My Teacup of Tears

It is the eve of Lily's first birthday and I am having a self-imposed night alone.  Just me and God.  I was feeling very weepy and sad and asked my (unbelievably kind and patient) husband for a night at home alone,  which he willingly gave me.  So I fixed a nice dinner for myself, poured some wine, lit a candle and sat in the quiet of our house while Lily peacefully slept the evening away in her room.

Today was one of those days where NOTHING went right- or at least, the way I wanted it to go.  I was ready to cry at 8:10am and had not even gotten dressed for the day yet!  I will spare you the rehashing of my day's events because I think if I really sat down and listed them out, I would cry for the benign-ness (ie. pathetic!) of them all and I don't want to give them any more power over my heart than they have already captured today.  So why does my heart falter so easily some days over the smallest things and why is it so difficult to pull myself back onto the right track once I've gotten off?  Oh, how I wish I had those answers!  The only answer I know to be true is that a good cry and some deep prayer always seem to wash the decks of my life clean and offer a new perspective on the horizon ahead.

To be honest, I have been struggling for the past month for a variety of reasons, but I guess today was the day I emotionally went over the edge so to speak.  Do you ever have one of those days where you just know you need a good cry to cleanse your system so you can start fresh again- but you don't have time for it so the emotional pressure just continues to build and build? Boy, I do and today was that day for me.  It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, look out! As a contemplative and introverted person, it is especially difficult if I don't have the space or time to process what I'm feeling and being a wife and mother only compound the difficulty of finding time to myself.  When I feel things building up in my spirit, when I don't make time to process them/cry/write, then they just feel like they get "stuffed" down and of course continue to build.  All to say, it's not pretty when a day like today rolls around.

I don't know why or where it came from, but the image I always get in my head of days like today is a teacup full of tears.  As tough days, events, comments, encounters, failures, no time alone, challenges, moments, and emotions come and go, I find myself crying a few tears here and there but then am usually able shake it off and move forward without issue.  In my "teacup scenario," those are the tears that are gradually filling up my proverbial teacup.  Then, when crazy days like today come along where it feels like life is conspiring against me in every way (in my head of course!), there are just too many tears falling on top of the "already collected" tears in the "teacup" (my memory) and it just spills over inducing a rehash/re-experiencing of all of the tear-inducing moments collected therein + some!  Does that make ANY sense at all? I don't know why I get sad about the same stuff over and over again, but from time to time, I just do.  It seems like when I have days like today, everything I've ever been sad about in the past bubbles up making me even sadder and the difficult day (like today) even more of an emotional challenge than it already is all on its own!  I just walk around feeling fragile.

Today was all of that, yet also different.  Lily was there, being her cute, sweet, feisty self.  I wanted her to take a really long nap so I could just have a good cry, but she didn't.  I knew that it would be selfish of me to just emotionally check out, be secretly weepy and not truly present with her in order to just survive the day until I could hopefully get some time alone...but I did not want to do that to her- especially on Lily's last day before turning one!  So when she woke up from her nap, after some deep breaths, I decided we would head to a local petting zoo for some fun in the sunshine.  It turned out this was the best decision of my entire day.

Despite the fact that I (of course) forgot/couldn't find the hand sanitizing wipes for little hands that like to pet baby goats and then put them into her own sweet little mouth, I found my spirit lifting with her joy of being around the animals and being outside together.  I loved every stinky, sweaty, life-giving minute of it.  My heart was still heavy, but made lighter by her little smile, her little teeth, her voice talking to the animals, her little reaching hands, her little sun hat and her little grip on my shoulder as we stood watching and talking together in the warm sunshine.

I was reminded in a very tangible fashion by the Binder of broken hearts, that a big chunk of my heart now resides outside of my body and inside of a little girl who melts me with her joy for life.  Watching her enjoy her afternoon outside with me, I was reminded that I was given that same fundamental joy in my heart and spirit too-  and that it was still there, I just needed to dig a little deeper for it today.  Lily reminded me today of the beauty and joy found in life's simple pleasures,  joy in fun, joy in nature, joy in connection, joy in purposeful time spent together, joy in love and joy in intentional living.  Holding my daughter in the bright afternoon sunshine, I realized with fresh eyes that my cup truly does runneth over....even on bad days.  My heart swelled with gratitude and swung back toward wholeness this afternoon and I thank God for my daughter who reminded me that I have already been given a full and joyful life- I have only to see with the eyes of my heart, not my head.  I also thank my beloved hubby for loving me so much that he gave up his own evening at home so I could process, write and pray through all of this and truly put it behind me (at least for now! ha!). 

There are tears in my eyes as I type this, but rest assured, they are tears of joy and gratitude.  My "teacup" is empty but my cup runneths over.  I am so thankful.

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Some of my One Thousand Gifts...
257.  when time with Lily alters my mood in a really great, unexpected way
258.  baby goats and the joy they bring my little gal
259.  little hands reaching
260.  nonstop chatter from the backseat
261.  a husband who is happy to see me even when i'm cranky
262.  a husband who gives me time and space when i need it most
263.  a dinner alone with God
264.  wind in her hair
265. tentative yet persistent steps
266.  her love of un-velcroing her own shoes