To the Day- A House Story

a beautiful sign in our not so beautiful yard

Lily and I have walked through almost fifty homes over the past month.  It has been a non-stop, daily adventure for us- and our favorite realtor, of course.  It was exciting to wonder what was behind each door.  A little strange to think that we were walking through the homes of complete strangers, but that is the process, I guess.  We knew our price range, we knew the areas where we wanted to eventually be and we made tracks visiting and touring and driving all over the county.  Some days were fun and exciting, others were difficult, some were depressing, and others were sad.

Here is the story of our journey to today...

A few weeks ago, we found what we thought was "the one."  It had everything we were looking for in a home, just needed some minor touch ups here and there.  The family had already left and had experienced tremendous tragedy, so they were selling it "as-is" in hopes of moving it fast.  It was still in good condition and was an incredible deal.  Apparently we were not the only ones who felt this way about that adorable place- within 48 hours of it being on the market, there were three offers on the table and a little "bidding war" ensued.  We ended up not getting it, and I got my first taste of heartbreak on this buying side of the moving process...the side I thought would be so much easier and a whole lot of  fun.  To be fair, we had prayed and repeatedly asked God to close the door if it was not the right house for us, and well, He did.

After licking my (I say 'my' because I've learned that my beloved Joe so much more pragmatic about this process than I am.  While he certainly experiences the ups and downs of all of this along with me, he does not swing his whole heart into a house before its ours the way that I cannot help but do).  So anyways, after licking my wounds for a couple of days, I set back out onto the trail to try and find our future home.  My heart was not in it- at all.  I could only compare these homes to the one that got away and they were not even close to it.  After a few more days of searching, we reached a point where we had literally seen almost every house on the market that was in the areas we wanted to live and that was in our price range...which was really discouraging.  We were now just waiting for new homes to pop onto the market.

In the meantime, on my realtor's advice, we started visiting ones I had previously said "no" to on paper or after seeing online, with the wisdom being, sometimes you just need to see them in person just to make sure you are not missing out on something great.  I was okay with doing this, but my expectations were low.  We saw several and my initial reactions to them on paper/online was correct.  We then decided to see some that were technically out of our price range just to see if I liked them in case we wanted to wach them and see if they dropped their price.

That is how we arrived at what we will call "the lake house."  It was being sold by its owner and was not technically on a lake, just in a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood that has lots of lakes with walking paths around them. This house and neighborhood were absolutely lovely.  It was a custom home, so the floor plan/layout was entirely unique which made a favorable impression on both of us.  It had been updated and impeccably maintained.  It was tucked back in on a cul-de-sac near excellent schools and we loved it.  However, for whatever reason, I had some weird nagging questions about the pantry (which I could not remember existing at all) and we wanted to measure a couple of other things before putting in our offer.  So we made plans to go back for a third visit last Sunday afternoon and when we made the appointment, we learned that there was another offer on the table for the house, so we knew we would need to move quickly if we wanted to get ours in and have it be competitive.

We told our friends about it and took my parents with us so they could see it and we were SO excited about it.  As we were there for an hour, talking with the owner, measuring particular spaces, learning about the neighbors (one recently had a baby, one was an elementary teacher etc- hello, perfect!) we received a complete peace about the house in our hearts. As we were standing out in the backyard of the house (so we could talk privately about our offer), our realtor came outside with a stunned look on her face.  She informed us that the owner had signed a contract (on the earlier offer) the night before.  She explained that when she tried to clarify what had exactly happened and why the owner had previously stated that there was NOT a contract on the house, the owner expressed confusion about the difference between an "offer" and a "signed contract."  It all seemed a little fishy.  We felt like there had been a complete bait and switch right before our eyes.  We would never have spent the time going down there, the time wandering around measuring, we would not have taken my parents had we known the house was off the market.  We could not believe that she had let us wander around her home, with my parents, with our measuring tape, with all of our questions and enthusiasm for an HOUR before mentioning that the house was already under contract.  I was speechless and heartbroken all over again.  It was a very sad scene and I'm positive the disappointment on our faces and in our deflated hopes was palpable.  Our poor realtor was livid, but maintained absolute professionalism in that most difficult of situations. I have to hand it to both her and Joe who also handled himself extremely well all things considered.  Me?  I was silent and kept my attention focused on Lily so I would not burst into tears right there in the woman's kitchen.  It was a stunner, but again, we had been praying that if it was not the right house, that the Lord would close the door and again, with a surprising twist of events, He did.

