It's Flooding Over Here...But I'm Not Complaining!

If you have been reading here for any period of time, you know that for years now, I have been in a spiritual desert waiting for it to rain. Longing for the provision of life and sense of renewal that inevitably follows in the wake of a good soaking.  But for so long things in my life have felt well, dry.  Then one fateful Friday night back in February, our dishwasher decided it was time to unleash the floodgates of water that would just not stop flowing.  It leaked out of our dishwasher onto our kitchen floor, running with gusto toward our family room carpet, down into our unfinished basement as well as into our laundry room for hours- all night long in fact. It was a full-on literal flood.

Of course I did not connect these ironic dots until months later, but looking back, I can see that the flood in our kitchen was a physical manifestation and the beginning of the spiritual flood for which I had long been waiting.  In the immediate hours following our dishwasher's mysterious malfunction, we turned on huge fans, de-humidifiers, pulled back carpet, emptied all of our cabinets in our kitchen, moved pretty much everything on our first floor to the farthest reaches of the corners we could find to stash things (every appliance, cabinet and counters included!), packed our bags and moved into my parents house across town for what would eventually become two months.  TWO. MONTHS.  

That crazy blur of time was filled with bids, contractors, insurance claims, research, decisions, paint colors, new floors, carpet swatches, potty training beginnings, time outs, close quarters, winter storms and heat waves. I felt like we were living in a bubble -not fully a part of our old life and routine at home with neighbors, friends, weekly rhythms of activities etc, and also not fully able to settle into a "normal" life across town at my parents.  We were camped out completely in the "in-between." One of those seasons where things are decidedly not normal but also not bad- just radically different and where nothing feels quite comfortable.  We lived out of our suitcases in my childhood bedroom and tried to leave as tiny of a footprint as possible at my parents house...which is not easy when you have a two-year-old!  

We were of course not planning on this little detour to my parents home for two months.  Thankfully my parents are lovely and gracious and welcomed us with open arms- until that final week of month two when everyone was ready to pack our bags and help us move home. Ha! Lily loved the extra time with Nana and Papa and they of course did as well.  Although it was an adjustment for everyone,  I already look back on those blurry weeks with a sense of gratitude for the season of togetherness with my parents during a precious time in Lily's life.  A season that we will probably never see again - at least for that length of time.  I can see now how despite all of the challenges, it was a gift. 

It was an unexpected flood of goodness.

Of course ripping up and remodeling pretty much our entire first floor was also not in the plan for 2014.  It was certainly on my dream list for the next 10-15 years, but to suddenly have this opportunity was shocking.  Being in the middle of the adoption process only added to our angst about how to proceed with our kitchen repairs.  Do we upgrade while everything is ripped up (which makes sense)? What needs to happen now? What can wait? I am not lying when I say adoption is expensive and to have this added layer of home expenses added to the hopper was pretty stressful for us.  We wanted to be mindful of priorities, but also mindful of the opportunity.  We have long been trying to figure out how we are going to fundraise  for our adoption (and ps. we are still trying to figure this out!) but our kitchen quickly became a priority for us since we were displaced from our home until things got figured out.  So...

I began putting my hobby of pinning dream home ideas on Pinterest and Houzz to good use.  We love to entertain and have friends and neighbors gather in our home for any possible reason.  Sometimes take-and-bake pizza is on the menu while other times its a little bit more fancy. Our kitchen (as is true for most people) is the heart of our home.  We spent a lot of time dreaming about this space and kicking around ideas- which of course cost thousands of dollars and were WAY out of our budget.  But as we pared things down, prioritized and focused our efforts, things finally began to take shape.  Of course some of the major repairs and changes (new hardwood floors, carpet, laundry room floors, paint for the walls etc) were covered by our insurance company (which was awesome to work with throughout this process by the way) and in the end we decided to add a few changes and upgrades out of our own pocket on top of their repairs and replacements. There are naturally more things we would like to do to complete the project, but things are great and in a good "for now" place until we can financially get to those projects down the road.  

We initially could not understand why God had allowed this major damage to our home to happen right in the middle of our adoption process, when financially things were already tight.  However,  looking back now, we can see His hand lavishly providing us with a beautiful new kitchen as well as (pretty much) an entire new first floor of our house, during a completely unexpected season- a season when it could only be Him- His hand.  All of this happened during a season where Joe received a bonus at work, as well as a raise, and we also received our tax return....pretty much covering almost to the dollar every penny of our out of pocket expense for our new beautiful kitchen. Praise God!

It was a flood of His amazing provision...beyond what we could have asked or imagined for sure!

Then about three weeks before we moved back home in late April, we received the best phone call we have possibly ever received in our entire lives.  I was rushing across town to meet Joe at the bank to co-endorse an insurance claim check and I was late -and I hate being late. I was distractedly focused on trying to go faster to get there sooner when her words caused me to practically have to pull over my car to a complete stop.  It was official - a birth mother in Utah, had seen our profile and had chosen us - US!- to be the forever family for her little precious unborn son!  Just three short months (almost to the day) after being officially active in the adoption process.  Of course I asked her to repeat herself about 10 times while I tried to absorb the enormity of what she was saying.  We had been picked!!!! (Or as they say in the adoption world, matched!) We are beyond thrilled and humbled to get to share with you (finally!!) that we are going to have a son in less than (if not sooner) three weeks!  She is due June 17th and we are absolutely over the moon.

