Adoption Update: Profile and Home Study are Finished!

It has been a few months since I have updated here about our adoption process (or anything else for that matter! Ha!)  But I wanted to document all that has been happening, so we always have a record of this part of our journey toward our newest little love.  These past few months have been challenging, I'm not going to lie.  Not in the sense of actual difficulty, but at times, keeping up the mental and emotional energy to keep plugging toward the goal of being "officially ready" has been difficult.  It felt like just when one aspect was completed, another big thing was in line, or things had to be edited, proofed, re-submitted etc.  There were many elements in motion all at the same time which felt a little exhausting too because I never felt that anything was ever finished....

We have been beyond blessed to have worked with some amazing and I mean AMAZING people along the way and I'm excited to tell you about them.  When you are fortunate to work with people who know what they are doing and who do it really well...it takes a lot of pressure off to feel like you have to have things all figured out because you can actually trust someone who knows the way to help guide you through your own unknown.  What a gift this discovery has been along this path.

Back in October, in addition to working on completing our home study paperwork, I began researching what are called family profiles.  As we have learned, a prospective adoptive family puts together what is called a profile about themselves which includes dozens of photos and what is known in adoption circles as a "Dear Birth Mother" letter.  This profile "booklet" is what is presented to potential birth mothers when they are making a decision for their child's adoption plan.  It is basically our most important, life-altering first impression that we will ever make!  No pressure.

The photos you include in this book tell the story of your family, your history, your interests, your home, your hobbies, your friends and family...and included along with these photos is your 'Dear Birth Mother' letter which is a letter you write telling the prospective birth mother about your family and how you will raise her child and why she should pick you as her child's forever family.  It is an incredibly difficult letter to write and it took me WEEKS to write ours.  As I worked on our letter, I researched and learned that some adoptive families make their own profile books while others hire a professional to put theirs together.  I spent a lot of time looking online at people's profiles as well as researching companies who help adoptive families with this online.  We finally landed on hiring a professional to make our profile.  It just made sense to us to have someone else help us with this as the more I pondered this, the more 'in the weeds' I felt.  I was getting overwhelmed by the enormity of its potential impact on our lives and knew if I was in charge of making it, I would never finish....the tweaking could/would potentially go on forever! When we spoke with Sharon from Forever Family Designs, it made our choice to hire her a cinch.  We loved her work and she, herself was fantastic. (You can click on the link above and find out more about her, see some of her samples and learn a little bit about her passion for what she does.)

Sharon was AWESOME to work with.  She gave us some tips, some feedback, she edited some of our photos, she has an incredible eye for design and was so patient and professional throughout the process.  We basically submitted hundreds of photos to her (so she could choose the ones she thought were best), as well as our completed 'Dear Birth Mother' letter and she went to work.  She sent us a variety of proofs and mock ups and we gave her feed back on what we liked, did not like, fonts, photos etc, and she would tweak it based on our feedback and then would send us another proof and on and on and back and forth it went for the creative process for each of the 12 pages.  She was 100% focused on making sure we loved our profile, and in the end, we absolutely do love it.  She  helped us learn about how to print them and even hooked us up with one of her favorite professional printers to use which was a relief for us to not have to research that as well.  All in all, the process took almost two months, but that included several out of town trips for us, sick kiddos on both sides, the Thanksgiving holiday, she moved in the middle of it (and never missed a beat!) and just a general busy time of year for everyone.  She was absolutely wonderful to work with, we were THRILLED with the finished product.  It goes without saying that we would recommend her to anyone looking for help in this area in a heart beat! 

On November 18, 2013, we had our home visit portion of our home study.  This entailed a friendly social worker, Miss Rachel, from our chosen local agency, Adoption and Beyond, Inc.  coming to our home, interviewing us (individually and together), meeting Lily, watching us interact with her, touring our home, and just spending time getting to know us.  I was not really nervous about this meeting because in my mind, we are a normal family with nothing to hide, Lily is a great little girl and our home is safe, spacious and warm, so I was not too concerned about "passing" more just about getting it behind us so we could continue down the path.  Overall, it was an actually pleasant morning.  The appointment lasted almost three hours.  At the end, she told us what to expect next as far as the preparing of our official home study documentation and time lines etc.  We were super excited to be over this next hurdle in the process and that much closer to having this all-important piece of paperwork/documentation ready for our adoption.

It was Christmas time when our home study was officially-official and done and it was just before Christmas when our profile was officially completed, so we had the two most important portions of our paperwork completed.  Now all that remained was the giant stack of paperwork for our adoption consultants we hired.  I will fill you in more about them in my next update...  the important thing, was that we were finally getting SUPER close to being "active" where we could be presented to potential birth mothers and potentially finally meet our little sweet pea.... 

