To the Day- A House Story

a beautiful sign in our not so beautiful yard

Lily and I have walked through almost fifty homes over the past month.  It has been a non-stop, daily adventure for us- and our favorite realtor, of course.  It was exciting to wonder what was behind each door.  A little strange to think that we were walking through the homes of complete strangers, but that is the process, I guess.  We knew our price range, we knew the areas where we wanted to eventually be and we made tracks visiting and touring and driving all over the county.  Some days were fun and exciting, others were difficult, some were depressing, and others were sad.

Here is the story of our journey to today...

A few weeks ago, we found what we thought was "the one."  It had everything we were looking for in a home, just needed some minor touch ups here and there.  The family had already left and had experienced tremendous tragedy, so they were selling it "as-is" in hopes of moving it fast.  It was still in good condition and was an incredible deal.  Apparently we were not the only ones who felt this way about that adorable place- within 48 hours of it being on the market, there were three offers on the table and a little "bidding war" ensued.  We ended up not getting it, and I got my first taste of heartbreak on this buying side of the moving process...the side I thought would be so much easier and a whole lot of  fun.  To be fair, we had prayed and repeatedly asked God to close the door if it was not the right house for us, and well, He did.

After licking my (I say 'my' because I've learned that my beloved Joe so much more pragmatic about this process than I am.  While he certainly experiences the ups and downs of all of this along with me, he does not swing his whole heart into a house before its ours the way that I cannot help but do).  So anyways, after licking my wounds for a couple of days, I set back out onto the trail to try and find our future home.  My heart was not in it- at all.  I could only compare these homes to the one that got away and they were not even close to it.  After a few more days of searching, we reached a point where we had literally seen almost every house on the market that was in the areas we wanted to live and that was in our price range...which was really discouraging.  We were now just waiting for new homes to pop onto the market.

In the meantime, on my realtor's advice, we started visiting ones I had previously said "no" to on paper or after seeing online, with the wisdom being, sometimes you just need to see them in person just to make sure you are not missing out on something great.  I was okay with doing this, but my expectations were low.  We saw several and my initial reactions to them on paper/online was correct.  We then decided to see some that were technically out of our price range just to see if I liked them in case we wanted to wach them and see if they dropped their price.

That is how we arrived at what we will call "the lake house."  It was being sold by its owner and was not technically on a lake, just in a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood that has lots of lakes with walking paths around them. This house and neighborhood were absolutely lovely.  It was a custom home, so the floor plan/layout was entirely unique which made a favorable impression on both of us.  It had been updated and impeccably maintained.  It was tucked back in on a cul-de-sac near excellent schools and we loved it.  However, for whatever reason, I had some weird nagging questions about the pantry (which I could not remember existing at all) and we wanted to measure a couple of other things before putting in our offer.  So we made plans to go back for a third visit last Sunday afternoon and when we made the appointment, we learned that there was another offer on the table for the house, so we knew we would need to move quickly if we wanted to get ours in and have it be competitive.

We told our friends about it and took my parents with us so they could see it and we were SO excited about it.  As we were there for an hour, talking with the owner, measuring particular spaces, learning about the neighbors (one recently had a baby, one was an elementary teacher etc- hello, perfect!) we received a complete peace about the house in our hearts. As we were standing out in the backyard of the house (so we could talk privately about our offer), our realtor came outside with a stunned look on her face.  She informed us that the owner had signed a contract (on the earlier offer) the night before.  She explained that when she tried to clarify what had exactly happened and why the owner had previously stated that there was NOT a contract on the house, the owner expressed confusion about the difference between an "offer" and a "signed contract."  It all seemed a little fishy.  We felt like there had been a complete bait and switch right before our eyes.  We would never have spent the time going down there, the time wandering around measuring, we would not have taken my parents had we known the house was off the market.  We could not believe that she had let us wander around her home, with my parents, with our measuring tape, with all of our questions and enthusiasm for an HOUR before mentioning that the house was already under contract.  I was speechless and heartbroken all over again.  It was a very sad scene and I'm positive the disappointment on our faces and in our deflated hopes was palpable.  Our poor realtor was livid, but maintained absolute professionalism in that most difficult of situations. I have to hand it to both her and Joe who also handled himself extremely well all things considered.  Me?  I was silent and kept my attention focused on Lily so I would not burst into tears right there in the woman's kitchen.  It was a stunner, but again, we had been praying that if it was not the right house, that the Lord would close the door and again, with a surprising twist of events, He did.

Where was our home????  Why was this so difficult???  I had thought this was supposed to be the fun side of things! 

What we were learning in this process was that the quality houses in our price range seemed to have a pool of buyers just waiting for them to pop up onto the market.  It seemed like there were lots of people who were looking for the same things we were in the same areas we were and so we knew, that if we saw something we liked, we had to move quickly and not dally around building dreams and hopes into each potential place.  We had to move forward in faith that God was leading us to where we were supposed to be- He HAD to be- doors continued closing that seemed so unlikely...so we knew He was leading us somewhere...we just had no idea where.