I have tears in my eyes and hot on my cheeks just typing out these words.  For so long I have been a little bit afraid to put this news out there. Fearful of actually claiming this incredible blessing as being a true part of our story for fear that that things could change as they so often do with adoptions.  One hears so many stories of minds changing, hearts getting broken...but as we continue this journey toward our next family member, over and over God has continued to hold things steady for us and challenge us to step forward in faith.  With each passing day we are growing with confidence that this little guy in Utah is truly our son- the son He has chosen for our family, and we cannot wait to go get him and meet him and snuggle his sweet little neck. FOREVER!

It remains a crazy flood of His blessing....and it is absolutely pouring down!

With the addition of our big family news, our lives have been a blur of constant motion these past few months and obviously blogging here has sadly taken a seat on the sideline.  But this sunny Saturday morning, events converged and I am here at home, alone, in a quiet house with the windows open, a delicious cup of hot coffee and a fully charged computer.  A gift for my heart from my amazing hubby who sees how desperately I have needed this window of time for myself to just be and not be doing. 

I could not wait any longer to write.  My heart is slowly on its journey to feeling full again and with that healing I'm beginning to notice how God is slowly allowing tenderly mended bits and pieces of my true self to re-emerge from the ashes of recent years. I am not exaggerating when I say that this feels like no less than a miracle.  The life He is holding for me here on this side of the desert is full- like overflowing Promised Land full- where I once saw only heartbreak and grief, there are sprouts of life, joy, and beauty taking root and beginning to bloom again.  It is a garden of beautiful miracles I am not sure what to do with yet.  So right now, I'm choosing to enjoy, marvel at, recognize and celebrate their simple presence as proof of God's faithfulness growing where I swore nothing beautiful could possibly grow again. 

There continues to be a flood of miraculous growth and personal revelation in my heart and spirit. 

Since our return home in late April, life has been a blur of seeming constant motion:  endless to-do lists, unpacking our entire first floor (it felt like we moved all over again), cleaning the dust and dirt of home renovation off of every. single. thing. in. our. entire. house., potty training, birthday celebrations (for both Joe and Lily), play dates, neighborhood gatherings, wrapping up the "ends" of many of our regular activities for the semester, big girl bed transitions (ie. naps are on a steep decline around here- but I'm praying its only for a season), massive garage sale prep and clean up (ie we cleaned out our entire house- every closet, drawer, box, corner to de-clutter and simplify), researching travel plans for baby brother's arrival (did I mention we are driving to Utah on an unknown date, staying for an unknown length of time and lodging in an unknown location???) and of course there is the nursery prep!  We are working like crazy to get our little guy's room all ready which has been a complete joy and absolute privilege.  

It may sound crazy to say, but I am expectantly looking forward to more heart-healing and resting in the weeks ahead as things finally "slow down" once baby brother arrives safely back home with us.  I look forward to a slower pace, to schedule-free days, to completed to-do lists and to a home prepared for just simple living and being together with family and friends.  No agenda. No rushing. Just. being. present. 

Giving words here to all that has been happening only magnifies the undeserved grace that has been flooding into our lives these past few months.  He is faithful beyond our wildest imaginations.  Our home has been ground zero to countless floods of God's love, grace, provision, faithfulness, and goodness.  These floodwaters have begun washing away the ashes from my heavy heart and broken dreams revealing beauty that I had long forgotten existed- let alone ever dreamed of experiencing again.  He makes all things new, and He is calling me to participate in that renewal right here in my own life and heart. How incredibly gracious He is. 

Floods both literal and metaphorical cannot help but transform the landscapes they leave behind thanks to their force, and their unexpected and unpredictable path of travel through your world.  They often initially bring with them brokenness, damage, difficulty, uncertainty and inconvenience.  But in their wake there is also always transformation, renewal, recovery, mending, blessing and inevitably beauty discovered and revealed in unexpected places.  You generally need one to have and appreciate the other.  Floods and their aftermaths are majestic to behold- if you have ever witnessed one in nature, you know what I'm talking about.  They are amazing and if witnessed through surrendered eyes, both natural and personal floods are nothing short of a true glimpse of the King's mysterious workmanship. 

I feel I'm in the middle of a flooding renewal of heart, perspective and experience.

    

So my dear friends, this flood of words across this long barren screen, represent but a mere glimpse of the flooding that has been going on over here....massive and unpredictable- but also beautiful and miraculous and I am absolutely not complaining! Thank you for your continued prayers and support of me here.  My heart completely runs over as I have read your sweet comments, notes and texts checking in on me.  Your patience and friendship mean more than you will ever know.  More here soon....  xo 

August and Everything After.... Part 9: Waiting

Trying to sleep that night after my glorious and unexpected afternoon at the Nelson with Joe was impossible.  I was so excited and happy that I would doze off and then wake back up filled with so much hope and happiness that I just could not calm my heart down.  I felt like I was floating the next day at work and of course could not tell anyone what was going on. (I did tell a few close friends who I knew would be praying and holding me accountable during this time but no one else).  As the next weekend neared, I found myself checking my phone pretty regularly and not wanting to make plans in case he called and wanted to get together.  But no call came.

