Looking Forward and Looking Back

 It's difficult to describe how I have been feeling this holiday season. Life seems to have somehow returned to its frenetic pace, but my heart has not necessarily been behind everything that has needed to be done or invested in the events scheduled on our calendar.  I enjoyed and celebrated the holiday season by challenging myself to make some new/untested Thanksgiving dishes for my family to enjoy, by purchasing and decorating a beautiful tree, wrapping presents in the prettiest way I knew how, singing along with the carols of old, and by joining in many different holiday festivities alongside many friends.  I even realized that i was smiling, laughing, enjoying and celebrating.  On the outside, I may have even looked happy.  However, inside there was a giant Luke-shaped hole that even in the smallest of moments, if I even let my thoughts wander to my sweet little guy for even an instant, my eyes would overflow onto my cheeks and my heart would break all over again with sorrow.  That has not changed.

Looking back, it is easy for me to see that I'm certainly in a different place than I was last Christmas.  This time last year, I could hardly breathe through my fear and my anguish.  I could not envision my life past Luke's birthday let alone making it all the way to the next holiday season, yet, here I am.  No question, by God's grace and provision, I'm here today.

For me, there were a lot of tears mixed in with the revelry this season...especially when I have been alone.  We wanted to be intentional about honoring his presence in our family as this was our first Christmas without him with us.  We placed Luke's special ornaments on our tree, hung a little stocking we got for him with his name on it, reading the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke on Christmas eve, and put out some new special angels among my decorations.  I still cried my eyes out during Silent Night and any song that talked about the heavenly angels singing their praises and singing over us here on earth...I could only think of my own sweet baby angel up there, hoping that someone was holding him close and teaching him the words as all of the angels were singing together on that side of heaven as we sang toward heaven from down here. Separated.

 However, one of the most special things we did during this holiday season was something that is sure to become a long-standing family tradition in the years to come.  We were invited by my parents to honor and remember Luke at a special Service of Remembrance that their church has every year.  It is especially timed to take place in early December, right in the heart of the holiday rush and just when the joyfulness of the season is kicking into high gear.  It is a service especially for those who are missing someone they love very much and it was truly beautiful.  We requested that Luke's name be added to the program and attended the service with anxious hearts, not certain of what the evening would hold.

 At first I wasn't sure if my heart could handle opening up the part of my heart that is still raw with grief.  The part where I have put my heartache, loss, sadness, and where the presence of his absence is very, very real.  But I'm so deeply glad that I chose bravery instead of fear, because I felt very close to our sweet little guy that night in that beautiful church.  Although the service was filled with tears and prayers and beauty, and some pain, it was comforting to be among others who were genuinely experiencing the same sense of loss during this time of year when everything is supposed to be joyful, merry and bright.  The people there that night got it; they understood and did not need the reminder that not everyone is feeling happy during this "most wonderful time of the year" and it was so, so comforting.  We all took turns lighting candles in honor of our loved ones memory- remembering the light their lives added to this world while they were here.  Gone, but absolutely not forgotten.  We will always remember you sweet Luke, your absence is full of your presence.  Our hearts ache but only because we loved you so much.

Today is New Year's Day.  For me, it does not feel like the official start of a new year- yet.  I know the calendar changed for 99.99% of the population, but for me (and possibly Joe too) my new year will officially begin on January 5...the day after Luke's birthday.  That will feel like a fresh start to me.  One year, the most difficult one, the year of firsts for everything missed will be behind us.   We will have survived it.  Unlike last year, I can see myself on that day (the 5th) holding an entire new year's worth of possibilities and dreams in my heart, which is proof positive of God's goodness and grace....one year to the day after what I was sure would be my death, I can now see myself ready to stand again on the cusp of life.

Emerging from this long, impossible winter of a year, I'm looking forward with hopeful expectation to what is ahead. Words, thoughts and sentiments that one year ago, I never thought I would ever again express with any form of sincerity.  Yet here I am.  I'm looking forward; but never, ever forgetting what is behind me or the path I have taken to reach this point in my journey. I'm thankful to be here, and I'm thankful for what is ahead....whatever it may be.