Goosebumps were all over me. Those words held so much power and memory within them for both myself and the bride...and our personal stories. I had an uncontrollable urge to bawl my eyes out right there in front of everyone as I remembered where I was when those words were first spoken over me.
It was about four weeks before giving birth to Luke, some friends and I had traveled to Oklahoma City to attend a conference called Deeper Still. It was a weekend of biblical teaching from Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer. It was a ticket I had purchased long before learning we were going to lose Luke and came at an anointed time when I was in the final stretch of attempting to brace myself for Luke's arrival and all of the unknown that lay beyond his birthday.
Prior to that weekend, I had never heard of Priscilla Shirer, but after hearing her teach, I am now a H.U.G.E. fan of her teachings, writings and studies and I will never forget how God has used her in my life. Ever. She taught that day at the conference from Ephesians 3:20-21 and she spoke about how God's specialty is in the "immeasurably more" or 'beyond.' He longs to give, love, lavish, reveal, excite, lead us, plan and dream for us beyond anything we could ever imagine or ask for...and then he goes beyond that beyond...and he delights in it and He is able.
Sitting there in the arena that Saturday morning, I remember the tears in my eyes as I listened. I could not fathom what kind of 'beyond' God held for me in that particular season of my life. I was nine months pregnant with a son I was going to lose. I had always dreamed of being a mother to a little guy and here was my dream being shattered and crushed in a very slow, agonizing and public way. I just could not reconcile my reality with God's words of truth even though I desperately wanted to. How could this situation be beyond anything I could ask for? I knew it was certainly beyond anything I had imagined...but not in a good way. I just could not understand where God was in my story...
A handful of weeks later on Luke's birthday, God showed me the 'beyond' he was holding for me. That day remains one of the most beautiful, peaceful, love-filled days I have ever lived. It exceeded my wildest hopes for our precious time with our little Luke. Beyond. Several months after that, we were graced with a new pregnancy smack in the middle of one of the greatest spiritual and emotional deserts I have ever experienced. We were still grieving, Joe had been layed off and had been looking for work for months, and I was crying out to God daily with my thoughts and feelings of being forgotten and abandoned by Him when I needed him most....and then suddenly there was the gift of little Lily in my belly...a gift beyond good in that barren season of life.
A few months and another job later, Joe was offered his current job: a vital role within a thriving, healthy, friendly company where his skills and talents fit perfectly. The compensation and timing of this new job arrived perfectly just a handful of weeks before Lily's arrival providing Joe the opportunity to grow professionally while at the same time allowing me to close my own professional chapter to stay home with our daughter- a long time dream of mine. Both of our 'career' dreams coming true at the same perfect time for our family....absolutely beyond.
Of course there is also the daily joy of holding, loving, snuggling and cherishing every moment of getting to watch our sweet little gal live her days...there are no words to express this experience other than it is a gift beyond description or expression. We have watched a child pass away together, now together we get to watch one grow....this gift is simply immeasurably more than our hearts can hold. Beyond.
Looking backwards, I now see dots connected. I can see God's fingerprints over our story....things I could not see while living the days, but can see now, with eyes honed from the journey. With my faltering human heart, I still do not understand why Luke had to leave us, but I will always remember how God showed up on his birthday and how he surrounded us with the most amazing community of friends and family and lavished our broken hearts with so. much. love.....a love beyond description. I can now appreciate with actual gratitude all of the hardships we endured while Joe worked so hard to find and acquire his current employment. Thanks to countless budget cuts and revisions over the past two years, we were more than prepared to drop to one income when the opportunity arose allowing me to stay home with Lily. I never thought I would be thankful for those employment hardships. But beyond all of my wisdom and understanding, seeing the outcome and where God has brought us, I am now beyond grateful for that difficult path He had for us because it has led us to where we are today.
What I have learned from my journey is that although God does not answer every desperate prayer cried out to him in the way we would like or in the time frame of our choosing, it does not mean he is not answering them...sometimes in ways we cannot know to ask. I have learned that he works in our hearts through our most difficult seasons in life...that those are often the seasons when he is holding us the closest...wiping our every tear, calming our every quiver of fear and sheltering us from the storms raging all around us...although he may seem far away. He sends us friends and family and teachers and music and books and nature and encouragement and inspiration and beauty to surround us with his love and comfort in very tangible ways and takes no credit...he simply loves us and cares for us in ways beyond our understanding.
...So on that beautiful evening as the scripture was read over the gathered crowd, I listened to the words I knew by heart and shared silent eye contact with the lovely bride. Both of us had tears in our eyes...knowing and marking that incredible moment...no words were needed, we both knew and silently celebrated together this beautiful, amazing beyond moment in her story. She had been at the conference with me all those months ago and here we were marking this moment with the shared knowing of what we were witnessing. Beyond.
God does this...he slips these little moments into our lives and if we are not intentionally looking for Him amidst our story, we run the risk of missing their full beauty. He says he has plans for our lives and if we trust him with our joys and our sorrows, he will not fail to lead us to where he has dreamed for us to go...and then, even wildly beyond!
Sarah, this is so lovely. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFor as much as God has excellent timing from me to you, He has the same from you to me. I needed to read this and reafirm that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteBeth
Found your blog through another blog - can't remember if I've posted before. But I just wanted to say: lovely writing! Well done - beaufitul.
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