So after a couple of days of being stunned and disappointed on missing out on the dreamy lake house by mere hours, we again began our search.  My hopes were low.  However, just a couple of days later, a listing popped up that was just around the corner from the first house we had made an offer on- so I went to see it the same day it went on the market and then had Joe visit it after work.  It was very similar to the first one in appearance, only it had a different floor plan and had been COMPLETELY redone and updated.  It was beautiful and would obviously sell fast.  It was priced out of our range, so we made an offer at the max of our budget in hopes it would be okay- but we knew it was still considerably under what they were asking (and could probably get).  After making our offer, I started to have a little bit of cold feet about being at the tip top of our budget.  We also found out that in its one day on the market, there had been 8 showings in three hours and they had received 3 offers (one of which was ours).  This was crazy!  We found out later that we did not get that one either, however, I was not heartbroken this time as I had been with the others. I actually felt a bit of relief on that one.  Grateful that again, God had closed the door for us.  The search would continue! *sigh*

Then came yesterday.  Our fearless (and incredible) realtor had sent a rash of new listings over a couple of days which was encouraging to actually see several new homes somewhat in our price range that seemed to hold some promise.  Three of these homes were in a neighborhood that was much farther south and west than we had previously been looking.  Initially we had declined to live that far "out" but we were at the point where we were keeping all options open in hopes of finding the right house.  Maybe God wanted us way out there! Who knows?  So Lily and I did a drive by on the neighborhood one afternoon (and yes, it was really far out there) but it was lovely.  I found myself pleasantly surprised and had a much greater willingness to look at homes there after seeing the area with my own eyes rather than Google earth.  In total there were five houses we were interested in seeing yesterday (which was amazing considering the recent "lack" of viable options out there as of late).  Yesterday morning, we made plans to see a couple of houses that were just south of the neighborhood where we had put offers on the other two, and then three way far out there in the neighborhood Lily and I had driven through.  In my mind, I was more focused on the "way far out there" neighborhood than I was on the two we were going to see in the morning that were actually closer in and more along the corridor where we were hoping to live.  They seemed nice, but I was just more eagerly anticipating seeing the ones way far out (which in itself was surprising to me).

Funny how God works.

We pulled up to the first house which is closer to where we had envisioned living.  While my expectations were not high, they were not low either- I would actually say they were kind of in the middle.  I walked through the door and my breath caught a little bit.  It was BEAUTIFUL.  It was flooded with natural light and its homey feel was EXACTLY what I had been looking for all of these weeks.  While the house has not been completely updated, it is in fantastic condition, has been finished beautifully and possesses a very open and welcoming family feel.  To me it felt like home.  I could immediately see our family living there, our friends spending time there, our family there, overnight guests visiting....I LOVED it. Instantly.  It is move-in ready, yet, still holds many opportunities for us to put our own finishing touches on it and make it our own (which I love).  It does not have some of the things we were hoping for (a finished basement, a flat driveway, a neighborhood pool, cul-de-sac location) but at the same time, it has everything we were hoping for too- tucked away in a neighborhood yet has easy access, a lovely back yard, a great family feel, space for entertaining, space to spread out, space to breathe, lots of natural light....it is a great home.  I was completely shocked by how the online photos did not do the place justice.  It felt so much bigger than it looked in the pictures - big, yet cozy at the same time.  Exactly what we wanted.  (Side note: Lily loved it too.  The owners appeared to have two young daughters, so the house was sprinkled with cute little girly toys and stuffed animals which Lily went BONKERS for...it was very hard to contain her as she tried to play with and touch all of them! It was very cute.  I chose to take that as a confirmation sign from above that this could potentially be our home as Lily felt instantly very comfortable there as well).

Joe went to see it over his lunchbreak and we easily decided to make an offer.  The house had been on the market one day and we had no idea how many other showings had happened and did not want to play around and potentially miss out on this one like we had the other houses we had loved.  We felt confident after seeing so many different homes, that this was the one and that we could be very happy there.  So we signed the paperwork and turned in our offer with lots of prayers whispered up.  After turning our offer in, we received word that ours was the only offer in play so far and that the owners already had a counter offer...we countered with our own counter offer- and literally, just an hour ago, we received word that they had accepted!!!  PRAISE GOD! WE HAVE FOUND OUR HOME AND IT'S UNDER CONTRACT!!! (*Yes, there are still inspections and appraisals that have to happen, but we are THRILLED to finally have a home to "officially" and freely begin dreaming about!  We will post pics at a later date.)

To say we are excited is an understatement.  I already could not sleep last night with all of the excitement in my body and that was before we had a contract! 

The ironic thing about all of this?  Tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of signing the contract selling our little house. All of these ups and downs have happened in the last MONTH!  And tomorrow also marks one year anniversary of when we initially put our house on the market.  It feels like ages ago, but one year ago to the day- this whole journey "officially" began. Progress has been and is being made.  Change is happening.  God is good and faithful.  I'm glad I did not know how long the wait would be or the difficulties I would face when we started out a year ago- but I am SO thankful for his provision as we have crossed this desert all the while moving toward where we are going.  All of this has been for His glory and I am (finally) so excited! 

Thanks for reading this whole thing.  I know it is a really, really long post, but I wanted to document it here and share it with all of you so I could always look back and remember God's faithfulness and leadership as we traveled across this desert in order to finally find our way home.  Praise God!  It has been a (very) long and difficult journey to reach this place.  There has been lots of waiting, lots of faltering and lots of struggle.  I was recently reminded of a beautiful quote about waiting and I wanted to close with it today.  Blessings to all of you, but especially those of you who are in your own season of difficult waiting.  You are not alone and we realize that ours is far from over as we continue to wait for our next family member, but today, I feel encouraged and hopeful- more than I have in the past year.  I pray that our story of God's faithfulness in helping us move forward and out of this particular desert can be of encouragement to your weary heart as well.

“Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us… God does not always rescue us out of painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes… it hurts.”

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge

Starting Over...Again

I feel like I have been going through the motions of living these past couple of weeks. Like I have nothing to offer and just making it through the days has been tough.  We have been really busy and I have been here, doing my regular thing, seeing my regular people, but have not really been here if you know what I mean. 

Life has been a rush of inspections, appraisals, bids for repairs, plumbers, house hunting, sickness, ear infections, toddlerhood, disappointments, waiting and wallowing.  I have been trying my best to hold it all together, but I have really struggled.  If I'm going to be honest, I have failed.

