Tears, Scripts and Being Normal

by Sarah

It is difficult- these days of my life. I am overflowing with thoughts to be captured, yet when I sit down to write, all that comes out are tears- no words. I find that the tears are barely harbored just below the surface and all it takes is a whisper of a thought, a lyric of a song, a glimpse of a baby, a kind hug, eye contact from a friend who is walking alongside of me during this season, a sweet card in my mailbox...and I'm done.  The tears spill out over the brim of my eyes and they are hard to stop once they get going.  If I am alone, its a relief to release the floodgates and let the tears pour out...exhausting, but a relief just the same.  However, if I am in public or with someone, inevitably the person I'm with begins crying too or there is an apology offered for "making me cry."  I try and explain (through my tears) that this place of sadness and crying is where I live now and where I have been living for the past four months....that they didn't make me cry...I am pretty much crying all the time- especially lately...

I'm positive that I've gotten some second looks as I walk through Target with tears on my cheeks, or as I sit sobbing at a stoplight or in a restaurant, but what I've learned these past few months is that crying in public does not kill you.  It may kill your "impression" you make on strangers, and it may kill your make up application, but really, who cares? I'm learning that there are so many more important things in life than worrying about if your waitress feels uncomfortable offering to refill your water glass as you wipe away some honest tears.

A lot of my time is spent among people who know what is going on with Luke- coworkers, friends, family, church community...and that is a relief to me- to not have to explain what is happening over and over again.  I've been asked numerous times what I say or how I respond when people ask me about the baby and while at first it was difficult to find the words, I've since gotten a pretty good handle on it- at least most of the time.

I typically have two versions of what I say- the first is for people in my life who I will see again and who will notice if I do not have a baby with me, and the second is for folks whom I will never see again or who happened to catch me at a time when I'm not feeling particularly brave.  It typically goes something like this:

Scenario 1
Person I know: OHHHHH! You're pregnant! Congratulations! When is your baby due?  Do you all know what you're having? I'm so happy for you!!! (typically asked in rapid-fire mode)

Me: Yes...we are expecting a baby boy in January and his name is Luke, but there are some pretty serious complications with his health and he is not expected to survive after being born...(que tears, look of horror, shock, panic on their face) but we are keeping him with us as long as we can and trying to savor every day that he's with us...

Person I know: Oh God! I'm so sorry....(usually there is an awkward silence...they typically look away or begin tearing up)...

---then depending on how well I know them, people sometimes ask about what the complications are and how we are doing with the news and it opens up a genuine heartfelt discussion which typically involves tears from both parties and a great conversation.  If I don't really know the person all that well, the conversation pretty much stops at that point because it is just such a difficult revelation to process (I know because I've tried to process it!) People just simply do not know what to say or how to respond because they feel horrible about bringing it up in the first place (which talking about pregnancy is pretty reflexive...at least among women) and their version of the happy pregnancy paradigm has been shattered. 

In my experience, people have later told me that they felt so badly for asking me or for bringing it up at all or for not knowing what to say in response!  And I understand all of that.  I truly do.  The main thing I try and share with people is that it's important for people to know and understand what is going on with Luke because not only does it honor his life but it also honors our time with him.   It also clarifies the future expectation that I will not have a baby to talk about or pictures to share....and I would MUCH rather people know up front than ask me on the other end of the journey....

These conversations are hard, but I'm becoming braver in them.  I'm learning that it is always best to be upfront and honest about what is going on with Luke because you just never know who you are talking with or what their experiences have been.  I am growing to deeply admire people who are not afraid to talk with me about what is going on- as long as they do it in a respectful way (I've had a few very hurtful and difficult run-ins, but thankfully those have been rare).  I have also encouraged those around me to share the news as well if they are asked- not to be gossipy, but more to help me manage the burden of delivering and explaining  this heartbreaking news....and simply because some days I just do not have it in me to share.

The second scenario is the easy one- the one where I'm just the "normal pregnant girl" who is talking about her baby:

Stranger: OH!! You're pregnant! How far along are you? When are you due? Boy or Girl? Can I touch your belly?  Are you excited? Do you have a name? Is this your first? (again with the rapid-fire questions)

Me: (smiling) Yes- We are expecting a baby boy in January....his name is Luke...we are excited and feel very blessed....(and that is typically all I say/allow for in those interactions)

The end.  Blissfully simple. Easy. Normal.

It is so nice in those moments to dip my toe into normal again...there is still a tug on my heart and a deep ache within when this conversation is taking place, but unless they can read minds or notice there is not a sparkle in my eye as I say it, they do not have any idea of my reality and its refreshing to blend in a little bit and feel normal again- if even for a brief moment.