Sweeping the Dirt Away...

Sweet Lily loves to clean- to get this photo, I surprised her in the act while we were in the mountains...

Today we took down our Christmas decorations- well, most of them anyway.  We dusted, swept, vacuumed, rearranged, and re-decorated for another season.  As I took down Santas, candles, greenery, Christmas trees and ornaments, I was struck by how much dust and dirt "pretty things" can hide.  It got me thinking of how people are similar...how we may look pretty and semi-together on the outside when really, just behind the surface and sparkle, we are all in need of a good cleaning that brings forth transformation and a fresh, clean start.  The best way to get rid of both our literal and figurative dirt is to actually notice it, acknowledge it, and do something about it. 

That is what this post is about.  My New Years Cleaning.  I'm sweeping the dirt from 2012 out the door and scrubbing my heart clean with the help of Jesus in effort to welcome 2013 into a life with a transformed perspective.

Typically, I love looking back at the end of a year in reflection on all of the accomplishments and joys I've been blessed to experience.  I enjoy ordering my memories and thoughts about the previous twelve months in my mind and heart allowing myself to close the door on them so I can fully swing open wide the door for the new year with great hopeful anticipation for all that is ahead. But this year has been different.

 In this season of my life, I find myself not having too much time to sit and ponder things the way I typically enjoy and I'm sad that this new year has snuck up on me without the "proper" time to reflect.  Here I sit not feeling ready to begin a new year, and yet, here I am somehow already in it.  Yet, part of me also wonders if I have somehow allowed myself to be "snuck up" upon because I simply don't want to face or reflect upon the ugliness and difficulty of this past year.  I don't know, its honestly, probably a little bit of both.

I admit, I'm happy to have 2012 behind me.  I started with a lot of hope, but as the days, weeks and months passed, I pretty much felt as if I was hanging on for dear life.  Not to be overly dramatic, but aside from our first year of marriage when I was pregnant with Luke, 2012 was my most difficult and personally disappointing year to date.  Challenges, doubts, struggles, tears, worries, fears, disappointments, toddlerhood, frustrations, setbacks, insecurities, mistakes, unpacked boxes, messes, tiredness, shaken faith, unread books, failures, and unmet expectations were wildly mixed in with joys, laughter, giggles, fun, our lovely new home, answered prayers, muscles, my beautiful little gal, my beloved hubby, vacations and lots of good old fashioned healing love.  It's why my blog has been both quiet and all over the place this past year...I have been too.   I fear I have lost a bit of myself amidst the struggles of this past year.

I feel like I have shaken and shifted and adjusted and morphed and fashioned myself into whatever/whoever was needed around here to make things run smoothly- and had absolutely nothing in the tank left to offer anyone else- especially myself or God.  I forced myself forward more times than I want to admit and I was anything but intentional where being our family manager is concerned. I consider it a failure on my part in my most primary of roles.  Yes, we all survived, but I was hanging on by mere threads for most of the time-think lots of wings, prayers, might and good intentions.  Budgets were busted, meals were not planned, bills were late, errands forgotten, laundry remained unfolded, lists not made, relationships dropped, housework undone...care not taken.  (See what I mean about lots of personal, ugly year-end dirt to acknowledge?)  

Last year, my faith trembled and I lost sight of not only who I am and who I want to be-but most importantly the woman God created and is calling me to become.  I know that sometimes comes with the territory of being a wife and a mother, but a big part of my heart knows that it does not always have to be this way and that I was (we all were) created for so much more than these empty feelings of constant defeat, doubt and failure.  I know this, but I have not been living as if I believe it...and well, there is a BIG difference. 

Forever feels like an appropriate word to describe how long it has been since I have felt inspired and energized by something -anything- outside of my day to day responsibilities.  I desperately want that to be different this next year.  I want to be sitting here at my little computer next January first in amazement and wonder at the difference I feel in my spirit and heart about my life and level of energized inspiration compared with how I am feeling today.  Truthfully, there is nowhere to go but up.

I have so much to learn and so much wisdom from women around me to pull from that I am finding myself excited about the possibilities for personal and spiritual growth this next year.  I have before me (by the sheer grace of God) another blank slate of a year.  I do not know the number of my days, but I do know that I have been given this one and God willing, another tomorrow to continue to try and grow and change.  If this past year is any indication at all, I know I have got to fully surrender and confess that I cannot do this on my own strength, but fully rely on the One who sets captives free. (Isa 61)  Only He can change me, I surely cannot.

Today I am driving a stake in the ground right here.  Right now.  No more backsliding.  No more scrambling.  No more half-way, or making due, and no more good enough.  No, this next year is about being brave.  It's about unearthing my heart from the ashes and clearing the way for beauty.  This next year is about finding my sparkle again.  It is about pursuing and choosing joy.  It is about passion.  It is all about being courageous and intentional. I want this for myself...I want it for my daughter.

2013 is about cracking open my heart toward joy and life again instead of wallowing in bitterness and regret.  It is about accepting and living in the freedom I have already been given from all of this bondage.  It is all about walking by faith and not by sight. (2 Cor 5:7)  It's going to be about changing perspective and re-training my heart to move toward beauty and gratitude in whatever shape they may take- even when times are difficult...actually, especially when times are difficult.  The pressure applied by God as he refines and makes me into the woman He desires me to be is the only way my soul can be cleaned, healed and my true sparkle returned.  Thank you, Jesus that you never give up on me.  Here is to a bright, shiny, clean and sparkly New Year!