I have cried more in the past three weeks than I have in a long time.  I'm sure to God, I appear like a toddler myself who pouts, weeps, throws tantrums and sulks.  It was pretty eye opening when I made the connection.  Lily is genuinely meeting obstacles and trying to learn and develop coping skills that she literally does not possess yet.  She is amazing as she works through these developmental milestones right in front of my eyes with no bigger picture perspective...just continued effort in spite of setbacks.  Some days are better than others for sure, and when you add in some sickness, that just makes everything harder- especially for her.  But she pushes through.  I greatly admire that about her.

Me on the other hand, I have perspective.  I know there is a bigger picture.  I know I am not in control, and yet when I have met disappointment or setbacks in recent weeks, I have crumbled.  I have bottomed out and have turned inward and away...angry, sad and frustrated.  Writing nothing, sharing nothing of my heart.  Last night as I lay awake in the middle of the night, I was able to pray in a way that I have not been able to for a long time. And finally a little bit of peace and relief filled my heart.

I have so many questions about my life these days.  Big Questions.  Questions that cannot be answered by me or by anyone whose voice I can audibly hear by calling on the phone.  Questions about homes, babies, dreams, timing, future happiness, callings....   I have cried out to God only in anger a LOT lately, not surrender, not with reverence, certainly not in humility.  I have thrown my tantrums.  I have not wanted to surrender to Him because despite all of His promises in the Bible, part of me is deeply afraid that I won't like what he has ahead for me.  What is wrong with me???  Thankfully, he has given me a wide space to just be.  To be who I am and where I am with Him.  He has been quiet and has let me kick and stomp and weep.  I have no question He is working, I can feel the refining fires burning hot.  I feel ready to surrender...scared out of my socks...but also ready for things to be different and I know that can ONLY happen if I let it go, ask forgiveness and surrender anew. 

 So today, I'm starting over...again.  Surrendering and choosing joy.  Choosing the gifts of this day in these moments I have been given with people I have been given to share them with. 

Thank you, God.  And thank goodness for second chances...(and third and fourth and fifth....)

pride, humility, our home and my ebenezer - part 6 - The Conclusion

At last we arrive at the part where I finally get to tell you about my ebenezer.  If you look up the word, it means, "stone of help."  I'm not a fan of that particular definition per se because it harkens my thoughts to crystals and mystic-nature-y worship of stones etc.  That is NOT what I'm talking about here.  I am getting my reference to ebenezer from 1 Samuel 7: 12, which still references a "stone of help," but I love how it is explained also as a way to remember how so far, on the journey, the Lord has helped us.

¹² Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer,^[a]saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”  

                                                               - 1 Samuel 7:12.

  Back when I was pregnant with Luke, I participated in Beth Moore's Believing God bible study at my church.  And it rocked.my.spiritual.world.  I learned the difference between just believing in God and believing God.  In the study, her teaching focused a lot on God's leading of his people to their much talked about promised land.  She spoke of how when the Bible was written, there was a literal piece of land that was the Israelite's promised land.  However, for us today, the spiritual seed of Abraham, we have our own spiritual promised lands that God is leading us to over the course of our life.  She spoke about how in different seasons of life, we may have different promised lands, but with absolute certainty, we all have them and to arrive in them requires submission, obedience, prayer and willingness to God and HIS plans and timing for our lives.  (Please check out her study and listen to her teaching on this topic.  I promise I am no where CLOSE to doing it justice with my brief summary here.  It is incredible and filled with so many lessons I continue to re-listen to and re-learn to this very day).

Anyways, in one part of the study, she taught from Joshua about the Israelite's crossing of the Jordan river (Joshua chapters 3-4). In this story, the Israelites were, crossing the Jordan at flood stage and God had parted the waters for them to pass through on dry ground.  A miracle that only he could accomplish.  With the waters raging on either side of them, God told his people to cross over and for specific people to take up a stone from the middle of the river that they would use to build a memorial altar to God on the other side.  Their own ebenezers if you will.

The 'middle' is a dangerous place to pause while on a difficult journey, because you are neither close to where you started or close to where you are going- you are right in between.  A lot of crisis can happen in the middle of things...and isn't it interesting that God chose the middle of the Jordan as the place he wanted them to pick up stones- I like to think it is because he wanted to remind them in a place of potential crisis, that He was still with them, helping them, and wanted to remind them that they were going to live to tell the story about their journey someday.  It is like God wanted them to really sear their memory of this particular challenging moment in their journey by taking up a stone from the middle.

God wanted these stones to be used as a prompting to remind them to tell their children about how God showed up BIG and delivered them safely to their promised land against all odds.  Beth taught that God is still in the business of delivering his people to their promised lands.  We just have to yield to His voice speaking in our hearts.  In my experience, it is not only sometimes difficult to hear his voice, for he often speaks in a whisper, but often times, the reality of capturing our promised lands feels impossible because we have to wage battles against doubt, fear, opposition from ourselves and others as well as lies the Enemy whispers that cut us to the quick all along the way. This "impossible" view of our promised land is exactly how Satan wants us to see them- seemingly impossible to possess.

However, God's word tells a different story.  His word is filled with stories of people trusting Him, yielding to him and surrendering to His will and in exchange for their faithfulness and obedience against all odds, their God sized dreams became real.  To God be the glory....not man.  For God, nothing is impossible.