We Are Five!

It was five years ago today that we said "I do" in front of friends and family.  It was February outside but June in our hearts.  Worried about winter storms, we had plans A, B and C in our pockets for how we were going to get married in case of a blizzard, but thanks to God's gift of 70 degree weather outside (Hello, unheard of in the Midwest in February!) we grabbed plan A, promised our hearts biggest promises to each other in a beautiful church, even took some outdoor photos and danced into the night as man and wife.  

We had no idea what was ahead as no one does when they say "I do..."  We just knew we were going to be together and that was all that mattered.  Five job changes, one big move, the loss of our precious son, the birth of our beautiful daughter, the loss of five beloved elder members as well as the addition of twelve young cousins to our family, our years long struggle with infertility and now the upcoming adoption of our next child...  It is hard to see the curveballs that life will bring, but it is comforting to know whose hand I have held and will continue to hold around all of the corners in my future.

I love you, Joe.  Thank you for loving me so well. We made it to five!  xxoo

August and Everything After.... Part 7 - The Summit and Lessons Learned

Hi Friends. It is me, the worst blogger in the world.  I hope you are well and I cannot thank you enough for stopping by here again after all this time!  Seriously.  You have no idea what it means to me that you are even checking this blog after all that has not happened here this past year! You may (or may not for that matter) be glad to know, I am working to remedy that in 2014.

You may have also thought that I forgot I was in the middle of telling you a story that I started MONTHS ago...but I did not!  Here is the next installment and if you need a refresher on what was happening when we left off (and I would not blame you!) you can get caught up here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6

...so here we go...on up the mountain...

A glimpse of the beauty through the incoming clouds letting us know the weather was about to change...

By this point in our hike, we could now see the top and although it looked close, it was actually still quite a ways away.  But we were re-energized by seeing our summit- our goal was in sight and we were close.  We knew we were going to make it.  As we got closer, our friends who had been celebrating on the summit for almost an hour now, began shouting genuine encouragements and applauding us as we approached.  It was humbling but also one of the most beautiful, embracing feelings I have ever felt.  Their offering of encouragement equipped our empty tanks with the extra emotional fuel we needed to make it....this was not an individual accomplishment. Just as in life, we need others beside us on the path to hold our hands or our hearts, to wipe our tears and celebrate our joys and our triumphs with us.    

Almost there!

There was no judgement, no laughing, everyone genuinely just wanted us to get there so we could celebrate together...we were a family of friends that God had brought together and it was never more clear to me than as I tripped, struggled and dragged my way to the top to join them in our collective achievement celebration.  

Taking in the beauty...it stopped your heart it was so incredible!

My memories of this hike on this day are exceptionally vivid.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks long before we got to the top and I could not stop them even if I had tried. I had conquered every fiber in my body and mind that was telling me to quit, the voices of doubt that whispered I did not have what it took to accomplish this goal.  I had defeated the lies screaming in my head every step of the way that I was humiliating myself and that I should just give up.  The lies that whispered unworthiness, the ones that touched every deep wound of my heart past and present.  In reaching the top, I had pushed through absolute physical weakness to a place where I felt physically victorious and mentally unbeatable.  It was AMAZING.

Hooray for Group #3!

There was victory in my spirit for not having given up and for struggling through every bump, scrape, disgrace and embarrassment along the way.  I knew it was the absolute most difficult experience I had ever physically and mentally faced and I had battled through to victory.  So there I stood (I did not dare sit down for fear of never getting back up!)  celebrating with my dear friends and most of all with God on the highest point in Colorado.  I had never felt closer to Him or more victorious in my life.  I felt a realization and truth growing in my heart that I was stronger than even I understood there in that moment.  Looking back over my journey these past seven years, I KNOW God used that mountain experience to teach me deep powerful lessons about myself that I have called upon time and again as I have faced some of my darkest and most challenging moments I never imagined possible.

We took our photos, cried some big tears, hugged some big hugs and called our families (you actually get cell service up there!) I could barely speak I was crying so hard when I spoke to my parents that day.  It was impossible to communicate the depth of experience I had just been through- I had done something that felt impossible for me and I no longer cared about how I looked struggling up the side of the mountain, or what others might think of me and my now VERY visible and obvious weaknesses...but you know what? They did not care about that- these were rock star friends who cared only about encouraging and supporting. I knew that beyond a doubt after reaching the top.

