Celebrating Luke

Celebrating Luke this year felt both familiar and foreign to me.  My heart was brimming with emotion as I crashed into his birthday.  My days are fuller this year with caring for a very busy little gal and I did not have as much time as I had hoped to just sit, be still, prepare my heart for his birthday and all that comes with remembering and celebrating his little life.  I was not prepared and was overwhelmed with my raw heartache over just simply missing my little guy.  All day long, my heart crashed into my grief in unexpected ways and in little moments...  making breakfast, playing with toys, over laundry, in the shower, while changing diapers, reading storybooks...all day long my tears rolled down my cheeks.  I think Lily could sense that I was not myself because she in turn was not quite herself either.  We were surrounded by loving text messages, emails, phone calls, cards, flowers and genuinely felt the love of so many people holding us close.  It was just a day of beautiful struggle and sadness that Luke was not here to eat his birthday cake, or play with the balloons or open presents or make a mess or make us laugh with his energy and smile.  So much missing, but also so much healing.

Even though I was sad all day long, I was able to recognize deep within my heart that there has also been healing that God has woven into my heart where this scar still feels rather scab-ish.  I did not disappear into my sadness as I have so many other times before.  I was able to speak about my sadness rather than just let my tears communicate the grief.  I was able to smile as I remembered Luke's birthday and I enjoyed our little family celebration we had for him. Most importantly I was able to still be present for Lily and not simply "disappear" on her as I feared I could or would.

We carried on the traditions we began last year...

with some special balloons we let off toward heaven for him...

including a special pink one especially from his little sister...

 

 

 

after we let the balloons go, we had a little family lunch together back at the house before Joe had to return to work...

and while I forgot to take a photo of it, we also made Luke's special birthday cake- Chunky Monkey and had some of that in the evening.  It was a lovely day overall- not just weather wise or celebration wise, but also just the fullness of seeing where we are in our story as compared to where we were two years ago.  God has faithfully brought us through some difficult terrain over the past two years and so much is different in our lives now.  I know that for all of our years to come, Luke's birthday will be a special day for our family, no matter where we are or who is sitting at the table with us.  

This year we were so happy to have a sweet, new little girl dressed in pink helping us love and celebrate her big brother.