So returning back to my story here, (thank you for still reading it by the way! I know it is crazy long!) One day a few months ago,  Lily and I were on a walk through the neighborhood of beautiful mansions I mentioned way back at the beginning of this series.   Along one of our favorite walking routes, I noticed that one of my favorite homes we regularly pass was getting ready to go on the market..it had the familiar "Coming Soon" sign in the yard.  Feeling neck deep in our own home-selling saga, I secretly wondered how long it would take for these people to sell their beautiful home.  Not more than one week after it finally went on the market, a "SOLD" sign went up in the yard and I could literally feel my sinful, prideful, human heart sink when I saw the sign as we approached.  While I could feel glad for the people inside that they were not having to struggle the way we were, it was simply another confirmation that homes were selling and people were moving on with their lives, just not us.

Fast forward a few weeks later, while passing again by the very same house, I noticed a sign in the yard that said they were having a moving sale that day.  I felt a little nudge in my heart to stop in, and to look for a "memorial stone" of my own to commemorate this difficult season of waiting.  I felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me that I would recognize my "ebenezer stone" when I saw it.  It seemed fitting to get it at a moving sale from a home we had watched be bought and sold within a matter of a few days...our own still-unrealized dream for our little place...so much the same, yet so very different from our own story.

Lily and I headed in, and not only were the people who owned the home lovely (as I imagined they would be), but so was the home (they actually had part of the sale inside their house! Wow!).  I wandered around looking at all of their beautiful things (but sadly, pretty pricy for your typical yard sale) and kept my eyes open for what I was supposed to be looking for, confident that I would know it when I saw it...and I did.  There tucked toward the back of a large table in the corner was my "stone."  It was little, shiny, simple, pretty and I loved it.

I was excited to discover it, happy that I had obeyed the nudge from God to go in and find something to commemorate this journey of refinement and total dependency upon Him.  I brought it home and filled it with water and put some flowers in it and said to myself, "Thus far, the Lord has helped us."   It now sits on the little table in the front room at the end of my couch.  I pass by it probably a hundred times a day and each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's faithfulness to not only the Israelites all of those centuries ago, but also in my life like this summer when forward progress has seemed near impossible.

He is the same God as he was back then.  He is the same God on days we have two showings as he is on days when we have none.  He is a loving God and he is faithful.  That is where we are today.  I purchased this little ebenezer about eight weeks ago now and it still reminds me of His faithfulness and that is what I'm choosing to focus my heart on these days as we wait with wonder and expectancy.  His faithfulness...through the generations, through the years, through the months and in each one of these days.  My heart is open and my soul is watching.  He is faithful.  He is faithful.  He is faithful. Praise Him, he is faithful.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; 

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

-Psalm 100:5

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer - Part 5

Our beloved little house has been on the market now for more than a few months and I have the heavy, discouraged heart to prove it.  These past few months have been extremely difficult for me, despite the smile I may give when asked about it.  I have felt discouraged, sad, depressed, hopeful, energized and defeated over and over, day after day throughout this journey.  I have struggled with how to pray about it as I feel all prayed out on this topic, yet I know that is the only thing I can proactively do and I know that at times, my prayers on this topic have been less than compelling or surrender-y.  Much to my difficulty, this process has been one giant lesson in humility and servanthood as I continue to clean, wait and practice good stewardship of this home we have been blessed to call our home.  (* I realize that these lessons are not "bad" lessons per se- but they have just felt less than great to me....*)
 
The number of hours I have spent trying to figure out what we are doing "wrong" is straight up embarrassing.  I know we are not being punished.  Refined, sifted, strengthened, remade- yes, but punished, no.  I know that God has HIS timing for all of this.  He has HIS purposes for this season.  He is working all of this for HIS good and HIS glory.  He waits patiently for me to surrender, bow low and bring him glory through this.  He is worthy, no question.  However, there are just days when it feels easier for my heart to acknowledge that than others.  I hate admitting that, but it is true.  I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum sometimes- just sitting down on this path and beating my fists into the dirt with tears running down my cheeks in anger and frustration.   He is patient with me.  He is kind to me.  I must fully surrender to him and to acknowledge He is Lord in this -all the time...not just when I'm feeling good, things are going my way or when I'm feeling especially humble or weak.  I know and believe He holds so much richness for me in this season, yet I am struggling with a stubbornness born of unbelief and revealing lack of trust which is preventing me from experiencing it.  And I hate it.  My faith tank feels empty and is in desperate need of refilling.

The question that keeps coming up for me is, do I believe God is good and working events in my life for good even when things are not going my way yet again?  My answer is of course, yes.  I do.  I just have to keep reminding myself because it is so much easier to be depressed, negative, cynical, complain, be frustrated, disappointed, wallow, cry, indulge in self-pity and turn inward offering superficial "fines" to those who ask.   I am seeing a lot of selfishness bubbling up to the surface in my life and it is far from the woman I know God desires me to be.  I have a long history of examples in my life of things not going my way or the way I had hoped.  However, along with that long list of examples, I also have a parallel list where God has stepped up and revealed His faithfulness and majesty in ways that have far surpassed my wildest imaginings.  

I am a girl in desperate need of remembering God's faithfulness to me through the years, over the mountains we have climbed together and down the paths through refining fires where he has led me.  I am on one of those paths here in this season.  I have been in denial, not wanting to face the refinement that God holds for me in this season.  I have been trying to hide my heart here because my ugly pride is being revealed in a real and pubic way through the non-sale of our home.  Such a simple, normal experience for many, yet for me it has been a HUGE stumbling block.  One God is gently letting me know He wants/needs to deal with- I must submit to his creative mending ways.  He wants to hold me close, reshape and tenderly remake me- reminding me who He is in my life...my creator, the giver of all good things.  


