Where we Are...

We are waiting.  Our little guy was due two days ago on the 17th, but when his birth mother went into the doctor to be checked, she still had not started to dilate.  So, it is looking like he is pretty comfy in there.  The doctor said that he will induce next Tuesday if something does not happen on its own between now and then.  So we wait!  Counting down the minutes....and as Lily likes to say, "Only a few more sleeps!"

Our Kitchen!

You have heard a lot about it, and finally here are some photos of our practically brand new kitchen!  Tackling this two month project at this point in our lives was not on our agenda, but looking back now, it seems there was a divine plan at work beyond what we could see or imagine and we love how it turned out! 

We upgraded our countertops to a granite stone called Black Pearl and bumped out our countertop on the peninsula so that (eventually) we can get some counter-height chairs and people can just pull up a chair to the counter.  It is the main gathering place in our house, so we figured people might as well be comfortable while hanging out with us!  Plus we figured that with that large of a flat surface, we would get a TON of use out of that space with projects and homework and cooking etc. 

Glad I captured the crock pot action for Lily's family birthday party for you!  But the honest truth is that our kitchen is never this sparkly clean unless we are hosting some kind of gathering, so I figured I should snap some photos while I could- and while the birthday girl was napping! 

We changed painted our cabinets Simply White by Benjamin Moore and changed out all of the hardware and hinges.  

We kept our same sink that we had before.  It is pretty non-traditional to have a "top mount" sink with granite countertops, but we are super glad we stuck to our guns.  We upgraded our sink last spring and really love it, so getting rid of it was not really something we were wanting do do despite all of the advice and encouragement from our contractors.  We love this sink and are really happy with the charm it adds to our kitchen.

Thanks to all of the water damage, we got brand new hardwood floors in our kitchen.  We deepened to stain color and really like the depth it adds to the room.  I admit, it shows a little bit more dirt and advertises when I do not sweep, but we are SO glad we changed the stain color.  We also sanded down and stained our front hall to match this color which ties the spaces together nicely.  This is also a pretty good glimpse of the spindle(s) we added with the counter bump out.  

As part of the recovery process, our insurance included a fresh coat of paint for our walls in both our laundry room and the kitchen.  We could not believe our good fortune, so we decided to lighten up our kitchen paint color.  We decided to go with Repose by (I think) Benjamin Moore. It is shocking how much changing this paint color along with the cabinet color has done to change the entire feel of the room.  Everything feels so much brighter, happier and just more like "us."  We kept our laundry room the same color (Tiffany Blue) but we were also given new flooring for that room due to water damage, so we got a black and white checkerboard pattern.  It looks super cute and pretty much completed my "dream" for that room.  I don't have a photo of it, but it looks cute and cheerful.

We were also allotted an allowance for carpet replacement for our family room thanks to water damage.  I do not have any pics of it for this post, but we picked an oatmeal based color that looks great with the dark flooring.  It is amazing how soft and fluffy new carpet feels under your feet.  It makes me want to re-carpet our entire upstairs as I now appreciate how much we need new carpet now that I have something to compare it to! Wow!

I do not have a photo of our new dishwasher, but we are excited about that as well! There are still several smaller kitchen projects we would eventually like to tackle...things like lighting, back splash, curtains...but for now, we are super happy with where we are.  

It was a lot of fun getting to pull all of this together.  Crazy, sometimes stressful but also a lot of fun and a great distractor for us while we were waiting to be matched with a baby.  It is shocking how many choices there are along this path- floor stains, carpet swatches, types, loops, paint colors, shades of white, hinges- on and on.  You just pick what you like and hope it all works well together.  It helped that I love this kind of thing and had an idea of what I would love and so it was just a matter of  getting Joe's approval and then casting the vision for our contractors.  We are thrilled with how it turned out and absolutely view it as evidence of God's blessing over our lives. 

BEFORE

AFTER

It's All Over But the Waiting...

After weeks of work, errands, preparations and to-do lists, Lily and I finally finished everything we could at home, and made our escape to the mountains to await baby brother's arrival at the cabin.  Joe stayed behind to continue working as long as possible and will catch the first flight west once THE call comes in.  Baby brother is due to arrive only four days from now, (FOUR!!!) but something in my heart tells me our wait may be a little bit longer than that, so counting down the days and minutes seemed a little bit easier to handle while breathing mountain air.  But then again, doesn't everything?