As I fought my way out of the cocoon of doubt, fear, worry, weakness, anxiety and more fear while climbing, I discovered with God's gentle hand that day that I was free and I was brave and probably most important that I was also strong....and that He had already known those things about me all along....I just could not accept or believe them about myself until I battled those enemies with my own sweat, struggle and tears.  I stood on top of Mt. Elbert that afternoon and finally believed these truths about myself and that experience has changed my life forever. I can do this.  It may not be pretty, but I can do it

my lovely friend, Jen...

I also learned that when standing on a mountain top, you see MORE mountains...as far as the eye can see.  That seems like a no-brainer statement, but when you apply that truth to life, you realize how true it is.  Very rarely is a giant mountain standing alone surrounded by lush and lovely meadows.  No, they are surrounded by other mountains, separated by steep ravines and deep, shadowed valleys.  Life is a series of mountains we climb, struggles we overcome, battles we fight, victories we celebrate and beautiful views along the way. I  did not know it that day, but God showed me that I had what it took to face down challenges I never thought I could survive....a truth I would cling to as I began to battle my way climbing mountains in my life called 'singleness', 'Joe', 'marriage,' 'job loss,' 'pregnancy', 'Luke,' 'pregnancy after loss,' 'motherhood,' 'infertility,' 'adoption,'...and on and on it will go.  

Starting back down in the sleet and rain...

After about fifteen minutes, we had to start heading back down because weather was heading in and we needed to descend as quickly as we could in order to be out of danger.  It was not a fast descent by any stretch, but we stayed in motion pretty much the whole way down.  Physically going down was much more painful and difficult, but the endorphins I had surging within went a long way to offer me energy and endurance.  I remember marveling at the view as we walked down in a single file line.  Even when it started sleeting for a little bit, it was breathtaking.  

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The way down was challenging, but also fun...I felt light and smiley both inside and out....even as I watched Joe and his girlfriend hike down together. I cared, but I didn't really in that moment.  It was about me in that moment- my personal victory, not them anymore- if that makes any sense.  I was living my mountaintop high.   My poor friend, Ginger struggled with altitude sickness, which made her hike down treacherous and awful, but overall, spirits were high as we returned to our cars, our condos and eventually our normal lives after the trip.

taking a break...

The next day, we all caravanned back home, back to our real lives, back to reality.  Joe and I did not speak the rest of the trip and actually did not speak to one another for months afterwards.  We still moved in the same circles of friends, but we kept a distance from one another.

Roses waiting for me from my parents when I got home...

My heart still missed him and what in my mind "could have been" but I had a newfound inner resolve - one only strengthened by my lessons learned on the mountain- to wait for the man God had chosen for me...whoever and where ever he might be, and to do that well meant staying far away from Joe...so that is what I did...until one day after eight months of not speaking to one another he called me out of the blue....

....to be continued.... 

(and I promise it will not take me 3 months before another post goes up!)   

I Don't Think They Celebrate Birthdays in Heaven But....

I am remembering my dear Grandma today....and do practically almost every day for that matter, but especially today.  She would have turned 100 years old today if she were still with us physically.  But I'm confident she is dancing and laughing, reading her Bible and rocking in her rocking chair on a porch in heaven...with her beloved dog, Dusty by her side.  I loved my Grandma dearly- adored her actually.  She loved Jesus, loved her family and loved her life- even though it was a hard life.  She was a farmer's wife who knew the reality of hard work and going without.  Yet, she always saw her cup as full, she spent long hours admiring the beauty in nature, kept her modest home tidy, could prepare a feast in her tiny kitchen, stayed busy but always -ALWAYS- had time for a long chat.  I really feel that I learned so much about who I am and who I want to become from her.  She continues to be one of the most influential women in my life.

She was the champion of little ones who didn't get much love or TLC at home and she volunteered to be a "reader" at the local elementary school and kids of all ages looked forward to reading to "Grandma Ellen" as she was affectionately known.  Grandma loved and lived with a servant's heart and spent her years following my grandpa's passing giving her life and resources away to those in need.  I remember her always reading her Bible, and striving to learn more about Jesus through books or teachings.  Grandma loved to share with me what she was learning about her Savior and how it was changing her life and was quick to want to know and hear about what I was learning as well.  Mother Theresa was her hero.  Grandma loved Honeybuns and when it came time to leave after a visit, she would always slip into your hand a little bit of carefully folded money...just because.  I loved to visit her because spending time with her always felt like how life was supposed to be lived.  Simple, slow, intentional, faithful and rich in love and laughter.