God is the one who provided me with this lovely home so many years ago.  His provision, His gifting, His lovingness toward me in a season when I deeply needed it.  In my examination of my heart here in this season, I can see how in a way, I was secretly hoping to be able to brag about and maybe even (horrifyingly) taken credit for the quick sale of our home. (...It was my decor, paint selections, how clean it is that sold the buyers etc).  I was trying to take credit for what would truly be God's work and I am so ashamed to confess this.  It is the ugly truth I have been hiding in my heart and how I came to recognize that this whole process has turned into an idol in my heart.  Until now, it has been all about me, not about Thee.  He is faithful- always has been.  I'm sad to say, I have fallen far short on returning the affection.

What I can tell you with certainty is that God is in control here.  Not me.  His ways are at play,  not mine.  His timing.  Not mine.  He is the same God on days where we have multiple showings as he is on days when we have none.  I know that seeking Him and Him ONLY is where I need to train my focus.  I do not know why God has held us here for as long as he has, but I know He does.


  ...to be continued....

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer -part 4

Winter came and went with its weeks rolling into months.  Spring arrived and we were back on the market at the beginning of April 2012.  My spirits were high, and my hopes even higher.  I was more ready than ever for people to come and see our place and to get moving into our new home- wherever that might be.  I felt confident that perhaps now was the right time- springtime in the Midwest is beautiful and typically the best time to buy and sell homes.  Like I said, I was ready, only this time, I was reluctant to ask God if HE was ready for us to move.  I prayed, but to be honest, they were half-hearted and guarded prayers when it came to the subject of selling our house.

I increasingly found myself surrounded by well meaning friends who each had a story of someone they knew selling their home within days of it being on the market.  In a secret part of my heart, I so desperately wanted to have that kind of story to tell- a God story.  A miracle story of how everything just fell into place and worked out, or a bidding war transpiring, or somehow in this dismal housing market, we managed to make money on our house.  I wanted to be able to speak of our experience to others with a wisdom of experience, easily sharing kind compliments given our home by all of the potential buyers who raced in upon noticing it was for sale.  I wanted to just not have to worry.  I wanted to have the confidence that God was in this with us... Aside from some kind compliments from former potential buyers, I have experienced none of the above.
 
There is no question in my heart that God has been using this experience of trying to sell our home teach me humility.  It is now nearing the middle of July, and while we have had lots of traffic in, no one has fallen in love with our little place.  All of the feedback has been positive about the house itself and its appearance, but there is always just one little thing (basement, school nearby etc) that brings people to their decision to continue looking elsewhere.  And every time that feedback has come in, it has broken my heart a little bit and in a small way, my spirit too.  Trying to keep a house semi-picked up, ready for a possible showing at a moment's notice with a one year old naturally bent on mess-making in the house is exhausting...both physically and emotionally. 


Waiting for a phone call that someone wants to see our house and trying to keep the place semi-ready has slowly become my day's work-  and each day that passes without movement toward our goal of moving causes me to feel more and more discouraged, purposeless and frustrated.... 

...to be continued....

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer- Part 3

our tree...the branch that was on the ground was 40-50 feet long and almost fifteen feet high!

About eight days after putting our house on the market last summer, a big storm (a literal microburst) hit our neighborhood.  We had extensive tree damage which in turn damaged the electrical tower on the side of our house, which ripped out the gutters as it fell down.  Lots of damage, but not to the actual structure of the home, thank heavens!  We were so thankful for our safety, but very discouraged as we had to remove our house from the market for the six weeks that it took for all of the repairs, appraisals, bids, inspections etc. to all happen.  We learned a lot about home repair during those weeks, but my heart was so discouraged as we just sat, stagnant in the moving process yet again.  I could not help but recall my almost flippant prayer prayed mere weeks before asking God to make it clear if we were not supposed to have our house on the market right now....and boy, did I feel like he had answered.  I was extremely discouraged, cranky and impatient as we waited for all of the repairs to be completed.  I could not understand why God seemed to be causing/allowing this process to be so difficult for us-myself in particular.  I am blessed to be married to a very patient and faithful man who has the biggest go-with-the-flow laid back personality I have ever encountered.  The man rarely gets ruffled.  It is a great counter balance to my own nature which is to worry, dwell, order things, plan, control, strive, structure, and prepare...usually in my own strength as I'm learning...(which is an entirely different post for another day!) But you get the idea.  I was dying a slow death emotionally, mentally and spiritually living in limbo like that.  Waiting, unsure of what was ahead, unclear about where we were moving and just stuck waiting on God's timing. I felt completely unsettled and unhappy- And that was almost a year ago now!)

Despite the perceived "no" from God about our timing for having our house on the market, we were under a contract with our realtor, so repairs were completed, and inspections passed bringing us back onto the market in early October just short of two months after the storm - not really the prime season for buying and selling homes in the midwest (think Spring).  (Especially ones with yards sizzled to a crisp after a long, hot, dry mid-western summer and fall!)  In mid-November, we took it off the market for the winter and holidays.  I did not want to try and keep our place looking staged and immaculate over the busy holiday season.  We were still not moving.  I had packed away most of our Christmas decorations thinking that we would easily be in our new place by Christmas- only here we were, still in our little place.  I was disappointed, and honestly a little bit depressed but still determined to try and make the best of it- especially since it was going to be Lily's first Christmas with us.

I immediately felt better when we took our place off the market that November. Especially in the sense that I felt we could finally start living our lives again.  Not having to keep things ultra tidy around the house, not straying too far away from home on the off chance that someone would want to come by and see the house at a moment's notice.  It was freeing to let go of the hope and expectation for things to change.  To not have that disappointment/struggle immediately on my mind all. the.time.  I realized that it was only for the season, but I was enjoying the reprieve.  Looking back on that time, I can clearly see that my relief was so acute because I think I had convinced myself that we had not sold our place because it was not the right the time of year for our house to be on the market...if we just held on for spring, things would move much quicker. I was in control again...my plans. My timing. My strength.   I was so focused on myself, my thoughts, my perceptions, my struggles, that my heart had turned this whole home selling/moving process into no less than idol.  Only I did not realize I had long strayed into this dangerous territory yet....