And no call came the next week or the week after that or after that or after that or....you get the idea.  As the days turned to weeks and then into months, my heart broke into more and more pieces.  I would see him and his girlfriend around at church looking not-so-broken up.  I was dying inside. The sting of rejection was cutting deep and I began to question myself and most of all him.  Was he the man I believed him to be? The Joe I believed him to be would never intentionally wound someone. Was he actually a mean person who was playing a cruel game with my heart? I did not think so, but it certainly felt like it.  I had no idea what was going on, but I knew things were not looking good and I did not understand what had transpired with his heart since we parted ways full of hope that Sunday afternoon.

I began to sink into a pretty deep depression.  Luckily for me, that June and July I had several back to back trips planned both personally and for work.  In the span of about 5 weeks I traveled to Montana, Boston, Mexico and Colorado.  I was busy and surrounded by wonderful friends and family and kept a happy face on publicly, but privately, I was heartbroken.  I was embarrassed.  I was furious and deeply hurt in an already vulnerable part of my heart.  I had still been seeing Joe around church and social gatherings with his girlfriend sitting together or holding hands or riding together or whatever.  It did not matter what was going on, to the outside eye, they were still very much together.

Most importantly to me, I began to realize that he was not coming back for me.  He had asked me to wait and I had waited and waited and waited.  I did not know how to handle this any better than I had been doing.  I had intentionally tried to give him the space he needed to conclude his relationship with the other girl well.  I did not want to be needy or clingy or a nag, so I had resolved to say nothing and just wait patiently for him to let me know things were resolved and that he was ready.  But after months of waiting, I was nearing the end of my rope.  Waiting was taking every ounce of strength I had.  During this time I lost over 20 pounds- (which I am not complaining about!) I took up running (which I hate, but I had so much animosity and emotion in my body that I had to have some sort of outlet) and I cried countless tears.  All the while, he said nothing and carried on as if nothing had ever happened...like he had completely forgotten me.  He never called.  He never gave me any indication that he even remembered he said he was going to break up with her let alone that he was interested in me.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  I on the other hand was not.

It sounds crazy to say, but my faith during this season deepened tremendously.  Without a doubt I knew God was in control.  That did not make it any easier but I knew I had done nothing to orchestrate or invent our wonderful lunch date back in April which had led to this strange season I was in, so I knew God had been the one who had allowed it to happen.  And this was freeing for me in a way.  For what purpose, I did not know, but it had happened.  I trusted Him to resolve this and I knew in my spirit that I was to just be still and wait.  If you have ever tried to do that, you know it is next to impossible.  Especially when it is in regards to something that is running across your mind every .2 seconds.  So that summer I spent a lot of time in the Word and memorizing and journaling and crying out and fighting against myself to remain still and wait for something to happen.  I questioned everything.  Was something going on with him? Was it work? Was it me? Had he changed his mind and did not have the courage to tell me? 

Then finally in late July- yes, almost FOUR months later, I snapped.  We were both at the mid-week service that our church used to have, and after the service he casually walked over and said hello and started talking about something ridiculous like the weather or something lame like that- basically the LAST thing I wanted to talk with him about after nearly four months of silence.  I completely lost it. I could not fake it, I could not be socially gracious.  I could not small talk with him.  I blurted out something blunt and direct to the effect of "What is going on here, Joe?" My exact words are lost on me now, but his are not.  He said something I never could have seen coming in a million years.  He said, "Well, I'm actually thinking I may be moving to China."

           ....to be continued....

An Adoption Update: How it all Works- Being "Active" and Waiting

It was around this past New Years that we became what is referred to in the adoption world as "active."  This means, you have all of your paperwork completed, background checks done, all 'i's dotted and 't's crossed.  It had taken us four solid months to complete the paperwork, our home study, all of the applications, contracts, our profile and were now just waiting for something to happen.  We were told at the beginning of this process, that the wait can be anywhere from two days to two years.  We have known many who have waited many months and years, so we were prepared for and anticipating a long wait.  

However, we were shocked when we received a phone call less than ten days later about what is called in the adoption world "a situation."  How it worked for us with our consultants was that when they would come across a situation that fell into the criteria we had specified for our family, they would contact us to see if we were interested in having our profile presented to the birth mother for consideration.  Birth mothers are presented anywhere from two to twelve profiles at a time that they go through to make their choice for the forever family for their child.  Depending on circumstances (has the baby been born already? or is the baby is due in a few months), they have a few hours or days/weeks to make a decision. 

We were completely SHOCKED that a situation had popped up that quickly and to say we were unprepared is a masterful understatement.  We ended up not being chosen, which was emotional, but also a little bit of a relief in that it highlighted how unprepared we were should we have to travel immediately to another state to meet and bring home our baby.  This experience of presenting for the first time led to a massive undertaking of organizing baby clothes, finding some (we only have a few) gender neutral baby items, the car seat, baby gear...you know, stuff that we have not needed or used in years that was just stored in the basement when we moved.  It felt good to get things ordered and washed and prepped for easy packing should the need arise.  It was also something I could "do" as opposed to just passively waiting.