Where was our home????  Why was this so difficult???  I had thought this was supposed to be the fun side of things! 

What we were learning in this process was that the quality houses in our price range seemed to have a pool of buyers just waiting for them to pop up onto the market.  It seemed like there were lots of people who were looking for the same things we were in the same areas we were and so we knew, that if we saw something we liked, we had to move quickly and not dally around building dreams and hopes into each potential place.  We had to move forward in faith that God was leading us to where we were supposed to be- He HAD to be- doors continued closing that seemed so unlikely...so we knew He was leading us somewhere...we just had no idea where.

So after a couple of days of being stunned and disappointed on missing out on the dreamy lake house by mere hours, we again began our search.  My hopes were low.  However, just a couple of days later, a listing popped up that was just around the corner from the first house we had made an offer on- so I went to see it the same day it went on the market and then had Joe visit it after work.  It was very similar to the first one in appearance, only it had a different floor plan and had been COMPLETELY redone and updated.  It was beautiful and would obviously sell fast.  It was priced out of our range, so we made an offer at the max of our budget in hopes it would be okay- but we knew it was still considerably under what they were asking (and could probably get).  After making our offer, I started to have a little bit of cold feet about being at the tip top of our budget.  We also found out that in its one day on the market, there had been 8 showings in three hours and they had received 3 offers (one of which was ours).  This was crazy!  We found out later that we did not get that one either, however, I was not heartbroken this time as I had been with the others. I actually felt a bit of relief on that one.  Grateful that again, God had closed the door for us.  The search would continue! *sigh*

Then came yesterday.  Our fearless (and incredible) realtor had sent a rash of new listings over a couple of days which was encouraging to actually see several new homes somewhat in our price range that seemed to hold some promise.  Three of these homes were in a neighborhood that was much farther south and west than we had previously been looking.  Initially we had declined to live that far "out" but we were at the point where we were keeping all options open in hopes of finding the right house.  Maybe God wanted us way out there! Who knows?  So Lily and I did a drive by on the neighborhood one afternoon (and yes, it was really far out there) but it was lovely.  I found myself pleasantly surprised and had a much greater willingness to look at homes there after seeing the area with my own eyes rather than Google earth.  In total there were five houses we were interested in seeing yesterday (which was amazing considering the recent "lack" of viable options out there as of late).  Yesterday morning, we made plans to see a couple of houses that were just south of the neighborhood where we had put offers on the other two, and then three way far out there in the neighborhood Lily and I had driven through.  In my mind, I was more focused on the "way far out there" neighborhood than I was on the two we were going to see in the morning that were actually closer in and more along the corridor where we were hoping to live.  They seemed nice, but I was just more eagerly anticipating seeing the ones way far out (which in itself was surprising to me).

Funny how God works.

We pulled up to the first house which is closer to where we had envisioned living.  While my expectations were not high, they were not low either- I would actually say they were kind of in the middle.  I walked through the door and my breath caught a little bit.  It was BEAUTIFUL.  It was flooded with natural light and its homey feel was EXACTLY what I had been looking for all of these weeks.  While the house has not been completely updated, it is in fantastic condition, has been finished beautifully and possesses a very open and welcoming family feel.  To me it felt like home.  I could immediately see our family living there, our friends spending time there, our family there, overnight guests visiting....I LOVED it. Instantly.  It is move-in ready, yet, still holds many opportunities for us to put our own finishing touches on it and make it our own (which I love).  It does not have some of the things we were hoping for (a finished basement, a flat driveway, a neighborhood pool, cul-de-sac location) but at the same time, it has everything we were hoping for too- tucked away in a neighborhood yet has easy access, a lovely back yard, a great family feel, space for entertaining, space to spread out, space to breathe, lots of natural light....it is a great home.  I was completely shocked by how the online photos did not do the place justice.  It felt so much bigger than it looked in the pictures - big, yet cozy at the same time.  Exactly what we wanted.  (Side note: Lily loved it too.  The owners appeared to have two young daughters, so the house was sprinkled with cute little girly toys and stuffed animals which Lily went BONKERS for...it was very hard to contain her as she tried to play with and touch all of them! It was very cute.  I chose to take that as a confirmation sign from above that this could potentially be our home as Lily felt instantly very comfortable there as well).