....to be continued...

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer- Part 2

  

* I started a post that turned into a really long one, so I've broken it up into little segments.  You can read Part 1 here.

A couple of months after Joe lost his job, we discovered we were pregnant with Lily which brought with it a brand new and very different rush of emotion. Joe was still not working, and we knew we were not going to be moving at least until he was established in a new working role.  So we settled in and did our best to savor the season of Lily's pregnancy...fears and all. Eventually as the months went by, we realized that she would be coming home to this house.  I went into nesting mode (big time!) and we delighted in decorating and preparing her room for her.  We cleared out quite a bit of our own personal stuff in order to make room for all of the new baby-focused items that seem to take up an amazing amount of space!  We settled in and prepared to bring a baby into this little house of ours....but all the while, my heart still yearned to move to more of a "family" home....where we could actually be settled long term.


Lily arrived in May of 2011 and I found myself loving having this little nest to snuggle her into. We spent many days cozied inside while the sun blazed outside last summer.  I loved the quiet and the peacefulness of this home and found myself thanking God again, for his provision of this place to call home in our lives.  Joe had taken a job in the November before Lily was born after six months of looking, and then was blessed with an offer for an even better job in March 2011, just weeks before Lily was born. So flash forward a few months, Lily had arrived safe and sound, and Joe was getting established in his new job, when the moving bug officially bit us again and we decided were ready to try again (baby and all) to move - again.  We began looking at homes and preparing our own to put on the market.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  I had zero reservations or concerns and felt that finally, after a year and a half of waiting, it was time to get going already!  I felt peaceful about it in my spirit and asked God to make it clear if this was not his will for us right now. 

I knew we had to be ready to go because it was going to sell quick.  Not many 65 year old homes are in as good of condition in our area, nor have too many littler homes been redone or updated they way ours has. I was positive that it was going to sell quickly.  And yet, again, I was very wrong...I had many long days of waiting ahead of me, only I did not know it yet....

           ...to be continued.....

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer - Part I

*I've been a big old funk lately...and have decided to try and work it out through words.  It has not been a pretty process -more of a humbling one.  My journey toward understanding this season turns out to be quite a long one, so I will be breaking it down into a few posts over the next couple of weeks.

Less than a mile's walk from our front door finds you winding down streets filled with some of the most beautiful homes and mansions in this city.  These homes could easily be called estates.  Each one is completely unique, their landscaping probably cost more than my entire house, and there are many different architectural styles represented.  Within this neighborhood's hills are tucked lush, sprawling golf courses, green parks, ponds and parkways.  It is beautiful and I love to go for walks there with Lily imagining as I pass who lives in each home, admiring from afar the beauty of each home and wondering about the stories lived within their walls.

Putting our house on the market has heightened my awareness and my sensitivity to all things real estate.  I have long poured over shelter magazines dreaming of our future place, imagined our life within our future walls and tried to calculate when and how we are going to finally get "there" where ever our "there" might be.  I have been monitoring house prices in our area, studying online websites for possible future neighborhoods and watching with an aching heart as so many homes nearby have sold while ours simply hasn't.

Ours is a starter house and we are trying to sell to a very specific type of buyer due to the size and amenities (one bath, no basement etc) of our little place. It was perfect for me when I lived there as a single gal, cozy when Joe and I married and he moved in, and pretty much cramped now that Lily has arrived.  It's small, but it is lovely too.  I bought it when I was single and have loved it for over eight years now.  I walked in the door and knew in an instant that this was my house.  I just figured that when the right time came for us to move, someone else would do the same.  While people have come to see our place, along with the positive comments, there have been people who do not want to live near an elementary school, who want a dining room, who want a basement, who want our neighbor's deck to be maintained a little bit better...on and on the list goes of things we cannot change.  The right buyer has simply not come through the doors yet.  So we wait...and I dream of what could be ahead.  So close, yet so far away.

To the untrained eye, our house has only been on the market for a couple of months.  However, my dreams did not begin simply when our house went onto the market.  You see, two years ago, (a few months after Luke was born), was the first time we decided to move.  We thought it would be easier to move then, when it was just us, before more kids came along to "complicate" the moving process.  It was exciting, it was fun and it brought so much hope to my grieving heart...the imagining of a new beginning for our family.  So we began packing away some of our things for storage until we moved so as to help our little place appear more spacious and roomy. 

But then, the company where Joe was working lost a major funding source causing wide spread layoffs.  Joe lost his job and we found ourselves so thankful that we had not moved or made an offer on a different house yet.  It was easy to see God's hand of protection over us in that situation.  It was swift, clear and immediate.  We still had our home and the ability to pay our bills and meet our needs...God's provision was good.  Through the loss of Joe's job, God gave us a clear message of "stop" in the moving process. My head knew this was a good thing, but my heart was still very ready to move forward.  I was just going to have to wait.  I just had no idea how long my wait would be.

                  ...to be continued...

My Teacup of Tears

It is the eve of Lily's first birthday and I am having a self-imposed night alone.  Just me and God.  I was feeling very weepy and sad and asked my (unbelievably kind and patient) husband for a night at home alone,  which he willingly gave me.  So I fixed a nice dinner for myself, poured some wine, lit a candle and sat in the quiet of our house while Lily peacefully slept the evening away in her room.

