Our beloved little house has been on the market now for more than a few months and I have the heavy, discouraged heart to prove it. These past few months have been extremely difficult for me, despite the smile I may give when asked about it. I have felt discouraged, sad, depressed, hopeful, energized and defeated over and over, day after day throughout this journey. I have struggled with how to pray about it as I feel all prayed out on this topic, yet I know that is the only thing I can proactively do and I know that at times, my prayers on this topic have been less than compelling or surrender-y. Much to my difficulty, this process has been one giant lesson in humility and servanthood as I continue to clean, wait and practice good stewardship of this home we have been blessed to call our home. (* I realize that these lessons are not "bad" lessons per se- but they have just felt less than great to me....*)
The number of hours I have spent trying to figure out what we are doing "wrong" is straight up embarrassing. I know we are not being punished. Refined, sifted, strengthened, remade- yes, but punished, no. I know that God has HIS timing for all of this. He has HIS purposes for this season. He is working all of this for HIS good and HIS glory. He waits patiently for me to surrender, bow low and bring him glory through this. He is worthy, no question. However, there are just days when it feels easier for my heart to acknowledge that than others. I hate admitting that, but it is true. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum sometimes- just sitting down on this path and beating my fists into the dirt with tears running down my cheeks in anger and frustration. He is patient with me. He is kind to me. I must fully surrender to him and to acknowledge He is Lord in this -all the time...not just when I'm feeling good, things are going my way or when I'm feeling especially humble or weak. I know and believe He holds so much richness for me in this season, yet I am struggling with a stubbornness born of unbelief and revealing lack of trust which is preventing me from experiencing it. And I hate it. My faith tank feels empty and is in desperate need of refilling.
The question that keeps coming up for me is, do I believe God is good and working events in my life for good even when things are not going my way yet again? My answer is of course, yes. I do. I just have to keep reminding myself because it is so much easier to be depressed, negative, cynical, complain, be frustrated, disappointed, wallow, cry, indulge in self-pity and turn inward offering superficial "fines" to those who ask. I am seeing a lot of selfishness bubbling up to the surface in my life and it is far from the woman I know God desires me to be. I have a long history of examples in my life of things not going my way or the way I had hoped. However, along with that long list of examples, I also have a parallel list where God has stepped up and revealed His faithfulness and majesty in ways that have far surpassed my wildest imaginings.
I am a girl in desperate need of remembering God's faithfulness to me through the years, over the mountains we have climbed together and down the paths through refining fires where he has led me. I am on one of those paths here in this season. I have been in denial, not wanting to face the refinement that God holds for me in this season. I have been trying to hide my heart here because my ugly pride is being revealed in a real and pubic way through the non-sale of our home. Such a simple, normal experience for many, yet for me it has been a HUGE stumbling block. One God is gently letting me know He wants/needs to deal with- I must submit to his creative mending ways. He wants to hold me close, reshape and tenderly remake me- reminding me who He is in my life...my creator, the giver of all good things.
God is the one who provided me with this lovely home so many years ago. His provision, His gifting, His lovingness toward me in a season when I deeply needed it. In my examination of my heart here in this season, I can see how in a way, I was secretly hoping to be able to brag about and maybe even (horrifyingly) taken credit for the quick sale of our home. (...It was my decor, paint selections, how clean it is that sold the buyers etc). I was trying to take credit for what would truly be God's work and I am so ashamed to confess this. It is the ugly truth I have been hiding in my heart and how I came to recognize that this whole process has turned into an idol in my heart. Until now, it has been all about me, not about Thee. He is faithful- always has been. I'm sad to say, I have fallen far short on returning the affection.
What I can tell you with certainty is that God is in control here. Not me. His ways are at play, not mine. His timing. Not mine. He is the same God on days where we have multiple showings as he is on days when we have none. I know that seeking Him and Him ONLY is where I need to train my focus. I do not know why God has held us here for as long as he has, but I know He does.
...to be continued....
I want to thank you for your beautiful honesty. This series of posts has blessed me far more than I can express. You have articulated many of my own feelings...about other aspects of life...without even realizing it. Waiting on God...or rather, SURRENDERING to Him...is so hard...and yet, it is all we can do...and all He wants from us. But what I think is important is that you ARE surrendering by calling it out and bringing it into the light...that takes courage...and is really inspiring...and empowering to me...so I can do the same. Love you, precious friend. Thank you.
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