me.  Not only were we trying to move and waiting for our house to sell and waiting to find our right home, but what I did not really dive into here on the blog was that we were also trying to have another baby at the same time.  And while the house related waiting was difficult, the baby waiting was next to impossible. We watched friends get pregnant with ease and have baby after beautiful baby and we joyfully celebrated along with them.  Like so many in our situation, our tears of joy mixed with tears of disappointment.  We wanted another baby so badly for ourselves, but for whatever reason, it just was not happening for us despite our best efforts.

We were blessed with being able to conceive Luke and Lily without any difficulty and so naturally, we believed that it would just be a matter of planning when it came time for baby #3.  But as we began trying for baby #3, well, things were a bit more challenging for whatever reason.  Not only was it a crazy emotional roller coaster each month with the rising and crashing of hope, but it really rattled my faith.  I mean REALLY rattled it.  I struggled deeply with feeling abandoned by God, forgotten, like I was being punished for something and that I was destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life here on earth.  That probably sounds dramatic, but that is how I felt all of last year.  I know I was depressed and were it not for Lily, I could have easily spent a lot of days in my bed just wanting to hide under the covers until things worked out the way I wanted them to.  Luckily that was not in the cards otherwise I would still be there! 

I know God's word says he has good plans for my life, but I do not understand why God is making my journey into motherhood, so utterly scary and deeply painful...first with losing Luke and now this.  Not to mention, I'm rapidly approaching the end of my 30s which does nothing to quiet by biological clock or my own worries about statistics and difficulties with pregnancies etc. 

So why share all of this now? I don't know.  I just feel like I'm supposed to.  I was asked a question, "Where do I think fruit could develop from my struggle?"  And the only answer I could come up with was here on the blog.  If I wrote about it and said some of these things out loud, maybe there would be other people who would read and who needed to know that they are not alone- and maybe I would find out that I too am not alone.  I know it really helped me to write about Luke here, but I just did not want to have another saga that I had to process here with you all- I wanted to have the happy blog where things are great and rosy instead of writing about infant loss or infertility.  But if I'm being honest, infant loss and now infertility ARE a part of my story along with the happy and joyful moments of our lives with sweet Lily.  So- I am writing again in hopes of clearing these ashes of fear and disappointment away in order to make room for some beauty in 2013.

For whatever reason, I have also been afraid to write about it here, it feels so deeply personal and the word 'infertility' seems so scary and final even though it's not.  Writing about it makes it real.  It puts my truth out there into the world.  We were receiving some initial treatments from my OB over the summer in hopes of them helping, but they did not.  We were referred on to a reproductive specialist back in September, but I just could not make the phone call to set up the appointment.  I so desperately did not want this to be a reality for us.  I think it was fear, lack of peace and feeling overwhelmed by the move (we moved in September) and did I mention fear?-  but I did not set up our appointment until today.  Part of my heart was still hopeful that this next month (whatever month it happened to be) would be different....but one month has led to another to another to another and here we are in 2013 and nothing has changed aside from new bruises to my heart and faith.  Our initial appointment is still several weeks away, but something inside of me feels a little bit stronger having scheduled it.  I feel like I took a proactive step forward instead of being pinned down by the relentless fear called 'what if...?" Where the only scenario played on the loop in my mind is the worst-case one.  So today, I feel happy that I took a step to change that channel.

Another area of strain is our finances.  With the move, we pretty much depleted our savings, so taking on doctor visits and exams and tests while paying out of pocket seems daunting, but with my age, time is of the essence.  We are praying for God's hand over our family both biologically and financially as we enter into this season.  As we work to build our savings back up, I am working on praying from a perspective of abundance instead of scarcity.  I strive to remind myself of all of the ways God has been faithful to us and continues to be and provides for us even in this season of struggle and facing the unknown. 

We have so much to be thankful for and when we stop and look back, there are flashes of moments when we can see God's hand.  We have seen Him using Luke's life in so many beautiful ways, we are positive that this new home is where we are supposed to be as a family- surrounded by these neighbors, our Lilybug is the brightest joy and greatest gift in our lives....  I know I would be lost without her.  We are rich in friendships, blessed with a solid, loving marriage and graced with opportunities to grow....and our list could go on...  I have struggled with keeping my eyes and heart focused on gratitude this past year because I have been struggling so much and seeing only what I was missing, but I also know that seasons like this one I'm neck-deep in, are when I need to practice gratitude the most.  The enemy of my soul is out to take anything and everything he can and while I may be struggling, there is still so much joy to be had and life to be lived.  I'm deeply thankful for that.