Since that first presentation back in January, we have presented three other times and have not been chosen.  While it is always difficult to get your hopes up and have your name not be called, we both have felt tremendous peace each time.  We believe and trust that God's hand is in this and that when the situation is right, the doors will just open and we will be chosen.

I have had many people ask me if the waiting and not knowing is hard.  And my answer is yes and no.  Yes, its hard to wait and not know if the next time your phone rings or you check your email, there will be a message that will change your life forever.  But it is also not hard to wait because it is not like when you are trying to get pregnant where you have a defined timeline before you.  Try here...wait this long...find out.  Repeat.  Over and over.  That roller coaster is a nightmare of heartache, hope and emotion.  Waiting for adoption, is a little bit more peaceful.  It is just so unknown and abstract that you cannot help but get on with your life because you have no absolute date where you will know something.  It can literally happen any time, so you just keep going and find yourself pleasantly surprised by hope along the way. 

The waiting while you are presenting is a bit challenging.  I am rather obsessive with checking my phone and email during that time, but otherwise, it is all about trusting God.  Believing that He is working and moving things into place in just the right time for His plan to work out....all while not being able to see any of it.  There are days when I find myself feeling rather impatient.  Thinking about how fun it would be to have a baby around the same ages as all of my friends who are having their latest rounds of little ones. Having no control.  Feeling left out and forgotten by God.  Worrying that Lily continues to get older while there is no glimmer of a sibling for her on the horizon.  It is hard.  

But I know God is moving even when I cannot see or feel it. I trust and believe that.  A friend of mine once wrote something to the effect of if the story God is telling with your life is not good yet, it is because He's not finished with it yet! I'm clinging to that hope as we hold on for a good ending!

August and Everything After... Part 8: April Fool?

Here is the next installment and if you need a refresher on what was happening when we left off (and I would not blame you!) you can get caught up here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 and part 7

Seven years ago today I was minding my own business after church.  Driving home, my windows were down, the sun was shining warm and my radio was up.  Spring was springing and I could feel my spirits responding accordingly.  I had big afternoon plans to clean my house, open the windows and mow my lawn.  It had been months since I had last spoken to Joe outside of a socially appropriate "hello" here and there.  My heart still missed him, but after eight months of hoping and praying following our mountain-climbing trip, I began to accept that things were not to be with us.  As the days, weeks and now months passed, I had gradually stopped "casually" glancing at my phone or email hoping for a text or message or something from him...it was never there. Just as we had agreed. No games, no mixed signals.  No contact.  Ugh. Stupid integrity.

So when I heard my phone ringing in my purse, I genuinely did not give it a glance as I answered it because I knew after all this time who it would not be.  So when I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I was so caught off guard that I practically had to pull the car over in order to regain my composure.  Out of the blue, just like that, he was calling me.  Ever so nonchalantly he asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch.  Without any hesitation or forethought I said 'YES!'  (I've always been known for my breeziness...haha) We made plans to meet shortly and hung up the phone.  I was freaking out. Literally.  What had just happened? Why after all this time was he calling me? Why had I just blurted out 'yes' when I could have played it a little bit cooler? Where was my 'mystery?"  Ugh.  Of course I immediately hung up and called my friend Jessica to freak out and tell her what had just happened.

I raced home to change my clothes and freshen up before heading down to the Nelson Art Gallery where we were meeting for lunch.  I could not focus on anything.  It quickly became clear to me that my previous belief that I had started to move on from him was a complete lie.  We met for lunch in this really cool indoor garden cafe at the gallery and proceeded to sit and talk for almost two hours.  I had no idea why he had wanted to meet for lunch.  Everything we talked about was friendly and un-noteworthy.  Nothing that would rise to the level of a crazy-impromptu lunch breaking months and months of silence between us.  Don't get me wrong, it was lovely (I was loving every minute of it) but in the back of my mind, I also felt like there was something he wanted to tell me and I really began to think that he was going to tell me that he was going to marry the other girl (the one he was still seeing from the summer before), and that he wanted to be the one to tell me before I heard it through the grapevine.  So I kept waiting for our conversation to go in that direction- for the proverbial shoe to drop. My guard began ever-so-slowly going up.

After lunch (he paid?! hello mixed messages!) we decided to walk outside for a bit at his suggestion.  Sure! If he wanted to prolong our time together, who was I to argue?   If you have never been to this particular gallery, there are lovely terraced gardens all around the outside of the building.  On this particular day, it was perfect weather outside, trees and flowers were blooming everywhere, grass was bright green and there was a gentle breeze.  It was perfect and I did not want this afternoon to end.  We wandered around and after a little while, Joe suggested we walk over to another nearby walled garden. 

Of course I said yes and we walked and talked for several more hours.  Our conversation was easy and fun, but I still had this little nag in the back of my head and heart that he was going to tell me he was going to propose to another girl, so my selfish heart was just soaking up every fun minute of this non-date because I was probably going to be my last time alone with him.  I just wanted to stay in this suspended reality of beautiful fun.