If you happened to be blessed enough to get to visit her home, she would stuff you full of the best food you've ever tasted, cover you with a warm blanket and tuck you in for a nap on her couch which still reigns as the most comfortable and best napping couch ever- ask anyone in my family.  She loved to take care of you...even if it was the first time you visited..you just felt right at home.  She served 7-Up floats on summer evenings, and she loved to watch a good storm roll in across the pasture (I know I inherited this love of storms and nature from her). She was always brimming with stories, but also quick to listen - and really hear- the ones you were sharing with her too.  She lived intentionally and with deep meaning.  She loved well and was also loved well by all who knew her.

She was a woman I adored and still miss to this day even though she passed many years ago.  It makes me sad that she never got to meet and love Joe (whom she would have adored) and of course Lily, who I know would have tickled her pink.  It does bring my heart tremendous comfort to know that she is snuggling, giggling with and rocking our sweet Luke in heaven. I can't wait to pull up a chair on that heavenly porch, sit next to Grandma and watch Luke run and laugh. I know she is still with me and I carry much of her shared wisdom with me today.  I stand on her shoulders, thanks to the heroic choices she made for herself and her family along the way. She was not a perfect woman, but she was a perfect Grandma who had tremendous influence on my life and who I am today.  I miss her and love her every day.

Happy Birthday, Grandma!  I love you.

An Adoption Update- Our Timeline and Home Study

Lily holding the completed folder of completed paperwork as we went to hand it in together....

Hello Friends,

First of all, I have to thank you for your kind comments, emails and notes surrounding our adoption news.  We are beyond grateful to have all of you to share this news with, your support and love increases our joy and hopeful anticipation exponentially.

Just like the imprint of God on our hearts making each one of us unique, every adoption story has its own unique imprint too.  I have just been marveling at that beautiful revelation recently.  I love that we are part of a story that is bigger than we are and that there is an unfolding that is taking place right here in these minutes and days leading us to our next baby.  It is with that cognizance that I want to take time to remember where we are today and where we have already walked on this path.  I liken it to taking a break on the mountain and actually pausing to look back where you have been to marvel at how far He has brought you through his faithfulness and our hard work.  It's beautiful every time you take the moments to notice.

Here is our timeline so far...

Mid-May 2013, We learned that another biological baby was not going to be joining our family

Mid-May to Mid-July- We spent time being sad, quiet and still.  We wanted to listen for the still small voice telling us which way to go...

Mid-July 2013- Joe and I had an important conversation over dinner in Colorado where we shared that we both felt that God was opening our hearts to adoption and decided to begin researching how to best go about adding to our family through adoption.

Mid-July-End of August 2013- I began spending every spare moment during nap time and every evening after bedtime researching adoption.  I am not going to lie, it has felt at times like I have landed in a foreign country where I do not speak the language and have no idea where to start learning.
Luckily for us, we have been blessed to come into contact with some amazing professionals and dear friends who have helped us learn a little bit about the lay of the land.

We spent this time learning about the ins and outs of domestic and international adoption, different kinds of agencies, learning about the different roles of the professionals involved in adoption, researching adoption expenses, researching fund raising ideas, reading blogs and trying to make sense of it all.  We also began talking to our friends who have adopted both domestically and internationally. We asked questions, we took notes, we shared meals, we hosted play dates and we dove into some of the personal and scary questions we had in our hearts about the prospect of adoption.  These friends we leaned on during this question asking phase were beyond honest, open and transparent with us about their experiences.  We took all of their recommendations to heart and spent time putting the flood of new information into filters and categories that were gradually beginning to make sense to us.

I can easily see why/how people become overwhelmed when trying to decide about adoption.  It's scary.  It is unknown.  It is dependent upon so many 'strangers' along the way who's work and decisions will directly impact your life, and the biggest thing: it is a complete leap of faith and trust. You pray and pray and pray and learn and take it all in and then try and make the best decisions you possibly can for your family and trust God to lead you down the right path to your child. It is overwhelming to think about from the 'big picture' perspective- of all that has to happen for it to work out, but we believe that our God is the God of miracles and hope and possibility and we are trusting him with each step and dollar we are investing in our family.  We long to be obedient to where he is calling us- no matter how big of a mountain it may be simply by taking it one step at a time.

August 26, 2013, We met with a local adoption agency to learn about their services and to start our home study paperwork.  We knew we wanted to hire them to help us with our home study based on other's recommendations and our own research.  We ultimately decided not to use them as our official adoption agency (more on that decision later).  However, this agency is staffed with wonderful people and has been a rich, ongoing resource of information for us during this process.