Hope can be both your worst enemy and your best friend.  I think one of the things I was telling myself was that if we had not called the doctor yet, there was still a door open for hope and possibility, but by calling the doctor, the process is set in motion for us to receive an answer one way or another- yes, there will be another baby in our family, or no, no more biological babies for us.  Hope will rise or hope will fall and we will soon know one way or another...which is scary.  But whatever the outcome, there is truth in the saying and eventuality:  hope floats.  I'm thankful for that too.
  

Getting ready to send off Luke's balloons

Lord, we pray that you would continue to open our eyes to your hand on our lives and to the ways you are moving in our lives.  We thank you in advance and believe you for your mighty ways and miracles that you have planned for us. We love you and thank you for loving us even when we (myself especially) struggle, fall down and doubt your goodness and your plan.  You are bigger and your ways are higher than ours.  Help me to remember this always...and especially as we wade into these uncertain waters ahead.  Thank you for giving us your courage when we are scared.

                               - Amen

The joy of letting go!  I want some of that!

Three

It is hard not be in awe when standing beneath a blanket of stars on a clear winter's night.  How close they seem yet, still so far away.  Those are some of my favorite nights because I feel like I am allowed to see into heaven just a little bit in the only way God allows my earthly eyes to peek.  Most days, our sky is clouded or shaded by blue, but at night it is as if the curtain of the day is pulled back and heaven is right there for the looking provided we stop and take it in.  

I look for you there, Luke- my sweetest boy.  Over and over and over again.  I wonder what you are doing, who you are with, what you can see and what you know.  I miss you so deeply that at times it feels impossible to breathe.  The tears still fall fresh and my body shakes with the ache of missing you.  I wish you were here napping, making messes, telling me stories, playing with Lily, snuggling with books, sharing meals with us, playing in the playroom and that we were tucking you into a warm bed each night singing you softly to sleep.  

Today we remember your beautiful birthday and your amazing voice and strong spirit that hung on so tight.  Three years ago we whispered our forever love into your tiny ears, and I pray that those words, still being whispered to you from here will echo forever in your heart. 

Heaven.  It's where you are, my sweet little guy.  So very far away from my arms, yet so very close in my heart.  Happy Birthday, Luke.  I love you beyond the stars.

Our 2012 Holiday Greeting

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

 This year we had every intention of getting a fun holiday card out into the mail, but it just did not happen!

 So instead, we are sending a little online holiday love your way.  We hope you understand!

 

I am learning that it is becoming increasingly challenging to capture our little gal with my camera the way I would like! She is super busy and loves to check out everything going on around her....ie she does not like to sit still and pose despite all of mom's best efforts!  We continue to be amazed at the gift of her life and grow in thankfulness for all of our blessings with each passing day.

 She is on the move, has lots of opinions about what she wants and does not want to be doing and did I mention that she is on the move??  She is our biggest helper and brings loads of fun with her everywhere she goes.

Lily is 19 months old now and bursting with loads of sweetness along with little dashes of spice which keep things interesting around our house! 

And we are loving her more every minute!

We pray your homes are warm, happy and filled with laughter this holiday season. 

  May brightness and merriment illuminate the true gift of Christmas in your heart.

With lots of love and holiday cheer from our family to yours. Warm wishes for a Merry Christmas and a joyous 2013! 

Celebrating Luke

Celebrating Luke this year felt both familiar and foreign to me.  My heart was brimming with emotion as I crashed into his birthday.  My days are fuller this year with caring for a very busy little gal and I did not have as much time as I had hoped to just sit, be still, prepare my heart for his birthday and all that comes with remembering and celebrating his little life.  I was not prepared and was overwhelmed with my raw heartache over just simply missing my little guy.  All day long, my heart crashed into my grief in unexpected ways and in little moments...  making breakfast, playing with toys, over laundry, in the shower, while changing diapers, reading storybooks...all day long my tears rolled down my cheeks.  I think Lily could sense that I was not myself because she in turn was not quite herself either.  We were surrounded by loving text messages, emails, phone calls, cards, flowers and genuinely felt the love of so many people holding us close.  It was just a day of beautiful struggle and sadness that Luke was not here to eat his birthday cake, or play with the balloons or open presents or make a mess or make us laugh with his energy and smile.  So much missing, but also so much healing.