We eventually sat down on a quiet bench within the walled garden and talked while watching a lovely fountain.  The afternoon was beginning to fade and we had to start thinking about walking back to our cars.  It strikes me as ironic that I do not recall his specific words, but I do remember that out of left field, Joe began talking and sharing his feelings for me....how after all of this time of absolute apart-ness he had feelings for me that had continued to deepen that he wanted to pursue.  I remember feeling so unbelievably elated that I felt like I could fly. I'm sure it's why I cannot recall his exact words.

Of course in the middle of this dream come true moment, there was one major detail:  Joe was still seeing the other girl.  HELLO! Ugh.  In effort to protect her here, I will not go into details about what was shared where she was concerned other than to say Joe spoke of her with respect and honor toward their relationship, but Joe also respectfully made it clear to me that he was in the process of ending their relationship and that things had been heading that direction for ahwile.  We agreed that it was important to both of us that their relationship be completely over before anything could start with us.

We decided that until they were officially and completely broken up, we would not spend any time together both one-on-one or in a group setting.  We would not talk on the phone, email, text or anything else until they were broken up.  We both wanted to begin our relationship with integrity, so we agreed that after parting ways on this beautiful April Fools day, I would wait to hear directly from him that he had ended things with her. He assured me that he was motivated did not think it would take longer than a few days to a week for him to break up with her.  We both could not stop smiling as we hugged good bye in the parking garage that afternoon.  

Driving home, I marveled at the beautiful turn my life had taken.  I felt blessed, unbelievably happy, chosen and excited for the days ahead.  I had not been talking with or spending any time with Joe for the last eight months, so what was one more week? Especially when I knew the goodness that awaited me at the other end? Oh if only things were that easy.  Looking back now, I plainly see now that as I drove home singing and smiling, I had no idea that in a few short days, I would feel like the world's BIGGEST April Fool, that it would again be months before I would speak with Joe, and that my heart was going to be engaged in a battle only a mountain could have prepared me for.... things were about to get really ugly....

                   ....to be continued....

An Adoption Update: Choosing your Team

the home team

One thing I am more certain of today than ever before is that adoption is never an accident.  It is a beautiful orchestration of many days, months and weeks (and sometimes even years), lots of work, tons of prayer, a wide variety of people, different organizations, families, friends and community all coming together to help facilitate something AMAZING taking place.  It certainly is a team effort.  From hiring the right professionals to enlisting the assistance of friends and family for both prayer and financial support.  You absolutely cannot do this kind of thing alone.  

This truth is both frustrating and freeing.  There are times when I just want to will my way through this on my own strength and effort...this leads to frustration pretty quickly because there is only so much one can do when pretty much most of everything is out of your hands!  What I am learning is that by inviting people in who genuinely care and want to understand and support, the burdon is lighter, the celebrations sweeter and the joy multiplied...freedom.  It is truly beautiful.

Sure there are moments when I wish I could just get pregnant and have a baby and get on about my life, but God's plan for our family is special and I choose to celebrate that and embrace this adventure and all of its uncertainties....this whole experience is a gift we have been given. 

Back in the fall, I was in hyper research mode as we neared our timeline to make a decision about which agency we wanted to choose to work with for our adoption.  I literally spent hours each evening reading different agency websites.  For me, the more I learned the muddier the waters looked.  Do we use a traditional agency? Which one? A facilitator? A consultant? An attorney? A national agency? A faith-based agency? Is licensing important? Do we want to use a local agency? Can we list with more than one? What are the reputations of these agencies? Reviews? On and on and on... and of course depending on what website you were reading, everything seemed peachy-keen, until you read the next website which raised questions about what I had just read as "truth".... it was so super confusing and unknown.  We had several friends who shared their experiences and recommendations which we found to be extremely helpful, but still, nothing was just jumping out at us for what we were looking for, despite several phone conference calls, webinars, tons of information shared and hours of research.

The reason this is such a major decision to make in the adoption process is because when make the choice of an agency (if that is the path you choose), you have to pay money to apply with them (and they might not accept you!), then you have to pay them (usually) a few thousand dollars to be listed with them (ie. become a client of theirs and to receive all of the services they offer) and then the fees go forward from there.  We knew this was going to be a major investment of not only our hearts but also our money.  So we wanted to make absolutely certain that (in addition to God) we were trusting our family's future to people who work with integrity, understand our family, are pleasant to work with and who are reachable and responsive to our questions and needs throughout this process.  

By chance, I was sharing my research frustrations with a friend of mine who is an adoptive mother of two cuties, who is also passionate about adoption.  She was telling me about a friend of a friend (of a friend?) who recently adopted after working with an adoption consultant company with great success and she recommended that I at least check them out.  

That very night I looked them up and we loved them right from the start.  Faithful Adoption Consultants have been absolutely fantastic.  They are a faith based organization run by women who are themselves adoptive mothers.  They are serious about prayer and about trusting the Lord in each and every adoption they are involved with.  I cannot say enough wonderful things about them- finding them was an absolute answer to our prayers.  What is unique about them is that they are not adoption case workers with a particular agency.  They are experienced independent consultants who network with dozens of agencies and attorneys all across the country.  So by hiring them, we did not have to make a decision about choosing one specific agency, we receive the benefit of their years of experience in this industry and the contacts and relationships they have established with licensed, reputable professionals across the country.  A true answer to prayer.  