August 27, 2013- We officially began working on our home study paperwork.  I have been asked by so many what all is involved in this process, so here is a little synopsis. (** Of course it goes without saying that all of the information in this post is based on our experiences and opinions, and is purely subjective based on our family's preferences).  A home study for those who may not know is an official document that is required for EVERY adoption.  (I think it would be better called a 'people' study)  As you make the decision to adopt, this is the first thing that has to be accomplished before anything else can be started.  The experts say that this process can take anywhere from 3-6 months for it to be completed.  Of course this time line was discouraging to me because we had just decided that we were ready to adopt and in my mind that meant- ASAP!  So to have that timeline in front of us felt like an eternity - and just for paperwork!  I was determined that we could get it done faster than that.  :) (Type A, structured, task personality rising up!)

But what I have realized is that they were right.  Here we are in almost mid- November and having worked diligently for weeks and now months - and we are STILL not finished with it!  Our paperwork portion was the first half.  We were given a notebook with detailed and specific instructions of what was required.  This included obtaining copies of our legal paperwork (birth certificates, death certificates, marriage, divorce etc) as well as copies of all of our licenses, social security, taxes, insurance policies, etc.  Simple enough, I had that done in two days.  Then there are piles of paper work to fill out about ourselves, our family, our parents, our family of origin, our siblings, our employment, background checks on the state and federal level, physicals for everyone, documentation for EVERYTHING.  We had to obtain a number of personal and professional references from a variety of people to submit.  Then there was the autobiography section where we had to answer over 100 questions about our life and our perspectives on topics ranging from our childhood, our parent's marriage to our greatest disappointments and our thoughts on parenting, birth parents and adoption and our dreams etc.  Those autobiographical statements are written individually by each of us and are expected to be between 10-15 pages single spaced - each.  Needless to say, it took a lot of time to answer those questions thoughtfully and articulately.  Factor in life, work, illness, travel, family events, out of town guests and well...it just takes time and surrender to the process.

We then had all of the preference questions about the kind of child we would like to welcome into our family.  This was extremely difficult for us to complete and required a lot of research and learning about various potential situations a child could bring to our family based on their own genetic make up and pre-natal exposures.  We knew that the more specific we were the longer our adoption process would likely take, so we wanted to weigh each scenario very carefully.  It was heart wrenching to think that each scenario represented a child, a family, a birth mother or father...

We were required to take some online training classes as well as attend a class and read some books too.  We have discovered that this process -as demanding as it has been- has all been extremely beneficial for us.  We have had some amazing conversations about our family and dreams and I truly believe that we have grown so much closer as a result of having to go through these rigorous steps.  I continue to marvel at how much there is to learn and am realizing that we are stepping into a lifetime of learning as a family.  We also took tons of photos of our family and our home and compiled them along with all of these documents and turned them in on October 29, 2013.  And that was only the completion of the first half of the home study!

In a little over a week, we begin the second half of the home study.  We have the interview and home visit with our social worker who has been assigned to us and who will be working to complete our home study.  She will visit our home and interview us as a family, meet Lily, speak to Joe and I individually and look at our house to make sure it is child-friendly and a safe place for a child to live. After that, she writes everything up into our official report (which takes another 3-4 weeks) and THEN our home study will be completed.  It will be valid for one year from that time before it needs to be updated and renewed, so the clock starts officially starts ticking the moment it is completed.  

A pic of us at the agency after being told that our submitted packet of paperwork was complete!

August and Everything After- Part 6 - Counting to 10

It was our first "official"break (even though I had already stopped "to take in the views" a handful of times) and the place was called "The Lake of Clouds."  It was stunningly beautiful.  We were just at tree line and the sun was officially up.  Everyone had been resting for a while by the time I arrived in all of my huffing and puffing glory.  I gulped my water down.  I had packed three large water bottles in my backpack and I swear, water had never tasted so good...but I had to be careful and ration it which was hard to do when I felt like drinking the whole thing.  The bad thing about being the last in line is that by the time you actually get there and start "resting" everyone else who has been resting already, is ready to get going again!  I snapped a few photos and tried to regain some composure.  

This is my friend, Woody.  (Sometimes I still like to call him Saint Woody because of all he did to help me and a handful of others up the mountain). He is awesome and will forever be one of my favorite people because of the way he helped me on this hike....some more on that later.  I will just say, that from this point in our hike onward, he designated himself as the last person in line for the rest of the hike.  Not because he was slow or out of shape.  Quite the opposite, he is a tremendous athlete and a great hiker.  But he just felt that it was important that no one besides him would have the distinguishing title of being "last."  Believe me, to those of us trading places along the trail toward the back of the line, this was a tremendous blessing.  What I was also about to learn about Woody first hand, was he has an incredible servant's heart and a huge gift of encouragement. (I am making this hike sound like it was a race or something, it was absolutely not and it did not feel like it.  But what it felt like was an intense magnifying glass of separation between those who struggled physically, mentally and emotionally with the physical demands of the hike and those who did not).  A few of us toward the end of the line were not used to having a hard time completing something we had actually "prepared" for...so, you get the idea.