Joe went to see it over his lunchbreak and we easily decided to make an offer.  The house had been on the market one day and we had no idea how many other showings had happened and did not want to play around and potentially miss out on this one like we had the other houses we had loved.  We felt confident after seeing so many different homes, that this was the one and that we could be very happy there.  So we signed the paperwork and turned in our offer with lots of prayers whispered up.  After turning our offer in, we received word that ours was the only offer in play so far and that the owners already had a counter offer...we countered with our own counter offer- and literally, just an hour ago, we received word that they had accepted!!!  PRAISE GOD! WE HAVE FOUND OUR HOME AND IT'S UNDER CONTRACT!!! (*Yes, there are still inspections and appraisals that have to happen, but we are THRILLED to finally have a home to "officially" and freely begin dreaming about!  We will post pics at a later date.)

To say we are excited is an understatement.  I already could not sleep last night with all of the excitement in my body and that was before we had a contract! 

The ironic thing about all of this?  Tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of signing the contract selling our little house. All of these ups and downs have happened in the last MONTH!  And tomorrow also marks one year anniversary of when we initially put our house on the market.  It feels like ages ago, but one year ago to the day- this whole journey "officially" began. Progress has been and is being made.  Change is happening.  God is good and faithful.  I'm glad I did not know how long the wait would be or the difficulties I would face when we started out a year ago- but I am SO thankful for his provision as we have crossed this desert all the while moving toward where we are going.  All of this has been for His glory and I am (finally) so excited! 

Thanks for reading this whole thing.  I know it is a really, really long post, but I wanted to document it here and share it with all of you so I could always look back and remember God's faithfulness and leadership as we traveled across this desert in order to finally find our way home.  Praise God!  It has been a (very) long and difficult journey to reach this place.  There has been lots of waiting, lots of faltering and lots of struggle.  I was recently reminded of a beautiful quote about waiting and I wanted to close with it today.  Blessings to all of you, but especially those of you who are in your own season of difficult waiting.  You are not alone and we realize that ours is far from over as we continue to wait for our next family member, but today, I feel encouraged and hopeful- more than I have in the past year.  I pray that our story of God's faithfulness in helping us move forward and out of this particular desert can be of encouragement to your weary heart as well.

“Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us… God does not always rescue us out of painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes… it hurts.”

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge

Starting Over...Again

I feel like I have been going through the motions of living these past couple of weeks. Like I have nothing to offer and just making it through the days has been tough.  We have been really busy and I have been here, doing my regular thing, seeing my regular people, but have not really been here if you know what I mean. 

Life has been a rush of inspections, appraisals, bids for repairs, plumbers, house hunting, sickness, ear infections, toddlerhood, disappointments, waiting and wallowing.  I have been trying my best to hold it all together, but I have really struggled.  If I'm going to be honest, I have failed.

I have cried more in the past three weeks than I have in a long time.  I'm sure to God, I appear like a toddler myself who pouts, weeps, throws tantrums and sulks.  It was pretty eye opening when I made the connection.  Lily is genuinely meeting obstacles and trying to learn and develop coping skills that she literally does not possess yet.  She is amazing as she works through these developmental milestones right in front of my eyes with no bigger picture perspective...just continued effort in spite of setbacks.  Some days are better than others for sure, and when you add in some sickness, that just makes everything harder- especially for her.  But she pushes through.  I greatly admire that about her.

Me on the other hand, I have perspective.  I know there is a bigger picture.  I know I am not in control, and yet when I have met disappointment or setbacks in recent weeks, I have crumbled.  I have bottomed out and have turned inward and away...angry, sad and frustrated.  Writing nothing, sharing nothing of my heart.  Last night as I lay awake in the middle of the night, I was able to pray in a way that I have not been able to for a long time. And finally a little bit of peace and relief filled my heart.