We have been "active" with them since January 1, 2014, and what this means for our family is that our baby could be born anywhere in the lower 48 at any time.  We might have a couple of month's notice of his/her arrival or we might have less than twelve hours to pack and travel to where ever they already are!  Talk about a wild adventure!   It is certainly an exciting chapter for our family!

I will continue to explain more about this process and our personal experiences in future posts, but will sign off for now.  If you want to check out FAC on Facebook, they have a very active and amazing community of support and prayer there that is pretty amazing to behold.  We feel so blessed to be a part of it!  

Ash Wednesday- the beginning of Lent

Spring is just around the corner...

I received an email from my mentor Shelley today where she described Lent beautifully.  She wrote, 

"It is the beginning of a time to disconnect ourselves from what distracts and what holds us in its grip, that which causes us to repeatedly do what we wish we wouldn’t. Or it can be a time that creates a sacred space for us to do what we often wish we would in following Christ. 

Every year, this disconnecting from what distracts is a challenge I try to give myself, one year it was from reading the news (I'm kind of a junkie and then after I'm caught up on current events, I feel awful about the world we live in and fearful for everyone's future and...you get it), another year it was Facebook, last year I tried giving up sweets- which lasted about 48 hours.  Sometimes I can do it, other years not so much.  One year I tried giving up caffeine AND sugar and I will just tell you that was miserable for everyone, so I have found it is better to take things a little bit slow.  But on that point, sometimes I have been known to take things too slowly and never actually start!  So I've been trying to figure out how to disconnect this year, and here I am, over half way through the first day without a plan.  But....

As I've been pondering this topic the past week or so, I continue to feel drawn toward the perspective of "adding in" vs. "taking away."  By that, I mean adding into and protecting a sacred space to press into Christ and into my God-given identity by creating space to become more of who He is calling me to be. He is my true source of life, and I want to focus on living my life (all the time for that matter, but especially during this season) in a way that intentionally connects me deeper to Him. 

So this year Lent will look different for me...I'm going to seek him with a wide open heart and new eyes through 

1. a 40 day photography project - an opportunity to pursue Christ through my lens

2. a 40 day writing challenge- an opportunity to pursue Christ through intentional time of writing

3. a 40 day intentional prayer challenge- an opportunity to sit at His feet and listen for His voice

4. a 40 day book reading challenge (not speed reading, but just making time to slow down and read good books!) - an opportunity to step away from all of the media and noise that influences my life and slow down the pace of life a bit

I'm expectantly excited to be surprised by all He has for me along the path these next 40 days. 

“Lent is an opportunity, not a requirement. It is meant to be the Church’s spring time. A time when, out of the darkness of sin’s winter, a repentant, empowered people emerges. Lent is a season in which we ought to be surprised by joy. Our self-sacrifices serve no purpose unless, by laying them aside this or that desire (appetite), we are able to focus on our hearts deepest longing, Unity with Christ.” – adapted from Bread and Wine.

Because Sometimes Life is Just Messy.....and You Just Have to Keep Moving Forward

In the blog world (and in real life too) people speak often about their word for the year.  This is the word that will inspire, encourage, teach, refine, reveal truth and spur many life lessons for the chooser. Last year, my word was 'perspective' and what I learned last year about perspective would take me months to untangle here in coherent words.  It was profound.  

My word this year is 'forward.' In my heart-listening for what my word for 2014 should be, I stumbled across this post by Ann Voskamp and my heart pounded the whole time I read it.  There was a deep 'yes' in my spirit-like she was somehow articulating exactly what I have been feeling as we transitioned into 2014 and all of it's newness- and I knew it was supposed to be my word as well.  To be certain, claiming this word as my own feels unsettling.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I will be personally this time next year, or who will be (or may not be) sitting around our table.  What this word says to me is that by responding obediently to nudges toward action, that this next year will be a year of major changes in my life...and who likes major changes??  So this year, I'm moving forward.  Un-stucking myself.  Acting with courage.  Walking forward by faith into the unknown...so here we go....toward preschool, potty training, big girl beds, personal transformation, deepening our marriage, adoption, and even home transformations as well.

I have been feeling very stuck lately- in many areas of my life for a variety of reasons, and so to 'hear' the call of "FORWARD!" over my life for this year, has left me feeling a bit shaky in my beloved Danskos.  I feel like I have been camped out in a valley of shadows for quite some time.  Waiting for things to change but not knowing how or when, and also noticing that they are also somehow changing all the time right before my eyes!

When you are in a valley, you easily notice that there are mountains all around- mountains that feel impossible to conquer, or at least like they will take everything I have to climb them...mountains called, 'adoption,' 'waiting well,' 'adoption fundraising,' 'continued progress toward making our house our home,' 'being a good steward of all we have been given- ie. living on a tight budget with an attitude of abundance and gratitude rather than struggle,' ' finding my God-given identity amidst the foggy blend of my roles and life-stage,' and not to mention the ever popular and necessary 'taking better care of myself in every area of living.'  Not to mention helping Lily transition from toddler to preschooler and all that comes with that sort of I-can't-believe-it-metamorphasis...Yeah, that's all.  

