31 Days

 A sundog I saw mid-August...so beautiful...

To say it has been a difficult month for me would be an understatement.  I feel like my emotions have been giant waves that roll upon the shore and then recede only to crash down again knocking me over in the process.  August is a month of many milestones for me in my life story, some not so great ones from my dating story with Joe, others (some really good and some really hard) from my story with Luke...but mainly it has been especially hard for me this year because last August was the last time I truly remember feeling happy... and marking that kind of milestone is just not fun to do. 

I have taken somewhat of a break from the blog this month in effort to try and be present in what I'm experiencing.  To mark these days, to be still and remember our past and also to work on dreaming for our future.  I wanted to take some time to re-think priorities, re-imagine my perfect days, to wade into the waters of a big hobby I've always dreamed of taking up.  I have wanted to spend some time with Joe and my friends, but mostly I have needed to get back into the habit of spending time with God.  I have needed to be still, to be listening, to be abiding.  And even though I know I've needed to do these things, my efforts have fallen somewhat flat.

I have somehow felt swept up into the routine of the daily.  Get up, get ready, go to work, work, come home, fix dinner, clean up, watch a movie, go to sleep.  Sure there are days that look different, and there are certainly people around me helping get things accomplished, but I have just been feeling that sometime in the past 31 days I have allowed myself to move from a perspective of presence and intentionality to one of reaction and self comfort- and I'm ready to take back some lost ground.  I have felt stuck emotionally and personally- like to the outside eye, things appear as if they are getting better, only I know that the inside of me is still really sad, eager for things to look different, but fully realizing that they just don't...yet.  And that is hard to accept most days.  I feel stalled, I feel stuck and I am just waiting.  So for me, it is about figuring out how to wait well right now... making the most of these days I have been given.  Taking good care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  I am praying for fresh eyes to see the ways God is moving in my life and in the world around me... to open my heart to the abundance that is around me but struggle to connect with.

So, as I step into September and welcome my favorite season, I am challenging myself with '31 Days of Purpose'.  Over the next month, I will be spending time nurturing my spirit by doing things that are not only important but essential.  I'm going to work hard on letting go of the desire for perfection (i.e. I can't sit down to read my book because the laundry is not done-folded-put away, or my house has not been scrubbed or I have not run x errand yet... you get the idea).  I'm going to just spend some time re-ordering my life, my home, my time and my priorities.  I am going to be intentional about blocking my schedule for exercise and try and cook some nutritious meals for Joe and myself.  I have many healthy "habits" that I feel I have allowed to fall by the wayside in recent weeks.  I have replaced the important with the urgent and I want to change that about myself in the way I have been living.  I honestly think this will be hard for me to do, but I am just going to lean into this whisper that has been in my heart for awhile now.  I'm really looking forward to these next 31 days and the challenges and beauty they may hold...

Before I move on to September, I do want to say farewell to August.  I have never been a big fan of this month so because of that, I feel like it lasts forever!  But that being said, here are a few highlights from the past 31 days... I have shared many delicious meals with several dear friends, I have attended a concert with my parents and hubby, I have started an exciting new hobby that I've been secretly longing to do for years, I attended two trainings on leadership, I have been inspired, I have been extremely emotional, I have marked the anniversary of our baptism as a family and of receiving Luke's tragic diagnosis, I have had several meaningful conversations, I have shared some of our lessons learned with Luke with another dear couple going through something very similar, I have hosted a couple of dinner parties and provided a meal for a family with a new baby, I have worked on reconciling a strained relationship, I have felt surprised, I have been reminded that I am richly blessed, I have watched a lot of movies, I have laughed and I have cried- a lot.  I have counted down the days until September and I am ready for the feeling of a fresh start that a new month brings with it.  Here is to the next 31 days and all the joy, tears, challenges, and adventure they hold within them...