I have so many questions about my life these days.  Big Questions.  Questions that cannot be answered by me or by anyone whose voice I can audibly hear by calling on the phone.  Questions about homes, babies, dreams, timing, future happiness, callings....   I have cried out to God only in anger a LOT lately, not surrender, not with reverence, certainly not in humility.  I have thrown my tantrums.  I have not wanted to surrender to Him because despite all of His promises in the Bible, part of me is deeply afraid that I won't like what he has ahead for me.  What is wrong with me???  Thankfully, he has given me a wide space to just be.  To be who I am and where I am with Him.  He has been quiet and has let me kick and stomp and weep.  I have no question He is working, I can feel the refining fires burning hot.  I feel ready to surrender...scared out of my socks...but also ready for things to be different and I know that can ONLY happen if I let it go, ask forgiveness and surrender anew. 

 So today, I'm starting over...again.  Surrendering and choosing joy.  Choosing the gifts of this day in these moments I have been given with people I have been given to share them with. 

Thank you, God.  And thank goodness for second chances...(and third and fourth and fifth....)

Counting on a Tuesday...

Just when I believed it could not get any hotter and muggier outside, it did.  A couple of weeks ago now, our little family of three loaded up and set out driving across the state of Kansas in hopes of making it to the cool (but smokey) mountains of Colorado for bedtime.  When we left our home it was 102 outside.  Gross.  And with the humidity, the heat index read 109.  Would our weather ever change? Even a little bit?   As most of the nation knows, large portions of our country have been blistered by heat wave upon heat wave coupled with months and months of drought.  Where we live, we have been straight in the middle of it all.  But I digress...

As we gradually made our way across the plains of Kansas, with each stop the temperatures were creeping higher and higher.  It felt almost unbearable outside.  Close to Lily's bedtime, we pulled into a McDonald's in Goodland, Kansas ( it's a very nice one by the way, in case you are thinking of traveling along I-70 through Kansas any time soon!).  And as we pulled up, the clouds that had been in the distance seemed to be rolling ever closer toward us. Rain was no where near our radar of expectations, but stepping out of the car, we could feel the energy in the air that is present before a really good thunderstorm breaks free.  It was lovely and completely unexpected!

As some gentle rolls of thunder grew gradually louder and closer, we fed Lily her dinner (don't worry, it wasn't McDonald's) and her bedtime bottle.  Everyone inside McDonald's was talking about the storm and seemed to be in a lively, smiley and friendly mood.  We got everything organized in the car and set back out onto the road and within minutes we were engulfed in a downpour of rain like we have not seen with our eyes for months!  It was beautiful, unexpected (have I mentioned that yet?) and refreshing. Most startling of all was that literally within minutes of driving into the storm front, the temperatures outside went from 106 to 67 degrees.  I kid you not.  I tend to be a pretty big weather geek and in my entire lifetime, I have never experienced a temperature swing that rapid or that complete.  God was bringing relief, and we drank it in with full and thankful hearts.  I remember thinking at the time as we watched with incredulity as the numbers on the temperature gage of our car just started falling, that this was God showing up- reminding me as I wallowed in my own "pit" of discouragement about our house, that He is able to change circumstances in an instant- and usually when I least expect it.  

Nearly two weeks later, I was reminded of this storm on the plains, when right in the middle of my haircut last week, I received a phone call from our realtor saying that a young couple had made an offer on our house!  Huh?  Seriously???  I literally could not believe it...all of the sudden things were different.  We went through several rounds of negotiations with them and finally late Thursday evening, we landed on a number everyone could agree upon.  WE HAVE A CONTRACT ON OUR HOUSE!!!   Unexpected total relief.  Again, God seemed to bring the "rain", and the relief just when it was needed the most.  Of course we still have inspections and appraisals to pass, but if things work out, we will be moving in September.  