With the right attitude, these challenges and potential life changes can seem empowering, energizing and bursting forth with hope and fresh starts, but I have been living in a place where it has seemingly been raining grief, loss, struggle, setbacks, battle and a paralyzing lack of energy to deal with the challenges, progress or change.  

Sure I can put on my happy face and be social and appropriate- it is not like I live in a puddle of tears, but when it's quiet, and it's just me, or it's an especially tough day, or I cannot remember the last time I actually accomplished something from start to finish, or things tend to pile up and overwhelm me and I just feel stuck and fear that circumstances -big life circumstances- will never change...that is when the tears tend visit.  When it feels like the life I always imagined living will just never be real for me- for others, sure, but not for me.  I know it's in those quiet moments that the enemy attacks me in my weakest and most vulnerable, tender places, but trust me, in those moments, it feels like a war is raging in my heart for hope.

thank goodness for this precious gal who both pushes me to my limits and also fills my heart with so much love I feel like it could burst.... (and sometimes all within the same 5 minutes!)

So when God revealed to me that my new word for this year was 'forward'- I knew it was time to pack up my bags from my camp ground in the valley of complicated comfort and stuck-ness and get ready to cover some ground.  So here is a little summary of what has been going on here in the "FORWARD" department (even though some of it feels like I have actually been moving backwards- especially with a busy toddler in the house!) the past couple of months...

Making our house into our home is a HUGE passion of mine.  With trying to save every penny for our adoption, we have a pretty tight budget, so the process of getting to make things "new" in our home has been slow (which is actually a good thing!).  First I decided to tackle our downstairs living spaces that have been on my short list since we moved in:  our dining room, our front door and Lily's playroom.  Keep in mind, they were not awful- which is why they lasted this long, but they were not "us" and not having them the way we wanted them, kept me from decorating them or adding finishing touches on them, which kept them from feeling truly settled and restful to us (me especially).  I am a home-decorating loving fool.  I love to fiddle, change, research, rearrange and dream up ways to make our home more lovely.  But lately I have been guilty of too much dreaming and too little changing which was leading me to get stuck in the "it's never going to be the way I want it to be" category- a state of ingratitude and ugliness of the spirit. Ugh. 

So back in the fall, I began to take some baby steps toward transforming our dining room into the room we imagined it could be.  When we moved in, it was painted a light cheerful yellow color that blended in and washed out the white trim and wainscotting.  It had some really big and heavy custom curtains on the windows which I'm sure were lovely in their day (and probably pretty pricy), but were totally not our style.  So we (finally) pulled them down and it was an instant lift to the room.  One of those "Why did we wait so long to do that simple little thing?" It really lightened and brightened the room.  

a better glimpse of the true color of the walls...

sooo much brighter and happier!

My next project was to paint our front door.  When we moved in it was white, now it is black.  I think it really makes it stand out and the white trim pop a lot more.  Here are the before and afters...

BEFORE

AFTER

We also finally got a dining room table!  Our dining room was a glorified running and play room for over a year, so to actually have a table in there where we could entertain friends and family has been so.much.fun!  We purchased it at a local furniture consignment store.  Lily and I had been watching their inventory closely for months and we finally found this gem.  We didn't want anything too perfect because we wanted to actually be able to use it without fear or worry of scratches etc. So it has a little love already scratched into it and we absolutely LOVE it.  I don't know, but having a dining room table makes me feel like a grown up.  We have used it TONS already and I am excited for all of the gatherings to come....  Of course I don't have a great photo of it, but this is a photo of some of our great friends enjoying some raclette.  (Which by the way is awesome if you have not tried it!)

Then began the (seemingly never ending) process of finding the right color for the walls.  I knew I wanted to have a nice cozy shade of gray, but in case you did not know, there are MILLIONS of shades of gray!  Some brownish, some yellowish, lots of blue-ish/purple shades, some greenish.... I kept the sample guys at the Home Depot paint department busy with my never ending requests for random specific shades that I found in magazines, books, online etc.  Just when I thought it was my last trip to the HD, I would stumble across another few shades that I wanted to try out.  Our walls looked like this for months.  Literally months.  It got to the point where we no longer noticed how crazy our walls looked!

I actually almost forgot to take a photo of the 'before' - so disregard the primer on the walls!  You get the idea.... these splotches/samples were on almost every wall in the dining room in order to get a sense of the colors in natural light and the evening light....

We still hosted several gatherings in this crazy state of 'undone-ness' and our crazy, paint-sample-y walls always started great conversations. We conducted polls from our guests on their opinions of the paint and all the while I continued to stumble across new and interesting shades of gray to try.  But eventually we landed on the color of Rockport Gray by Sherwin Williams, and after months of crazy walls, I finally got on the stick, summoned the mental energy to empty the giant cabinet of stuff so we could move it away from the wall and I could actually prime and paint!  Talk about forward progress!

walls primed and ready for paint

We have 12 foot ceilings on our main level and it was a challenge (and time consuming) to maneuver our giant ladder and drop cloths all around the room but it was love at first sight for me with this color. LOVELOVELOVE!  I immediately wanted to paint our bedroom in the same color....but that is a project for another year!

