Claiming January

In my past- like it is for so many, January has always been my month of renewal.  New goals, renewed interest in organization and clarity, a fresh outlook and perspective on life for the fresh, untouched, unstained new year.  My birthday is in January, so always before, I have used that date as my personal 'new year' for all of my reflecting and dreaming for the year that is passing and the year that is dawning.  This January I found was different for me.  As it approached, I felt that my 'new year' was going to begin on January 5th- the day after Luke's birthday. For me, that day felt like a new beginning.  In my mind, that would be the day where I would hopefully start feeling like I had my life back a little bit- as far as not marking major milestones in our journey of grief, better able to make plans for our future, freedom to dream and hope again, open to being emotionally available for new growth, as well as letting myself savor and enjoy these final few weeks and months at home with Joe just the two of us, all while looking ahead and trying to prepare and anticipate as much as one can, for the radical life changes that are ahead for us when our little lady arrives in early May.

Those were my plans and ideas of what January was going to be like, and as usual, God had a few additional and different ideas for how I would be spending these past 33 days.

The day before Luke's birthday, my family lost one of its most defining members:  my dear Uncle Ed who passed away at the age of 93.  He had fallen over Christmas and his health was rapidly declining, so we knew it was coming, but you are just never ready to officially say good bye.  In a familiar parallel, his passing and subsequent remembrance services fell on the exact anniversary (day-wise, not date wise) of Luke's the previous year.  So in addition to our emotional heavy-ness with Luke's birthday and how best to remember and celebrate him, there was a flurry of family flying into town, lots of meals to help prepare and logistics to arrange.  Uncle Ed was a man beloved by many and will be truly missed by all of us who had the joy of knowing him.

In the middle of the month, Joe and I began to finally think through all we need to do in order to prepare for our baby's arrival in a few short months. We had not allowed ourselves to think or prepare or make plans for her until we had been reassured by several doctors and sonograms that everything is looking great and that she indeed will be coming home to live with us after she is born. So after receiving the great news around Christmastime, we finally started making our lists, meeting with our financial planners, insurance people, moving furniture, decluttering our entire home to make room.  (*side note-We have removed almost 1/2 of our furniture from our house to make room for her!  We will be doing a blog post later on all we are doing, but it has been a major undertaking! Next up is the painting, priming, designing etc of her nursery (as well as a few other rooms in our house!))

I traveled to sunny San Diego, California for a week toward the end of the month to attend a conference for work.  It was beautiful to be outside in the sunshine and to have some time to just be still and quiet too.  I had a hotel room to myself and part of me could not help but wonder when the next time I would have that luxury again over the course of the next several years of my life.  I tried to savor and enjoy every minute of it that I could.

It was while I was in California that I learned that my sweet grandmother had passed away.  Her health also began to steeply decline recently, so it was not a surprise, but still difficult as she was my last surviving grandparent.  She lived to be 92 and we celebrated her life last Saturday with a beautiful, small family service and dinner.  She would have loved her service as it was truly lovely.  She will be missed as well.

Between all of the losses, the family gatherings, the travels, the home re-no/chaos on top of all of the "normal life" work and responsibilities, it has been a blur of a month.  Part of me wanted to move my emotional 'new start' day to February 1 in order to be able to feel more fully present in my "beginning," but a quiet part of my heart reminded me, that it is amidst this real life living that if we allow ourselves to be, we can be renewed right where we are, right in the middle of everything that is going on.  We are not always given the gift of fresh starts and blank schedules in order for "newness" to feel "new" or  settle into our hearts.  Sometimes renewal is the product of refining and refining often does not feel restful or restorative.  Starting fresh is a choice we are given daily, we have only to choose how we perceive our circumstances and surroundings.   So feeling a bit emotionally breathless and worn out, that is what I decided to do.  I chose to claim January for what it was- a very difficult and busy month; one full of lessons, moments, good byes, endings, beginnings, hugs, tears and hopefully a little progress.  Being able to reflect upon it with the perspective of it not just as a month of refining but also renewal feels like a gift in itself.

I'm looking forward to all that is ahead in this awakening of a new year and new chapter in my life....bring on February!