Back to our road trip, we made it to the mountains later that night after driving for nearly 12 hours (especially long trip for a 1 year old little gal!)  and enjoyed a week of relaxation and refreshment thanks to my parents who were there with us as well.  At the time I still had no idea how much longer we would be waiting for our house to sell, so my spirit was still feeling heavy and in great need of some mountain-assisted relief (not to mention a break from keeping the house scrubbed down all the time!).  

Now back home, we are neck deep in inspections, appraisals, loan pre-approvals, house hunting and trying to survive this incredible heat wave outside.  Looking back, I feel like God blessed us with those lovely days in the mountains because he knew that when we arrived back home, we would experience some relief (a contract on our house), but would also still have many more proverbial mountains to climb before this whole story is over...

368.  Safe, protected travels

369.  The incredible break in the weather a thunderstorm can bring

370.  the beauty of sky over mountains reflected in a placid lake

371.  long, gentle afternoon thunderstorms in the mountains

372.  an afternoon date of mini golf in the rain with my sweetie

373.  the river walk in downtown Estes Park, Colorado

374.  watching Lily love and be loved by her grandparents for an entire week

376.  a signed contract on our house

377.  sunset over the mountains

378.  a sundog in a cirrus cloud over our road back home

pride, humility, our home and my ebenezer - part 6 - The Conclusion

At last we arrive at the part where I finally get to tell you about my ebenezer.  If you look up the word, it means, "stone of help."  I'm not a fan of that particular definition per se because it harkens my thoughts to crystals and mystic-nature-y worship of stones etc.  That is NOT what I'm talking about here.  I am getting my reference to ebenezer from 1 Samuel 7: 12, which still references a "stone of help," but I love how it is explained also as a way to remember how so far, on the journey, the Lord has helped us.

¹² Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer,^[a]saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”  

                                                               - 1 Samuel 7:12.

  Back when I was pregnant with Luke, I participated in Beth Moore's Believing God bible study at my church.  And it rocked.my.spiritual.world.  I learned the difference between just believing in God and believing God.  In the study, her teaching focused a lot on God's leading of his people to their much talked about promised land.  She spoke of how when the Bible was written, there was a literal piece of land that was the Israelite's promised land.  However, for us today, the spiritual seed of Abraham, we have our own spiritual promised lands that God is leading us to over the course of our life.  She spoke about how in different seasons of life, we may have different promised lands, but with absolute certainty, we all have them and to arrive in them requires submission, obedience, prayer and willingness to God and HIS plans and timing for our lives.  (Please check out her study and listen to her teaching on this topic.  I promise I am no where CLOSE to doing it justice with my brief summary here.  It is incredible and filled with so many lessons I continue to re-listen to and re-learn to this very day).

Anyways, in one part of the study, she taught from Joshua about the Israelite's crossing of the Jordan river (Joshua chapters 3-4). In this story, the Israelites were, crossing the Jordan at flood stage and God had parted the waters for them to pass through on dry ground.  A miracle that only he could accomplish.  With the waters raging on either side of them, God told his people to cross over and for specific people to take up a stone from the middle of the river that they would use to build a memorial altar to God on the other side.  Their own ebenezers if you will.

The 'middle' is a dangerous place to pause while on a difficult journey, because you are neither close to where you started or close to where you are going- you are right in between.  A lot of crisis can happen in the middle of things...and isn't it interesting that God chose the middle of the Jordan as the place he wanted them to pick up stones- I like to think it is because he wanted to remind them in a place of potential crisis, that He was still with them, helping them, and wanted to remind them that they were going to live to tell the story about their journey someday.  It is like God wanted them to really sear their memory of this particular challenging moment in their journey by taking up a stone from the middle.

God wanted these stones to be used as a prompting to remind them to tell their children about how God showed up BIG and delivered them safely to their promised land against all odds.  Beth taught that God is still in the business of delivering his people to their promised lands.  We just have to yield to His voice speaking in our hearts.  In my experience, it is not only sometimes difficult to hear his voice, for he often speaks in a whisper, but often times, the reality of capturing our promised lands feels impossible because we have to wage battles against doubt, fear, opposition from ourselves and others as well as lies the Enemy whispers that cut us to the quick all along the way. This "impossible" view of our promised land is exactly how Satan wants us to see them- seemingly impossible to possess.