Today was one of those days where NOTHING went right- or at least, the way I wanted it to go.  I was ready to cry at 8:10am and had not even gotten dressed for the day yet!  I will spare you the rehashing of my day's events because I think if I really sat down and listed them out, I would cry for the benign-ness (ie. pathetic!) of them all and I don't want to give them any more power over my heart than they have already captured today.  So why does my heart falter so easily some days over the smallest things and why is it so difficult to pull myself back onto the right track once I've gotten off?  Oh, how I wish I had those answers!  The only answer I know to be true is that a good cry and some deep prayer always seem to wash the decks of my life clean and offer a new perspective on the horizon ahead.

To be honest, I have been struggling for the past month for a variety of reasons, but I guess today was the day I emotionally went over the edge so to speak.  Do you ever have one of those days where you just know you need a good cry to cleanse your system so you can start fresh again- but you don't have time for it so the emotional pressure just continues to build and build? Boy, I do and today was that day for me.  It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, look out! As a contemplative and introverted person, it is especially difficult if I don't have the space or time to process what I'm feeling and being a wife and mother only compound the difficulty of finding time to myself.  When I feel things building up in my spirit, when I don't make time to process them/cry/write, then they just feel like they get "stuffed" down and of course continue to build.  All to say, it's not pretty when a day like today rolls around.

I don't know why or where it came from, but the image I always get in my head of days like today is a teacup full of tears.  As tough days, events, comments, encounters, failures, no time alone, challenges, moments, and emotions come and go, I find myself crying a few tears here and there but then am usually able shake it off and move forward without issue.  In my "teacup scenario," those are the tears that are gradually filling up my proverbial teacup.  Then, when crazy days like today come along where it feels like life is conspiring against me in every way (in my head of course!), there are just too many tears falling on top of the "already collected" tears in the "teacup" (my memory) and it just spills over inducing a rehash/re-experiencing of all of the tear-inducing moments collected therein + some!  Does that make ANY sense at all? I don't know why I get sad about the same stuff over and over again, but from time to time, I just do.  It seems like when I have days like today, everything I've ever been sad about in the past bubbles up making me even sadder and the difficult day (like today) even more of an emotional challenge than it already is all on its own!  I just walk around feeling fragile.

Today was all of that, yet also different.  Lily was there, being her cute, sweet, feisty self.  I wanted her to take a really long nap so I could just have a good cry, but she didn't.  I knew that it would be selfish of me to just emotionally check out, be secretly weepy and not truly present with her in order to just survive the day until I could hopefully get some time alone...but I did not want to do that to her- especially on Lily's last day before turning one!  So when she woke up from her nap, after some deep breaths, I decided we would head to a local petting zoo for some fun in the sunshine.  It turned out this was the best decision of my entire day.

Despite the fact that I (of course) forgot/couldn't find the hand sanitizing wipes for little hands that like to pet baby goats and then put them into her own sweet little mouth, I found my spirit lifting with her joy of being around the animals and being outside together.  I loved every stinky, sweaty, life-giving minute of it.  My heart was still heavy, but made lighter by her little smile, her little teeth, her voice talking to the animals, her little reaching hands, her little sun hat and her little grip on my shoulder as we stood watching and talking together in the warm sunshine.

I was reminded in a very tangible fashion by the Binder of broken hearts, that a big chunk of my heart now resides outside of my body and inside of a little girl who melts me with her joy for life.  Watching her enjoy her afternoon outside with me, I was reminded that I was given that same fundamental joy in my heart and spirit too-  and that it was still there, I just needed to dig a little deeper for it today.  Lily reminded me today of the beauty and joy found in life's simple pleasures,  joy in fun, joy in nature, joy in connection, joy in purposeful time spent together, joy in love and joy in intentional living.  Holding my daughter in the bright afternoon sunshine, I realized with fresh eyes that my cup truly does runneth over....even on bad days.  My heart swelled with gratitude and swung back toward wholeness this afternoon and I thank God for my daughter who reminded me that I have already been given a full and joyful life- I have only to see with the eyes of my heart, not my head.  I also thank my beloved hubby for loving me so much that he gave up his own evening at home so I could process, write and pray through all of this and truly put it behind me (at least for now! ha!). 

There are tears in my eyes as I type this, but rest assured, they are tears of joy and gratitude.  My "teacup" is empty but my cup runneths over.  I am so thankful.

---------------
Some of my One Thousand Gifts...
257.  when time with Lily alters my mood in a really great, unexpected way
258.  baby goats and the joy they bring my little gal
259.  little hands reaching
260.  nonstop chatter from the backseat
261.  a husband who is happy to see me even when i'm cranky
262.  a husband who gives me time and space when i need it most
263.  a dinner alone with God
264.  wind in her hair
265. tentative yet persistent steps
266.  her love of un-velcroing her own shoes

Today

Well, today was one of those days.  You know the ones...where you wake up and you are in a cranky mood for absolutely no reason at all and the day just rolls on from there.  I woke up tired, Lily did not want to eat her bottle(s), naps were kind of a wrestle (which until recently has been rare), I had zero motivation for my to-do list, I had to haggle with KCPL (our local power company) over a charge on my bill that has been in dispute for over a month now, the car had to go into the shop necessitating carpooling Joe to and from work, the sink had dirty dishes in it (and the sink needed to be scrubbed), it was bath night (not necessarily a negative thing, but today felt like just one.more.thing.I.have.to.do), the afternoon "nap" lasted 25 minutes, my lips were chapped, I could not find a pen that worked, we were almost out of diapers and formula (ie requiring an emergency trip to SAMS..ugh), I was not exited about my lunch, things fell out of the closet and the cabinet when I opened them today, the desk in our office was crowded and cluttered preventing anything productive from happening there, my pants are too short, I seemed to hit every stop light no matter when or where I was driving, I was scratched three different times by Lily's fingernails which I had neglected to file yesterday, my sense of purpose seemed nonexistent,  our mail arrived early which meant my outgoing mail did not make it out, I felt like I had zero energy and my head was just drowning in negative thoughts all day both about myself and others and the world in general.  Yes, it was one of those days. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

I know I'm not alone when days like these rear their ugly head.  We all go under water from time to time thanks to those days that push us to our limits.  When days like today appear, I personally just want to crawl back into my bed and wait for tomorrow to start so I can begin anew....if only it were that easy.  In my recent learnings about gratitude, it is when days like this come along that we are supposed to say 'thank you' the loudest. I hate to admit it, but I stunk at this today.