Anyways, on we hiked.  Spirits were still high and everyone was having fun.  Upon leaving the trees, we began to have some incredible views.  You can literally see for miles when you are climbing a mountain and it takes your breath away when you stop to look up and take it all in.  The "fast" group was rapidly becoming a small moving herd in the distance...way far up ahead on the trail.  Individuals were not able to be distinguished and they just looked like ants.  The "slower" group was where I was, (clearly!) still toward the back as we spread out single file hiking upwards....Joe and his girlfriend leading the way with ease.  

The next phase of the hike is kind of a blur for me.  I remember the sunshine, the trail winding up and around rock formations, over "hills" on the mountain's side, and just the beautiful views all around us. Based on our views, it seemed like the summit could not be that much farther up the trail because we were so high up in comparison to the mountains around us, but I was way off on that assumption.  

When we stopped for a quick drink here and there, looking back and seeing how far we had come from where we had started was inspiring and also an encouragement to continue going forward, even though it was getting harder and harder to maintain a good clip of forward motion.

It was during this time, that two people in the group stopped hiking.  There was a rule that no one could quit alone.  No one would be left by themselves on the trail, it was way too dangerous.  So luckily, two people had gone far enough in their minds and stopped climbing.  I remember looking back at them from farther on up the mountain and we could see them sitting down beside the trail on the mountain savoring the view and just relaxing in the sunshine.  I was jealous of how fun that looked, but also determined to continue forward.

There were a few more group stops throughout these hours of climbing, similar to before, where the majority of the group would get to the "resting place" long before those of us struggling toward the end of the pack would, leaving us little time to catch our breath and get a drink before the "group" was ready to continue onward.... it was defeating in so many ways to walk up to the resting crew, panting, huffing and puffing, sweating and struggling, to hear "Good job, guys!" or "You can do it, Sarah..." from Joe the encourager/leader of that group (and others too, but for some reason, his voice was the one that grated on my nerves because despite all of his kindness and genuine encouragement, my pride was dying a slow painful death).  He was getting a full view of what he was "missing out on" and I had to believe it was not a pretty sight which made the awkward situation even worse in my mind and heart.  He was only doing his job as the group leader/encourager (which he did for everyone else too- not just me), but it only made me want to strangle him and start my own group. (We can and do laugh about this now but I was NOT laughing then....)

That eventually did happen...not the me strangling him part, but as the hike wound its way on up the trial, the slowest of the slow group eventually got slower and slower and slower until we became a third group.  The slowest.  It was actually a little bit freeing because now we were moving at our pace and not the faster pace of the "slower" group.  Joe was officially not in my group any longer and I was free to suffer and struggle and battle against the mountain as needed without a thought of how I must appear.  There were 5 of us in this third group...Woody, another kind hearted, encourager and self-appointed group 3 member named David, Jessica, our sweet pal Ginger and me.  These were my peeps.  They did not let me quit and I did not let them quit.  Luckily for us, none of us wanted to quit at the same time otherwise we literally would not have made it.  We gritted our teeth, gulped our water and stumbled forward and upward together.

My view for a large part of the hike...eyes down, focused on my next steps and on breathing!  I took this photo because I knew I wanted to remember it.

What I remember most about this time in our small group 3, was counting to ten.  Literally out loud.  We were so exhausted, discouraged, not feeling well and struggling, that it was absolutely all we could do to take literally ten steps and then stop for about 30 seconds and then take another ten steps.  I am not being dramatic.  This is the truth.  I have no idea what the view looked like during this time because my eyes were focused on the ground and on the back of the boots in front of me.  Just counting to ten over and over.  We lost sight of the others in group 2 as they continued on out of sight.  It was incredibly difficult but we were all determined to make it and when one of us drooped in will or spirits, the others swooped in to offer encouraging words and the reminder, "Just take another ten steps and then take a break.  You can do it."  And it was just like that that we tackled the tallest mountain in Colorado...ten literal steps at a time...baby steps in hiking for sure.  We just stayed in the fight and did not give up...and it was not a pretty sight.  Did I mention that already? Our nerves, bodies, minds and spirits were stretched THIN yet, we had a looonnnggg ways to go yet.