However, God's word tells a different story.  His word is filled with stories of people trusting Him, yielding to him and surrendering to His will and in exchange for their faithfulness and obedience against all odds, their God sized dreams became real.  To God be the glory....not man.  For God, nothing is impossible.

So returning back to my story here, (thank you for still reading it by the way! I know it is crazy long!) One day a few months ago,  Lily and I were on a walk through the neighborhood of beautiful mansions I mentioned way back at the beginning of this series.   Along one of our favorite walking routes, I noticed that one of my favorite homes we regularly pass was getting ready to go on the market..it had the familiar "Coming Soon" sign in the yard.  Feeling neck deep in our own home-selling saga, I secretly wondered how long it would take for these people to sell their beautiful home.  Not more than one week after it finally went on the market, a "SOLD" sign went up in the yard and I could literally feel my sinful, prideful, human heart sink when I saw the sign as we approached.  While I could feel glad for the people inside that they were not having to struggle the way we were, it was simply another confirmation that homes were selling and people were moving on with their lives, just not us.

Fast forward a few weeks later, while passing again by the very same house, I noticed a sign in the yard that said they were having a moving sale that day.  I felt a little nudge in my heart to stop in, and to look for a "memorial stone" of my own to commemorate this difficult season of waiting.  I felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me that I would recognize my "ebenezer stone" when I saw it.  It seemed fitting to get it at a moving sale from a home we had watched be bought and sold within a matter of a few days...our own still-unrealized dream for our little place...so much the same, yet so very different from our own story.

Lily and I headed in, and not only were the people who owned the home lovely (as I imagined they would be), but so was the home (they actually had part of the sale inside their house! Wow!).  I wandered around looking at all of their beautiful things (but sadly, pretty pricy for your typical yard sale) and kept my eyes open for what I was supposed to be looking for, confident that I would know it when I saw it...and I did.  There tucked toward the back of a large table in the corner was my "stone."  It was little, shiny, simple, pretty and I loved it.

I was excited to discover it, happy that I had obeyed the nudge from God to go in and find something to commemorate this journey of refinement and total dependency upon Him.  I brought it home and filled it with water and put some flowers in it and said to myself, "Thus far, the Lord has helped us."   It now sits on the little table in the front room at the end of my couch.  I pass by it probably a hundred times a day and each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's faithfulness to not only the Israelites all of those centuries ago, but also in my life like this summer when forward progress has seemed near impossible.

He is the same God as he was back then.  He is the same God on days we have two showings as he is on days when we have none.  He is a loving God and he is faithful.  That is where we are today.  I purchased this little ebenezer about eight weeks ago now and it still reminds me of His faithfulness and that is what I'm choosing to focus my heart on these days as we wait with wonder and expectancy.  His faithfulness...through the generations, through the years, through the months and in each one of these days.  My heart is open and my soul is watching.  He is faithful.  He is faithful.  He is faithful. Praise Him, he is faithful.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; 

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

-Psalm 100:5

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer - Part 5

Our beloved little house has been on the market now for more than a few months and I have the heavy, discouraged heart to prove it.  These past few months have been extremely difficult for me, despite the smile I may give when asked about it.  I have felt discouraged, sad, depressed, hopeful, energized and defeated over and over, day after day throughout this journey.  I have struggled with how to pray about it as I feel all prayed out on this topic, yet I know that is the only thing I can proactively do and I know that at times, my prayers on this topic have been less than compelling or surrender-y.  Much to my difficulty, this process has been one giant lesson in humility and servanthood as I continue to clean, wait and practice good stewardship of this home we have been blessed to call our home.  (* I realize that these lessons are not "bad" lessons per se- but they have just felt less than great to me....*)
 