Even though I was sad all day long, I was able to recognize deep within my heart that there has also been healing that God has woven into my heart where this scar still feels rather scab-ish.  I did not disappear into my sadness as I have so many other times before.  I was able to speak about my sadness rather than just let my tears communicate the grief.  I was able to smile as I remembered Luke's birthday and I enjoyed our little family celebration we had for him. Most importantly I was able to still be present for Lily and not simply "disappear" on her as I feared I could or would.

We carried on the traditions we began last year...

with some special balloons we let off toward heaven for him...

including a special pink one especially from his little sister...

 

 

 

after we let the balloons go, we had a little family lunch together back at the house before Joe had to return to work...

and while I forgot to take a photo of it, we also made Luke's special birthday cake- Chunky Monkey and had some of that in the evening.  It was a lovely day overall- not just weather wise or celebration wise, but also just the fullness of seeing where we are in our story as compared to where we were two years ago.  God has faithfully brought us through some difficult terrain over the past two years and so much is different in our lives now.  I know that for all of our years to come, Luke's birthday will be a special day for our family, no matter where we are or who is sitting at the table with us.  

This year we were so happy to have a sweet, new little girl dressed in pink helping us love and celebrate her big brother.

Happy Birthday Luke

       

Dearest Luke,

   It is so hard to believe that you would be two years old today.  Even though the days without you seem to creep by, I cannot believe that two years have passed since we held you in our arms and whispered so much love into your tiny ears and heart.  I have been thinking about your birthday for a long time and yet, still today I have been caught by surprise by the rawness of my sadness and grief in missing you.  It feels just as real as if you were here yesterday.  

taking some flowers to her big brother...

You are missed every single day, sweet boy.  I wonder what you would be busy doing and learning if you were here with us today.  Your baby sister is growing big and strong and we continue to tell her about her big brother as the days go by.  This fall we took her to your special spot and were all together as a family for the first time.   We visited you again at Christmastime and want you to know that no matter how many days go by and how far the distance between here and heaven, there will always be a Luke-shaped hole in our lives until we are reunited again.  

My missing you continues to take on new surprising forms...as Lily grows, I am slowly realizing all of the simple joys and firsts I missed getting to have with you.  I know you are in heaven, but I just wish I could hold you for a few more minutes and just whisper again how happy I am that you were here, how much I will always love you and how thankful I will always be that you are my son.  I love you and I miss you.  Always.

All my heart,

Mom

Ashes to Beauty

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of when we buried Luke's ashes.  Laying him to rest was one of the most difficult things I have ever done..to rest his ashes and then eventually walk away from that spot leaving him there.  It remains so tender to me that I have not written about it until today.  

I remember the day was beautiful- lots of amazing clouds overhead, sunshine, a gentle breeze blowing...

We know his sweet spirit lives with Jesus in a place more beautiful than we can begin to imagine, and we wanted to find a resting place here on earth for him that was beautiful as well.  It is a spot that is safe, protected and private but it is far away from where we live most of the time which is often difficult as we are not able to visit him nearly as much as we would like.

 That day we spent some time together preparing his spot, we prayed and we read some scriptures that we love.  We talked to him and we told him over and over again how much we love him.  One of the many verses we read that day together as a family was Isaiah 35....

 ¹ The desert and the parched land will be glad;
   the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, ² it will burst into bloom;
   it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
   the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
   the splendor of our God.

 ³ Strengthen the feeble hands,
   steady the knees that give way;
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts,
   “Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
   he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
   he will come to save you.”

 ⁵ Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
   and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
⁶ Then will the lame leap like a deer,
   and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
   and streams in the desert.
⁷ The burning sand will become a pool,
   the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
   grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

At the time we layed Luke to rest, we were certainly smack in the middle of our desert wilderness in life, but we also knew at that time that Luke's little brother or sister was growing in my belly and that helped our broken hearts keep going.  We believed God's promises, only they just did not feel very real at the time.  However, even then, God -ever faithful- was busily working to fulfill his promise to us found in that very scripture- our desert wilderness was going to bloom again...and that sweet, precious, beautiful bloom we named Lily. 

Luke will always be in our hearts and our minds and a very important part of our family.  We are counting the days with longing as we look forward to visiting him as a family again very soon.   

Compared to where we were one year ago, we are no longer living in a wilderness.  Although our hearts still ache from time to time, we truly feel rescued by God from those dark days.  There are now streams of abundance flowing where there was once parched dry ground.  We have peace in our hearts where worry and fear once ruled and our hearts now sing with joy so much easier than back when only agonizing cries escaped.  

He always keeps his promises.

...and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

- Isaiah 61:3