It is freeing to be as "ready" as you possibly can be in this sort of situation. Bags are packed, car snacks ready, playlists made for the car, car toys ready for Lily, baby gear clean, packed, organized and in working order... it is all over but the waiting.  So while we wait, we are going for walks, playing games, watching movies, eating pancakes, swimming, swinging, doing puzzles and trying to rest up for the big adventure ahead.  I'm savoring these last few sweet "Mommy-Lily Days" as we affectionately call them.  Our lives will never be this simple again...In a crazy way, my life feels like it is slowing down...in such a beautiful way. 

I am lifting my eyes to the hills....

It's Flooding Over Here...But I'm Not Complaining!

If you have been reading here for any period of time, you know that for years now, I have been in a spiritual desert waiting for it to rain. Longing for the provision of life and sense of renewal that inevitably follows in the wake of a good soaking.  But for so long things in my life have felt well, dry.  Then one fateful Friday night back in February, our dishwasher decided it was time to unleash the floodgates of water that would just not stop flowing.  It leaked out of our dishwasher onto our kitchen floor, running with gusto toward our family room carpet, down into our unfinished basement as well as into our laundry room for hours- all night long in fact. It was a full-on literal flood.

Of course I did not connect these ironic dots until months later, but looking back, I can see that the flood in our kitchen was a physical manifestation and the beginning of the spiritual flood for which I had long been waiting.  In the immediate hours following our dishwasher's mysterious malfunction, we turned on huge fans, de-humidifiers, pulled back carpet, emptied all of our cabinets in our kitchen, moved pretty much everything on our first floor to the farthest reaches of the corners we could find to stash things (every appliance, cabinet and counters included!), packed our bags and moved into my parents house across town for what would eventually become two months.  TWO. MONTHS.  

That crazy blur of time was filled with bids, contractors, insurance claims, research, decisions, paint colors, new floors, carpet swatches, potty training beginnings, time outs, close quarters, winter storms and heat waves. I felt like we were living in a bubble -not fully a part of our old life and routine at home with neighbors, friends, weekly rhythms of activities etc, and also not fully able to settle into a "normal" life across town at my parents.  We were camped out completely in the "in-between." One of those seasons where things are decidedly not normal but also not bad- just radically different and where nothing feels quite comfortable.  We lived out of our suitcases in my childhood bedroom and tried to leave as tiny of a footprint as possible at my parents house...which is not easy when you have a two-year-old!  

We were of course not planning on this little detour to my parents home for two months.  Thankfully my parents are lovely and gracious and welcomed us with open arms- until that final week of month two when everyone was ready to pack our bags and help us move home. Ha! Lily loved the extra time with Nana and Papa and they of course did as well.  Although it was an adjustment for everyone,  I already look back on those blurry weeks with a sense of gratitude for the season of togetherness with my parents during a precious time in Lily's life.  A season that we will probably never see again - at least for that length of time.  I can see now how despite all of the challenges, it was a gift. 

It was an unexpected flood of goodness.

Of course ripping up and remodeling pretty much our entire first floor was also not in the plan for 2014.  It was certainly on my dream list for the next 10-15 years, but to suddenly have this opportunity was shocking.  Being in the middle of the adoption process only added to our angst about how to proceed with our kitchen repairs.  Do we upgrade while everything is ripped up (which makes sense)? What needs to happen now? What can wait? I am not lying when I say adoption is expensive and to have this added layer of home expenses added to the hopper was pretty stressful for us.  We wanted to be mindful of priorities, but also mindful of the opportunity.  We have long been trying to figure out how we are going to fundraise  for our adoption (and ps. we are still trying to figure this out!) but our kitchen quickly became a priority for us since we were displaced from our home until things got figured out.  So...

I began putting my hobby of pinning dream home ideas on Pinterest and Houzz to good use.  We love to entertain and have friends and neighbors gather in our home for any possible reason.  Sometimes take-and-bake pizza is on the menu while other times its a little bit more fancy. Our kitchen (as is true for most people) is the heart of our home.  We spent a lot of time dreaming about this space and kicking around ideas- which of course cost thousands of dollars and were WAY out of our budget.  But as we pared things down, prioritized and focused our efforts, things finally began to take shape.  Of course some of the major repairs and changes (new hardwood floors, carpet, laundry room floors, paint for the walls etc) were covered by our insurance company (which was awesome to work with throughout this process by the way) and in the end we decided to add a few changes and upgrades out of our own pocket on top of their repairs and replacements. There are naturally more things we would like to do to complete the project, but things are great and in a good "for now" place until we can financially get to those projects down the road.  