I remember having a hard time (I know! Literally nothing was easy for me about this hike-) with not being able to see the top.  As a planner, I like to know where we are going and how long it is supposed to take to get there, so I know what to expect and can adjust expectations accordingly.  This was not the hike for someone like me- all I had was an endless trail of struggle before me with no end in sight.  I just felt like things were getting worse and worse as we went on, and I wanted to know that it HAD to end.  I just had no idea how or when or where!  It was killing me.  Looking back, I wonder now if God intentionally clouded my view of how much further I had to go, just like he does in real life, so I would not give up seeing the reality of how much harder it was going to get before it got better.

 I knew we had to be getting closer and closer- not close, but closer. Based on the views and our obvious altitude gain, and every now and again, we would catch wind of happy clapping sounds and yelling from the top by our rock star friends in the first group who were already there that were carried on the winds like a radio coming in and out of tune.  I personally could not see beyond the next ten steps.  It was killing me to continue walking into the unknown not knowing how much farther this difficulty and challenge was going to last. I did not think I was going to make it.  I thought about quitting every two steps.  I wanted to lay down on the trail and just sleep and actually catch my breath and just never get back up.  Group 3 refused to let me. Woody countered all of my negative talk about quitting with encouragement and reassurance.

(I also forgot to mention that somewhere along this part of the hike, a man in his 50s or 60s RAN UP the trail passing us and then later RAN BACK DOWN passing us AGAIN.  It was insanity at its finest.  I've never felt better about myself!  ha!)

By this time, Woody was carrying all of my water relieving me of those few extra pounds in my back pack.  I felt like puking every time I stopped and I just remember spitting and burping a LOT.  Did I mention that all dignity and graciousness had flown off the cliff a few hours back?  Woody was an absolute saint because he only encouraged and listened and acted like nothing was happening as Jessica, Ginger and I muddled through our own battles of self-doubt and struggle out loud and with one another.  I felt dehydrated, but I was gulping water every chance I got.  It was getting colder outside now because we were so high up in elevation.  Few words were spoken among us other than the occasional talk of quitting followed by encouraging words and counting our steps again.

foggy and no idea where we were heading next on this crazy trail...how much farther??

This was by far, the most difficult physical thing I had ever done in my entire life.  Right now, it was mind over body 100%.  At one point earlier in the hike, I had swallowed my last bit of pride and had called out to Joe asking him to shout back to me when he could see the top- the finish line because by this point, I was convinced I was not going to make it and that I would probably die here on this rocky trail- from frustration, exhaustion, embarrassment, and natural causes. I needed to know that this struggle was going to end and I had to ask him to help me hold onto the rope a little bit longer with the promise of a finish line.

To Joe's credit, he did just that.  He did not acknowledge my suffering or struggle or embarrassment but just promised to tell me when things were about to get better...and later when I heard his voice calling out to me from within the cloud bank we were now hiking through, his promise that he could see the finish line (and that there indeed was one) offered that final boost to my flagging body and spirits...  Group 2 had summited.

Group 3 still had a ways to go, and like in Vegas, everything seems so much closer than it really is..... but the reality was, that now, over 6 hours into our hike, I knew we were close and that we too were going to make it.....

August and Everything After - Part 5 - Hellloooo Mt. Elbert

As I'm navigating through this current season, I'm choosing to remember God's faithfulness to me in recent years.  It's strange, but my story with God, even though it started in my childhood, really began one August, just a few Augusts ago....

I am not sure of the exact time the alarm went off the day God changed my life, but I know it was somewhere in the early 4 o'clock hour if not earlier.  I also know I had not really slept more than 45 minutes the entire night because I was nervous.  One of the main events for this trip was a group hike up the tallest mountain in Colorado:  Mt. Elbert.  Everyone was really excited about it and we were meeting to caravan to the trail head which was approximately 45 minutes away.  It is a pretty big deal to climb what are commonly referred to as "The 14'ers" in Colorado- or the mountains whose summit's sit at an elevation higher than 14,000 feet.  There are many, and Mt. Elbert, located a little ways outside of Aspen, is the highest one of them all with a summit of: 14,433 feet. (If you are so inclined, you can read more about the 14'ers here). 

To be clear, when hiking a 14'er, the difficulty of the hike/mountain is not rated on summit elevation alone.  There are many factors that apply and there are many other 14'ers with a higher degree of difficulty whose summits have a lower elevation.  Mt. Elbert was chosen because it was a 14'er, and had a low degree (ie group friendly) of difficulty and was located near Aspen.  The trailhead even started around 10,000 feet elevation, so our total gain was "only" around 4200 feet or so.  Not too bad.  Having spent a part of every summer (practically) of my life in Colorado, I felt confident that this would be a beautiful hike only a little bit on the challenging side....after all, there was a clearly defined trail all the way to the top, it was rated a low degree of difficulty on paper and compared to some people on the trip, I had lots of hiking experience. (ahem.)

