I feel like I have been going through the motions of living these past couple of weeks. Like I have nothing to offer and just making it through the days has been tough. We have been really busy and I have been here, doing my regular thing, seeing my regular people, but have not really been here if you know what I mean.
Life has been a rush of inspections, appraisals, bids for repairs, plumbers, house hunting, sickness, ear infections, toddlerhood, disappointments, waiting and wallowing. I have been trying my best to hold it all together, but I have really struggled. If I'm going to be honest, I have failed.
I have cried more in the past three weeks than I have in a long time. I'm sure to God, I appear like a toddler myself who pouts, weeps, throws tantrums and sulks. It was pretty eye opening when I made the connection. Lily is genuinely meeting obstacles and trying to learn and develop coping skills that she literally does not possess yet. She is amazing as she works through these developmental milestones right in front of my eyes with no bigger picture perspective...just continued effort in spite of setbacks. Some days are better than others for sure, and when you add in some sickness, that just makes everything harder- especially for her. But she pushes through. I greatly admire that about her.
Me on the other hand, I have perspective. I know there is a bigger picture. I know I am not in control, and yet when I have met disappointment or setbacks in recent weeks, I have crumbled. I have bottomed out and have turned inward and away...angry, sad and frustrated. Writing nothing, sharing nothing of my heart. Last night as I lay awake in the middle of the night, I was able to pray in a way that I have not been able to for a long time. And finally a little bit of peace and relief filled my heart.
I have so many questions about my life these days. Big Questions. Questions that cannot be answered by me or by anyone whose voice I can audibly hear by calling on the phone. Questions about homes, babies, dreams, timing, future happiness, callings.... I have cried out to God only in anger a LOT lately, not surrender, not with reverence, certainly not in humility. I have thrown my tantrums. I have not wanted to surrender to Him because despite all of His promises in the Bible, part of me is deeply afraid that I won't like what he has ahead for me. What is wrong with me??? Thankfully, he has given me a wide space to just be. To be who I am and where I am with Him. He has been quiet and has let me kick and stomp and weep. I have no question He is working, I can feel the refining fires burning hot. I feel ready to surrender...scared out of my socks...but also ready for things to be different and I know that can ONLY happen if I let it go, ask forgiveness and surrender anew.
So today, I'm starting over...again. Surrendering and choosing joy. Choosing the gifts of this day in these moments I have been given with people I have been given to share them with.
Thank you, God. And thank goodness for second chances...(and third and fourth and fifth....)
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ReplyDeleteBeth said...
ReplyDeleteThank you for your openness and honesty on this blog. I am glad to read it all. I am surprised that even though our lives are a great deal different that the feelings surrounding and intertwined within are very very similar. I too am afraid of the changes He has in store for me. That they won't be what I want or need but something entirely different that I will have to adjust and adapt too. The uncertainty is what is the hardest part. That allinclusive leap of faith. :p I could sometimes do without so many leaps myself. I know that is how he works with me and so I will keep on leaping, scared to death of what comes next. Thanks again for sharing. Good luck with the new house.
Blessings to you all,
Beth
Oh, my dear friend Sarah. I could have written this line... "I have bottomed out and have turned inward and away...angry, sad and frustrated. Writing nothing, sharing nothing of my heart." Thank you for putting that into words. Thank you for showing me that I am not the only one who feels this way sometimes, a lot of times.
ReplyDeleteI have camped out on this verse the last few days. It seems like it's popping up everywhere lately:
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Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will TAKE JOY in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places.
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I miss you.
so...the other day I was having a hard day...was feeling like a failure because some days I feel like I am "just making it through the day". I talked to shelley about it that night and told her this...and she said--no! making it through the day is a Victory! especially in this season of life! (and the dog days of summer--as I told you about the other morning when we walked into church)--she said it's a victory because some people do not make it through the day in one piece! so now I am grateful when I make it through the day--that my children are resting peacefully, full and loved~and even if my house is in shambles, dishes need to be done and I haven't showered--I walk in victory because baby we made it! and the next day is usually better! much love to you and yours! we are making it! Thanks be to God!
ReplyDelete~april