I say that I really want to anchor my life in gratitude, but what I realized today was that gratitude is an easy practice when things are running smoothly or feel normal- even good.  But the reality of finding things to be thankful for when tears of frustration are brimming over something benign and you have already reached your maximum capacity for the day and it is only 10:30am...that is when my rose colored glasses of gratitude living tend to break.

However, today I really wanted to be different.  I could cognitively recognize where I was in my day and I wanted the practice of gratitude in the midst of my ugliness to change my heart and perspective. Much easier said than done.  I think that is why we have to practice gratitude.  (Because on days like today it is not easy!)  In the end, I was able to find some gifts from the day amidst all of my challenges...but it was tough and honestly it wasn't until I looked back over my hard-fought-for list that I realized that today might not have been as bad as I thought.  Hmmm....  So anyway, here's to a brighter tomorrow!  I hope yours is a great one!

_______________________
discovering that a particular cry from the crib in the wee hours did not mean pain
joyful early morning jabbering from Lily's room
smiles from Lily
a long morning nap
little snuggles here and there throughout the day
fresh baked muffins for breakfast
ice cold water in my cup
learning that the problem with the car was minor and fixed at no charge
getting to see Joe in the middle of the day
resolution to an ongoing problem
healthy food in our fridge
a healthy, happy baby
little fingernails that grow because she is healthy
a keen little mind that observes every little detail around her
fluffy pink coats to keep her warm
gas in our vehicles

the love and affection between a little girl and her lovie (baa baa)
pushing through and making a yummy dinner at home when really wanted take out
birthday flowers all around the house
cirrus clouds at sunset
a mess all over the front room because she can crawl and loves to play and move around
dishes in the sink from meals fed
a birthday gift delivered
a surprise scrubbed sink
an empty bottle at bedtime
quiet time to blog

A Celebration Dance!

Boy, it has been a rough couple of weeks around here.  I have known since before Lily was born, that I wanted to nurse her for six months (or at least try to) and then begin to wean her to bottles and solids.  As a planner-type person, that sounded great in theory- until it came time to actually accomplish it!

There are many lessons I learned the hard way through this process, but that is another post for another day.  When Lily was first born, six months sounded like forever away.  As her six month birthday rapidly approached,  I was completely caught off guard by the roller coaster of emotions that took over my heart.  I literally had what I call "Father of the Bride moments" where I could see Lily's life flashing before my eyes...junior high, high school, college, marriage...so many good byes before me and suddenly our time together felt so short and so precious! I am serious when I say I was an emotional wreck and have been a literal puddle of tears for nearly two weeks as I began preparing myself for saying goodbye to those sweet snuggles and quiet moments spent with my Lilygirl.  I'm not sure why the huge surge of emotions as I prepared to begin weaning, but it just hit me that all of the sudden that Lily was growing so big and time was passing so quickly...just as everyone said it would.

Nursing Lily has been one of my all time favorite experiences- ever.  I love those sweet, quiet moments together and have treasured all of them- even the ones in the middle of the night!  So when it actually came time to saying goodbye to that season in our lives, I suddenly didn't know if I could do it.

You may not know this, but Miss Lily has a stubborn streak.  She is the sweetest little gal, but when you try to feed her a bottle, she will LET. YOU. KNOW. that that is simply unacceptable.  She has never been a bottle gal, or even a binky gal...and the reality of this was driven home to me as we tried to introduce bottles over the past week and a half.  There were many, MANY tears (by both her and myself), many phone calls to the doctor's office, many hours of feeling hopeless, many emails sent to friends and many prayers whispered.  I was so worried she was going to starve or lose weight and not grow and stop developing.  I'm serious.  I was losing sleep.  So I read everything I could find on the topic, and I tried everything! I tried several different products, techniques, locations and for a few days it seemed like we were even going backwards!  But then, little by little she started to eat a tiny bit more, and struggle a little bit less.  And then then a little bit more...day by day and finally....just today...we went all day without any tears and with many ounces of formula consumed!

Needless to say, it was a HUGE victory and Lily and I were so excited that we busted out the tutu for the big celebration dance party that we held in the living room!  (And as you can see, all celebratory dances are better in tutus!)

In my hours and days of worry, anxiety and more worry, I spoke with many other mothers and friends and received a lot of great advice, wisdom, support and encouragement. I was reminded again that I have AWESOME friends in my life and am so blessed to be surrounded by so many incredible women.  My friend, April told me that although I was ending one chapter with Lily, by doing so, I was also allowing so many other new and amazing ones to open and begin.  I loved those words and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  It made my heart excited for all that is ahead instead of already missing what is behind.

I know there will be so many more challenges ahead in this journey of motherhood and what I have learned through this one is that I'm not alone, there is so much more good stuff ahead and that with God, all things are possible!

Lily now drinks from a bottle with enthusiasm and I couldn't help but wipe a couple of tears and celebrate that HUGE accomplishment with her today.  To God be the glory!