BEFORE

AFTER (I don't yet have any official 'after' photos, for a reason I will explain later)

Our dining room is pretty standard sized, but going from the yellow color to the gray has added depth and dimention that has been so unexpected and lovely.  The space seems significantly larger than before and the white trim pops, as does the white cabinet.  I also love how it looks with the wood of our table and chairs.  It was a major upgrade in our opinion and so simple to accomplish!   That being said, I did not realize the challenge of painting a room with so many different wall surfaces - every indentation, corner, the bay windows and the 12 foot ceilings....kind of a bear to paint....not going to lie.  But so very worth the effort.  Next up for this room is wall art and some window treatments, but that will be a gradual project that unfolds....(ie. more pinterest and houzz research required!) But for now, in this space we are pleased with the outcome....it feels a little more like home now.

BEFORE

While the drop cloths, ladders, primer, and paint brushes were out and handy, I decided to tackle the paint color in Lily's play room.  We spend a TON of time in there and it too was painted a yellow-ish neutral taupe color that I just did not love.  It was a decent enough neutral color that it was not crazy, but it just wasn't us.  We removed the heavy green custom curtains (no photo, sorry, but just picture the dining room curtains but in a forrest green shade).  We tackled the project of finding the right shade of gray (again)- one that would blend nicely with the dining room (since our floor plan is pretty open and these rooms are near on another)- but also one that was unique to the play room and a tad bit lighter.  I wanted to brighten the space a little bit so we changed the color to a really pretty shade of gray that is a 26% increase in darkness of the color Revere Pewter by Sherwin Williams.  (I will spare you on how we landed on that exact shade, but its the darkest they could increase the color without overflowing the can) but changing to this color has been such a lovely improvement for us in this room...well, at least for me.  I don't think Joe or Lily really minded the other one, but I really did not like it. Now I feel like I can finally continue to make this space into a cheerful, kid-friendly room where lots of creativity can happen...for both Lily and myself! ha!

the sample colors on the playroom walls...again, I almost forgot to take my 'before' photo! Tip: it helps to write the color name in chalk below the color sample on the wall, so when time passes, and you make a decision, you don't forget the color's name!

walls all primed and ready for paint....so much brighter and happy already!

* Sadly, I don't yet have an after photo for this post.  But I will share one with you when we get one because we love how it turned out!

All in all this painting project (obviously not counting the months of color selection) took me about a week.  I basically primed and painted each room, plus one bedroom upstairs was primed as well.  And by the time I got everything moved, moved back, cleaned up and painted using nap times and evenings after bedtime, it took about a week.  My mom was kind enough to take Lily for a day so I could focus on painting as well, which really helped.  We are thrilled with how it turned out and it feels great to have these rooms on their way to feeling more like home to us....  but needless to say, during the week that this project was underway, the rest of our house was a total disaster and recovering from it all (laundry, organization etc took about a week as well)!  But isn't that always how it goes?

Speaking of disaster...the reason I don't have my official "finished" photos for you is because before I could take them, we had a flood in our kitchen thanks to our unruly dishwasher and our house currently looks like this:

kitchen before hardwoods taken out

during

after/current

our dining room full of kitchen cabinet contents and appliances

our family room full of cabinets, tables etc

laundry room...guess where I could not reach when I painted it last spring?  Heehee....

basement below where the dishwasher is in our kitchen....UGH.

where the water flooded into our family room...bringing with it some hardwood floor stain.  Lovely.

Soooo....we have had industrial sized fans and dehumidifiers blowing in our house for a week straight now in effort to get everything dry again.  It literally sounds like a jet engine and it is next to impossible to have a conversation in a normal tone of voice.  We have filed a claim with our home insurance and they have been awesome so far sending people out to help us get our floors dried out, removed, our cabinets taken out and get things like the subfloor dried out so the damage can be properly assessed.  We do not know yet what our next steps will be, but it goes without saying that sometimes, life is just messy and full of unexpected twists and turns.  We certainly did not plan on re-doing our kitchen right now, that is for sure!  But, it is absolutely something we planned on doing sometime down the road...I guess God had a different time line for us in this.

Kitchen BEFORE the flood in our home study photos

our kitchen today...

Needless to say, fixing up our kitchen a little bit more to our liking was not in our plans or budget for the next several years, let alone the next several weeks!  It is exciting but also a little bit overwhelming as many decisions will have to be made in a relatively short period of time.  But first, we will have to see what happens and what our insurance people say.  Right now, we are grateful for my parents who are letting us stay with them until our house returns to feeling like home again!

Yes, life is just messy sometimes so here is to moving forward and finding beauty amongst the ruins.  Thanks for reading all the way through this long post- I wanted to bring you up to date on what has been going on the past few weeks around our house and give you a little glimpse into why I have not had much time to write here- again.  *sigh*

I hope your life is full of beautiful (happy) messes these days ...but hopefully not as crazy as our messes are right at the moment!