The number of hours I have spent trying to figure out what we are doing "wrong" is straight up embarrassing.  I know we are not being punished.  Refined, sifted, strengthened, remade- yes, but punished, no.  I know that God has HIS timing for all of this.  He has HIS purposes for this season.  He is working all of this for HIS good and HIS glory.  He waits patiently for me to surrender, bow low and bring him glory through this.  He is worthy, no question.  However, there are just days when it feels easier for my heart to acknowledge that than others.  I hate admitting that, but it is true.  I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum sometimes- just sitting down on this path and beating my fists into the dirt with tears running down my cheeks in anger and frustration.   He is patient with me.  He is kind to me.  I must fully surrender to him and to acknowledge He is Lord in this -all the time...not just when I'm feeling good, things are going my way or when I'm feeling especially humble or weak.  I know and believe He holds so much richness for me in this season, yet I am struggling with a stubbornness born of unbelief and revealing lack of trust which is preventing me from experiencing it.  And I hate it.  My faith tank feels empty and is in desperate need of refilling.

The question that keeps coming up for me is, do I believe God is good and working events in my life for good even when things are not going my way yet again?  My answer is of course, yes.  I do.  I just have to keep reminding myself because it is so much easier to be depressed, negative, cynical, complain, be frustrated, disappointed, wallow, cry, indulge in self-pity and turn inward offering superficial "fines" to those who ask.   I am seeing a lot of selfishness bubbling up to the surface in my life and it is far from the woman I know God desires me to be.  I have a long history of examples in my life of things not going my way or the way I had hoped.  However, along with that long list of examples, I also have a parallel list where God has stepped up and revealed His faithfulness and majesty in ways that have far surpassed my wildest imaginings.  

I am a girl in desperate need of remembering God's faithfulness to me through the years, over the mountains we have climbed together and down the paths through refining fires where he has led me.  I am on one of those paths here in this season.  I have been in denial, not wanting to face the refinement that God holds for me in this season.  I have been trying to hide my heart here because my ugly pride is being revealed in a real and pubic way through the non-sale of our home.  Such a simple, normal experience for many, yet for me it has been a HUGE stumbling block.  One God is gently letting me know He wants/needs to deal with- I must submit to his creative mending ways.  He wants to hold me close, reshape and tenderly remake me- reminding me who He is in my life...my creator, the giver of all good things.  


God is the one who provided me with this lovely home so many years ago.  His provision, His gifting, His lovingness toward me in a season when I deeply needed it.  In my examination of my heart here in this season, I can see how in a way, I was secretly hoping to be able to brag about and maybe even (horrifyingly) taken credit for the quick sale of our home. (...It was my decor, paint selections, how clean it is that sold the buyers etc).  I was trying to take credit for what would truly be God's work and I am so ashamed to confess this.  It is the ugly truth I have been hiding in my heart and how I came to recognize that this whole process has turned into an idol in my heart.  Until now, it has been all about me, not about Thee.  He is faithful- always has been.  I'm sad to say, I have fallen far short on returning the affection.

What I can tell you with certainty is that God is in control here.  Not me.  His ways are at play,  not mine.  His timing.  Not mine.  He is the same God on days where we have multiple showings as he is on days when we have none.  I know that seeking Him and Him ONLY is where I need to train my focus.  I do not know why God has held us here for as long as he has, but I know He does.


  ...to be continued....

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer -part 4

Winter came and went with its weeks rolling into months.  Spring arrived and we were back on the market at the beginning of April 2012.  My spirits were high, and my hopes even higher.  I was more ready than ever for people to come and see our place and to get moving into our new home- wherever that might be.  I felt confident that perhaps now was the right time- springtime in the Midwest is beautiful and typically the best time to buy and sell homes.  Like I said, I was ready, only this time, I was reluctant to ask God if HE was ready for us to move.  I prayed, but to be honest, they were half-hearted and guarded prayers when it came to the subject of selling our house.

I increasingly found myself surrounded by well meaning friends who each had a story of someone they knew selling their home within days of it being on the market.  In a secret part of my heart, I so desperately wanted to have that kind of story to tell- a God story.  A miracle story of how everything just fell into place and worked out, or a bidding war transpiring, or somehow in this dismal housing market, we managed to make money on our house.  I wanted to be able to speak of our experience to others with a wisdom of experience, easily sharing kind compliments given our home by all of the potential buyers who raced in upon noticing it was for sale.  I wanted to just not have to worry.  I wanted to have the confidence that God was in this with us... Aside from some kind compliments from former potential buyers, I have experienced none of the above.
 
