I knew this day would eventually arrive, but I somehow still was not ready for it. Today would have been Luke's first day of kindergarten. My heart didn't know what to expect and I certainly did not know how to "plan" for today other than to stay off Facebook in hopes of not being constantly bombarded by everyones fun "first day photos." I hoped for busy kids who would offer me some "alone time" to just be quiet and "busy" around the house.
I was sad we didn't get to take any cute first day photos of Luke by the front door, we did not get to meet his teacher, we did not get to fill his backpack with school supplies, I didn't get to see and meet other first day of kindergarten moms and I won't get to race to see him after school to hear all about his day. Starting school is a tremendous milestone in the life of a little one, and it is just one more that we will never get to celebrate with our Luke.
I was sad we didn't get to take any cute first day photos of Luke by the front door, we did not get to meet his teacher, we did not get to fill his backpack with school supplies, I didn't get to see and meet other first day of kindergarten moms and I won't get to race to see him after school to hear all about his day. Starting school is a tremendous milestone in the life of a little one, and it is just one more that we will never get to celebrate with our Luke.
But instead of being able to wallow and let myself just be sad, we have had a nightmare of a day over here. It has been a day of tantrums, time outs, lots of tears, no naps, messes, and just general ugly (mom included). I have no idea what is going on here today, but it has not been good. On a day when I just personally needed things to be "easy" it has been one of my most challenging on record (and lets just say I have fallen far short of winning any mothering awards today).
What days like today remind me of is that life keeps moving forward whether we want it to or not... And that is a really great thing. Days dreaded and thought long in the future will eventually come to pass and days long hoped for will too. Kids will be a handful because that is just what they do and how God made them to be, and I am thankful that mine are absolute handfuls today. (A little bit thankful anyway. Knowing the alternative makes me see this day through tremendously thankful eyes).
Each day we are presented with choices- joy or sorrow? Abundance or loss? Beauty or ugly? Light or darkness? Gratitude or disappointment? We choose which lens we will use to filter our days through and how we want to impact those around us- for the better as a gift, or for the worse as a wound.
My grief will always be my companion in ways that most will never understand. But despite its constant-ness, I will continue to make every effort to choose joy, beauty, abundance, life, and gratitude. I want my life to influence for the good. I am learning how to be kind to myself. Sounds crazy but it's true. Practicing self kindness on really hard days (and good days too) means allowing some wiggle room for mistakes to be made and tears to fall. And who knows, with a little more practice, hopeful, positive personal growth may occur and some of those hard earned tears may eventually be tears of joy!
Gratitude today:
coffee in my mug from my hubby this morning
laundry put away
gates on doors
long, hot walks outside that calm the soul and pass some time
podcasts
double strollers
ear buds
La Croix
nap time
The healing power of Trader Joe's Lemonade - yum!
August is almost half over
What days like today remind me of is that life keeps moving forward whether we want it to or not... And that is a really great thing. Days dreaded and thought long in the future will eventually come to pass and days long hoped for will too. Kids will be a handful because that is just what they do and how God made them to be, and I am thankful that mine are absolute handfuls today. (A little bit thankful anyway. Knowing the alternative makes me see this day through tremendously thankful eyes).
Each day we are presented with choices- joy or sorrow? Abundance or loss? Beauty or ugly? Light or darkness? Gratitude or disappointment? We choose which lens we will use to filter our days through and how we want to impact those around us- for the better as a gift, or for the worse as a wound.
My grief will always be my companion in ways that most will never understand. But despite its constant-ness, I will continue to make every effort to choose joy, beauty, abundance, life, and gratitude. I want my life to influence for the good. I am learning how to be kind to myself. Sounds crazy but it's true. Practicing self kindness on really hard days (and good days too) means allowing some wiggle room for mistakes to be made and tears to fall. And who knows, with a little more practice, hopeful, positive personal growth may occur and some of those hard earned tears may eventually be tears of joy!
Gratitude today:
coffee in my mug from my hubby this morning
laundry put away
gates on doors
long, hot walks outside that calm the soul and pass some time
podcasts
double strollers
ear buds
La Croix
nap time
The healing power of Trader Joe's Lemonade - yum!
August is almost half over
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