So our alarm went off early because when you are climbing a giant mountain, it is critical to start very early in order to be finished and off the mountain before the afternoon storms roll in...and they will roll in.  The weather can change in an instant and you want to be prepared- and when you are way up above the tree line, there is no shelter to be found and things can go from bad to life-threatening very quickly, so our goal was to start early.  Within our group, there were many who had climbed other 14'ers, so they had helped those of us who hadn't prepare mentally for what to expect with little tips and ways to dress etc.  The plan was for there to be two groups going up the mountain: a faster group, and a slower group.  There were pre-designated experienced hiker/leaders for each group identified, so that way if/when the two groups got separated, there were people to lead, encourage and help.  I knew that Joe was the designated leader of the slower group (not because he is slow, but because he is very patient and encouraging.  Because, lets be serious, hiking with Joe is like hiking with a mountain goat or gazelle- he is a complete natural...and I was about to learn this about him first hand.)

I was nervous for many reasons: I had never done anything like this in my life and did not know what to expect, I had not hiked in quite a while, I was profoundly out of shape and suddenly that made me feel scared, I was nervous about using the "bathroom" on the mountain, I was nervous about looking bad, I was worried about looking dumb/inexperienced in front of Joe and all of my other friends, I would be spending the entire day with Joe and his girlfriend all around me (no separate activities today!) which made my heart sink and my stomach lurch,  and since I could not slow my mind down to sleep the night before, I was starting out exhausted and I don't do well when I'm exhausted.  But hey, let's go hiking everybody!

There was a lot of drama around getting us all to the actual trail head that I'm going to skip over in the story because it does not directly add to the specific story I'm telling here but lets just say, vehicles were damaged by the "off-road" nature of the road, tires were flattened, we may have taken a wrong turn or two (which with a large caravan of 10+ vehicles on a one way dirt road, that is a pretty big deal) and plus, it was dark out and I was getting more nervous by the minute as we got closer to the trail head.  It is funny to me now to think back on how I was thinking things were not going to be "too bad" based on how the hike looked on paper when in reality, my nerves were telling me the truth the whole time!

We got to the trail head and everyone got out and began getting their gear ready, back packs were loaded up, water supplies double checked, hiking boots laced, photos taken and nervous/excited conversations abounded.  I remember at one point glancing across the clearing where we had parked and Joe and his girlfriend were hugging and laughing as they affectionately adjusted each other's packs and I wanted to gag, roll my eyes, cry and run away all at the same time- and we had not even started hiking yet! (Hello maturity!) It is hard to "hide" in a group of awesome and intentional people, but I was determined to not let any "cracks" show- either physically or emotionally.  (ahem!)

After a few large group "before" photos were taken, we all set off up the trail.  I remember feeling like we were moving at a pretty good clip as we wound our way through the thick, beautiful aspen trees. Not long after leaving the trailhead, my heart started POUNDING from exertion as we made our way up the trail.  I started off in the middle of the pack laughing and talking and admiring the beauty around us as we hiked...and then I started not talking as much and just concentrated on trying not to breathe so hard and loudly because much to my dismay, by my estimation and observation no one else seemed to be exerting themselves very much yet.  An this was after all, the beginning of our hike and by far the easiest part of the trail......not good news for me.

Soon, I gave up on trying to not breathe so loud and just let myself start gasping for air because I needed it!  When you are hiking and gaining elevation, you are losing oxygen in the air and it becomes more difficult to breathe....and you have to breathe to keep going (let alone stay alive) so I let my pride go a little bit and just gasped for every desperate breath.  (And no, I do not and have never suffered from Asthma.)

Gradually people began to pass me and were checking to make sure I was okay because by now, I was beginning to drip sweat.  So attractive and super humbling.  Not that everyone else would not also reach a point of major exertion, I was just the first. Literally....in the chilly dawn morning air, I was shedding layers, pouring sweat and panting trying not to focus on the pounding of my heart with every step I was taking and trying not to think about the fact that we were not even CLOSE to being a fourth of the way to the half way point!!!

The "good news" was that thanks to my dramatic slow down in pace, Joe and his girlfriend were out of my line of sight and the bad news was that by this point I had gradually moved from the middle of the pack to almost the very end of the line.  To say I was swallowing pride with every gasp of air would be an understatement. 

...and this was only the beginning of what I was certain was going to turn out to be one of the most difficult and challenging days of my life, but what I did not also realize at the time is that God was also writing one of my best days ever as well....