August and Everything After.... Part 9: Waiting

Trying to sleep that night after my glorious and unexpected afternoon at the Nelson with Joe was impossible.  I was so excited and happy that I would doze off and then wake back up filled with so much hope and happiness that I just could not calm my heart down.  I felt like I was floating the next day at work and of course could not tell anyone what was going on. (I did tell a few close friends who I knew would be praying and holding me accountable during this time but no one else).  As the next weekend neared, I found myself checking my phone pretty regularly and not wanting to make plans in case he called and wanted to get together.  But no call came.

And no call came the next week or the week after that or after that or after that or....you get the idea.  As the days turned to weeks and then into months, my heart broke into more and more pieces.  I would see him and his girlfriend around at church looking not-so-broken up.  I was dying inside. The sting of rejection was cutting deep and I began to question myself and most of all him.  Was he the man I believed him to be? The Joe I believed him to be would never intentionally wound someone. Was he actually a mean person who was playing a cruel game with my heart? I did not think so, but it certainly felt like it.  I had no idea what was going on, but I knew things were not looking good and I did not understand what had transpired with his heart since we parted ways full of hope that Sunday afternoon.

I began to sink into a pretty deep depression.  Luckily for me, that June and July I had several back to back trips planned both personally and for work.  In the span of about 5 weeks I traveled to Montana, Boston, Mexico and Colorado.  I was busy and surrounded by wonderful friends and family and kept a happy face on publicly, but privately, I was heartbroken.  I was embarrassed.  I was furious and deeply hurt in an already vulnerable part of my heart.  I had still been seeing Joe around church and social gatherings with his girlfriend sitting together or holding hands or riding together or whatever.  It did not matter what was going on, to the outside eye, they were still very much together.

Most importantly to me, I began to realize that he was not coming back for me.  He had asked me to wait and I had waited and waited and waited.  I did not know how to handle this any better than I had been doing.  I had intentionally tried to give him the space he needed to conclude his relationship with the other girl well.  I did not want to be needy or clingy or a nag, so I had resolved to say nothing and just wait patiently for him to let me know things were resolved and that he was ready.  But after months of waiting, I was nearing the end of my rope.  Waiting was taking every ounce of strength I had.  During this time I lost over 20 pounds- (which I am not complaining about!) I took up running (which I hate, but I had so much animosity and emotion in my body that I had to have some sort of outlet) and I cried countless tears.  All the while, he said nothing and carried on as if nothing had ever happened...like he had completely forgotten me.  He never called.  He never gave me any indication that he even remembered he said he was going to break up with her let alone that he was interested in me.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  I on the other hand was not.

It sounds crazy to say, but my faith during this season deepened tremendously.  Without a doubt I knew God was in control.  That did not make it any easier but I knew I had done nothing to orchestrate or invent our wonderful lunch date back in April which had led to this strange season I was in, so I knew God had been the one who had allowed it to happen.  And this was freeing for me in a way.  For what purpose, I did not know, but it had happened.  I trusted Him to resolve this and I knew in my spirit that I was to just be still and wait.  If you have ever tried to do that, you know it is next to impossible.  Especially when it is in regards to something that is running across your mind every .2 seconds.  So that summer I spent a lot of time in the Word and memorizing and journaling and crying out and fighting against myself to remain still and wait for something to happen.  I questioned everything.  Was something going on with him? Was it work? Was it me? Had he changed his mind and did not have the courage to tell me? 

Then finally in late July- yes, almost FOUR months later, I snapped.  We were both at the mid-week service that our church used to have, and after the service he casually walked over and said hello and started talking about something ridiculous like the weather or something lame like that- basically the LAST thing I wanted to talk with him about after nearly four months of silence.  I completely lost it. I could not fake it, I could not be socially gracious.  I could not small talk with him.  I blurted out something blunt and direct to the effect of "What is going on here, Joe?" My exact words are lost on me now, but his are not.  He said something I never could have seen coming in a million years.  He said, "Well, I'm actually thinking I may be moving to China."

           ....to be continued....