August and Everything After.... Part 7 - The Summit and Lessons Learned

Hi Friends. It is me, the worst blogger in the world.  I hope you are well and I cannot thank you enough for stopping by here again after all this time!  Seriously.  You have no idea what it means to me that you are even checking this blog after all that has not happened here this past year! You may (or may not for that matter) be glad to know, I am working to remedy that in 2014.

You may have also thought that I forgot I was in the middle of telling you a story that I started MONTHS ago...but I did not!  Here is the next installment and if you need a refresher on what was happening when we left off (and I would not blame you!) you can get caught up here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6

...so here we go...on up the mountain...

A glimpse of the beauty through the incoming clouds letting us know the weather was about to change...

By this point in our hike, we could now see the top and although it looked close, it was actually still quite a ways away.  But we were re-energized by seeing our summit- our goal was in sight and we were close.  We knew we were going to make it.  As we got closer, our friends who had been celebrating on the summit for almost an hour now, began shouting genuine encouragements and applauding us as we approached.  It was humbling but also one of the most beautiful, embracing feelings I have ever felt.  Their offering of encouragement equipped our empty tanks with the extra emotional fuel we needed to make it....this was not an individual accomplishment. Just as in life, we need others beside us on the path to hold our hands or our hearts, to wipe our tears and celebrate our joys and our triumphs with us.    

Almost there!

There was no judgement, no laughing, everyone genuinely just wanted us to get there so we could celebrate together...we were a family of friends that God had brought together and it was never more clear to me than as I tripped, struggled and dragged my way to the top to join them in our collective achievement celebration.  

Taking in the beauty...it stopped your heart it was so incredible!

My memories of this hike on this day are exceptionally vivid.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks long before we got to the top and I could not stop them even if I had tried. I had conquered every fiber in my body and mind that was telling me to quit, the voices of doubt that whispered I did not have what it took to accomplish this goal.  I had defeated the lies screaming in my head every step of the way that I was humiliating myself and that I should just give up.  The lies that whispered unworthiness, the ones that touched every deep wound of my heart past and present.  In reaching the top, I had pushed through absolute physical weakness to a place where I felt physically victorious and mentally unbeatable.  It was AMAZING.

Hooray for Group #3!

There was victory in my spirit for not having given up and for struggling through every bump, scrape, disgrace and embarrassment along the way.  I knew it was the absolute most difficult experience I had ever physically and mentally faced and I had battled through to victory.  So there I stood (I did not dare sit down for fear of never getting back up!)  celebrating with my dear friends and most of all with God on the highest point in Colorado.  I had never felt closer to Him or more victorious in my life.  I felt a realization and truth growing in my heart that I was stronger than even I understood there in that moment.  Looking back over my journey these past seven years, I KNOW God used that mountain experience to teach me deep powerful lessons about myself that I have called upon time and again as I have faced some of my darkest and most challenging moments I never imagined possible.

We took our photos, cried some big tears, hugged some big hugs and called our families (you actually get cell service up there!) I could barely speak I was crying so hard when I spoke to my parents that day.  It was impossible to communicate the depth of experience I had just been through- I had done something that felt impossible for me and I no longer cared about how I looked struggling up the side of the mountain, or what others might think of me and my now VERY visible and obvious weaknesses...but you know what? They did not care about that- these were rock star friends who cared only about encouraging and supporting. I knew that beyond a doubt after reaching the top.

As I fought my way out of the cocoon of doubt, fear, worry, weakness, anxiety and more fear while climbing, I discovered with God's gentle hand that day that I was free and I was brave and probably most important that I was also strong....and that He had already known those things about me all along....I just could not accept or believe them about myself until I battled those enemies with my own sweat, struggle and tears.  I stood on top of Mt. Elbert that afternoon and finally believed these truths about myself and that experience has changed my life forever. I can do this.  It may not be pretty, but I can do it

my lovely friend, Jen...

I also learned that when standing on a mountain top, you see MORE mountains...as far as the eye can see.  That seems like a no-brainer statement, but when you apply that truth to life, you realize how true it is.  Very rarely is a giant mountain standing alone surrounded by lush and lovely meadows.  No, they are surrounded by other mountains, separated by steep ravines and deep, shadowed valleys.  Life is a series of mountains we climb, struggles we overcome, battles we fight, victories we celebrate and beautiful views along the way. I  did not know it that day, but God showed me that I had what it took to face down challenges I never thought I could survive....a truth I would cling to as I began to battle my way climbing mountains in my life called 'singleness', 'Joe', 'marriage,' 'job loss,' 'pregnancy', 'Luke,' 'pregnancy after loss,' 'motherhood,' 'infertility,' 'adoption,'...and on and on it will go.  

Starting back down in the sleet and rain...

After about fifteen minutes, we had to start heading back down because weather was heading in and we needed to descend as quickly as we could in order to be out of danger.  It was not a fast descent by any stretch, but we stayed in motion pretty much the whole way down.  Physically going down was much more painful and difficult, but the endorphins I had surging within went a long way to offer me energy and endurance.  I remember marveling at the view as we walked down in a single file line.  Even when it started sleeting for a little bit, it was breathtaking.  

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The way down was challenging, but also fun...I felt light and smiley both inside and out....even as I watched Joe and his girlfriend hike down together. I cared, but I didn't really in that moment.  It was about me in that moment- my personal victory, not them anymore- if that makes any sense.  I was living my mountaintop high.   My poor friend, Ginger struggled with altitude sickness, which made her hike down treacherous and awful, but overall, spirits were high as we returned to our cars, our condos and eventually our normal lives after the trip.

taking a break...

The next day, we all caravanned back home, back to our real lives, back to reality.  Joe and I did not speak the rest of the trip and actually did not speak to one another for months afterwards.  We still moved in the same circles of friends, but we kept a distance from one another.

Roses waiting for me from my parents when I got home...

My heart still missed him and what in my mind "could have been" but I had a newfound inner resolve - one only strengthened by my lessons learned on the mountain- to wait for the man God had chosen for me...whoever and where ever he might be, and to do that well meant staying far away from Joe...so that is what I did...until one day after eight months of not speaking to one another he called me out of the blue....

....to be continued.... 

(and I promise it will not take me 3 months before another post goes up!)