Six Months

 
My Sweet Boy,

Your birthday letter has been so hard for me to write this month. I have so much I want to say to you, but no words to express myself.  It has been six incredibly long months since I got to hold you and kiss your sweet face and hands. The tears have been falling so much and my missing of you has been heavy on my heart these past several weeks. I have every photo of you memorized and burned into my mind. Today is the fourth of July and I remember thinking that there was no way we would ever make it to this day. That it was simply impossible and that it felt like forever away...but here we are.  You would be six months old today.  I remember a year ago today we started calling our family members and joyfully telling them about you growing in my belly. One year ago today we were so filled with hope and excitement for everything that was ahead for our family...in our eyes, our dreams were coming true.... only God knew the heartache that was ahead for us....  He knew that just around the corner were some horrible and sad life events that were far beyond anything we could imagine....he knew that was our only Fourth of July with you and I'm so thankful that my memories of that day with you are so special.  One year ago today, you were with us and we were so happy.   So much can change in a year.  In a month. In a week.  In a day.  In an hour.  In a single minute.  We know that now.  

Day by day we continue forward with you forever in our hearts and minds. We still talk about you every single day and not a minute goes by where my mind does not wander to your face or your impact on my life.  We continue to hold our love for you close and are working to try and keep our hope in God's hands.  We believe (although it is very difficult at times) that although our hearts are still broken into a million pieces and life feels impossible at times, that He again, knows differently for us -beyond what we are feeling in these heavy moments today- and are hopeful that just around the corner, instead of heart break, we will discover that He has happiness waiting for us.  I don't know how much farther we have to travel on this path to get there, but I wish you were here to share in that happiness with us when it does arrive.  Because no matter how great it will be, there will always be a bittersweet element to it because you won't be with us.  However, deep in my heart, I know that when our happiness does arrive, you will be smiling down on us from your beautiful spot in heaven on your special clouds. You will be with us Luke.  Always....and we are so thankful for that truth.

The photo above is a picture of some of your beautiful cirrus clouds. I was feeling very sad and missing you when I glanced up and noticed that there was a sundog among them.  Your dad whispered in my ear that this was God reminding us of his promise of hope and also his special way of making your clouds extra beautiful when I needed it most.

I love you and miss you more than my words can ever say and I cannot wait to be with you again.  I wish you a very happy half birthday Luke.  I celebrate being your mom every day.  You are and always will be a gift to me.

xo,
your mom