There is no question in my heart that God has been using this experience of trying to sell our home teach me humility.  It is now nearing the middle of July, and while we have had lots of traffic in, no one has fallen in love with our little place.  All of the feedback has been positive about the house itself and its appearance, but there is always just one little thing (basement, school nearby etc) that brings people to their decision to continue looking elsewhere.  And every time that feedback has come in, it has broken my heart a little bit and in a small way, my spirit too.  Trying to keep a house semi-picked up, ready for a possible showing at a moment's notice with a one year old naturally bent on mess-making in the house is exhausting...both physically and emotionally. 


Waiting for a phone call that someone wants to see our house and trying to keep the place semi-ready has slowly become my day's work-  and each day that passes without movement toward our goal of moving causes me to feel more and more discouraged, purposeless and frustrated.... 

...to be continued....

pride, humility, our house and my ebeneezer- Part 3

our tree...the branch that was on the ground was 40-50 feet long and almost fifteen feet high!

About eight days after putting our house on the market last summer, a big storm (a literal microburst) hit our neighborhood.  We had extensive tree damage which in turn damaged the electrical tower on the side of our house, which ripped out the gutters as it fell down.  Lots of damage, but not to the actual structure of the home, thank heavens!  We were so thankful for our safety, but very discouraged as we had to remove our house from the market for the six weeks that it took for all of the repairs, appraisals, bids, inspections etc. to all happen.  We learned a lot about home repair during those weeks, but my heart was so discouraged as we just sat, stagnant in the moving process yet again.  I could not help but recall my almost flippant prayer prayed mere weeks before asking God to make it clear if we were not supposed to have our house on the market right now....and boy, did I feel like he had answered.  I was extremely discouraged, cranky and impatient as we waited for all of the repairs to be completed.  I could not understand why God seemed to be causing/allowing this process to be so difficult for us-myself in particular.  I am blessed to be married to a very patient and faithful man who has the biggest go-with-the-flow laid back personality I have ever encountered.  The man rarely gets ruffled.  It is a great counter balance to my own nature which is to worry, dwell, order things, plan, control, strive, structure, and prepare...usually in my own strength as I'm learning...(which is an entirely different post for another day!) But you get the idea.  I was dying a slow death emotionally, mentally and spiritually living in limbo like that.  Waiting, unsure of what was ahead, unclear about where we were moving and just stuck waiting on God's timing. I felt completely unsettled and unhappy- And that was almost a year ago now!)

Despite the perceived "no" from God about our timing for having our house on the market, we were under a contract with our realtor, so repairs were completed, and inspections passed bringing us back onto the market in early October just short of two months after the storm - not really the prime season for buying and selling homes in the midwest (think Spring).  (Especially ones with yards sizzled to a crisp after a long, hot, dry mid-western summer and fall!)  In mid-November, we took it off the market for the winter and holidays.  I did not want to try and keep our place looking staged and immaculate over the busy holiday season.  We were still not moving.  I had packed away most of our Christmas decorations thinking that we would easily be in our new place by Christmas- only here we were, still in our little place.  I was disappointed, and honestly a little bit depressed but still determined to try and make the best of it- especially since it was going to be Lily's first Christmas with us.

I immediately felt better when we took our place off the market that November. Especially in the sense that I felt we could finally start living our lives again.  Not having to keep things ultra tidy around the house, not straying too far away from home on the off chance that someone would want to come by and see the house at a moment's notice.  It was freeing to let go of the hope and expectation for things to change.  To not have that disappointment/struggle immediately on my mind all. the.time.  I realized that it was only for the season, but I was enjoying the reprieve.  Looking back on that time, I can clearly see that my relief was so acute because I think I had convinced myself that we had not sold our place because it was not the right the time of year for our house to be on the market...if we just held on for spring, things would move much quicker. I was in control again...my plans. My timing. My strength.   I was so focused on myself, my thoughts, my perceptions, my struggles, that my heart had turned this whole home selling/moving process into no less than idol.  Only I did not realize I had long strayed into this dangerous territory yet....

....to be continued...