We initially could not understand why God had allowed this major damage to our home to happen right in the middle of our adoption process, when financially things were already tight.  However,  looking back now, we can see His hand lavishly providing us with a beautiful new kitchen as well as (pretty much) an entire new first floor of our house, during a completely unexpected season- a season when it could only be Him- His hand.  All of this happened during a season where Joe received a bonus at work, as well as a raise, and we also received our tax return....pretty much covering almost to the dollar every penny of our out of pocket expense for our new beautiful kitchen. Praise God!

It was a flood of His amazing provision...beyond what we could have asked or imagined for sure!

Then about three weeks before we moved back home in late April, we received the best phone call we have possibly ever received in our entire lives.  I was rushing across town to meet Joe at the bank to co-endorse an insurance claim check and I was late -and I hate being late. I was distractedly focused on trying to go faster to get there sooner when her words caused me to practically have to pull over my car to a complete stop.  It was official - a birth mother in Utah, had seen our profile and had chosen us - US!- to be the forever family for her little precious unborn son!  Just three short months (almost to the day) after being officially active in the adoption process.  Of course I asked her to repeat herself about 10 times while I tried to absorb the enormity of what she was saying.  We had been picked!!!! (Or as they say in the adoption world, matched!) We are beyond thrilled and humbled to get to share with you (finally!!) that we are going to have a son in less than (if not sooner) three weeks!  She is due June 17th and we are absolutely over the moon.

I have tears in my eyes and hot on my cheeks just typing out these words.  For so long I have been a little bit afraid to put this news out there. Fearful of actually claiming this incredible blessing as being a true part of our story for fear that that things could change as they so often do with adoptions.  One hears so many stories of minds changing, hearts getting broken...but as we continue this journey toward our next family member, over and over God has continued to hold things steady for us and challenge us to step forward in faith.  With each passing day we are growing with confidence that this little guy in Utah is truly our son- the son He has chosen for our family, and we cannot wait to go get him and meet him and snuggle his sweet little neck. FOREVER!

It remains a crazy flood of His blessing....and it is absolutely pouring down!

With the addition of our big family news, our lives have been a blur of constant motion these past few months and obviously blogging here has sadly taken a seat on the sideline.  But this sunny Saturday morning, events converged and I am here at home, alone, in a quiet house with the windows open, a delicious cup of hot coffee and a fully charged computer.  A gift for my heart from my amazing hubby who sees how desperately I have needed this window of time for myself to just be and not be doing. 

I could not wait any longer to write.  My heart is slowly on its journey to feeling full again and with that healing I'm beginning to notice how God is slowly allowing tenderly mended bits and pieces of my true self to re-emerge from the ashes of recent years. I am not exaggerating when I say that this feels like no less than a miracle.  The life He is holding for me here on this side of the desert is full- like overflowing Promised Land full- where I once saw only heartbreak and grief, there are sprouts of life, joy, and beauty taking root and beginning to bloom again.  It is a garden of beautiful miracles I am not sure what to do with yet.  So right now, I'm choosing to enjoy, marvel at, recognize and celebrate their simple presence as proof of God's faithfulness growing where I swore nothing beautiful could possibly grow again. 

There continues to be a flood of miraculous growth and personal revelation in my heart and spirit. 

Since our return home in late April, life has been a blur of seeming constant motion:  endless to-do lists, unpacking our entire first floor (it felt like we moved all over again), cleaning the dust and dirt of home renovation off of every. single. thing. in. our. entire. house., potty training, birthday celebrations (for both Joe and Lily), play dates, neighborhood gatherings, wrapping up the "ends" of many of our regular activities for the semester, big girl bed transitions (ie. naps are on a steep decline around here- but I'm praying its only for a season), massive garage sale prep and clean up (ie we cleaned out our entire house- every closet, drawer, box, corner to de-clutter and simplify), researching travel plans for baby brother's arrival (did I mention we are driving to Utah on an unknown date, staying for an unknown length of time and lodging in an unknown location???) and of course there is the nursery prep!  We are working like crazy to get our little guy's room all ready which has been a complete joy and absolute privilege.  

It may sound crazy to say, but I am expectantly looking forward to more heart-healing and resting in the weeks ahead as things finally "slow down" once baby brother arrives safely back home with us.  I look forward to a slower pace, to schedule-free days, to completed to-do lists and to a home prepared for just simple living and being together with family and friends.  No agenda. No rushing. Just. being. present. 

Giving words here to all that has been happening only magnifies the undeserved grace that has been flooding into our lives these past few months.  He is faithful beyond our wildest imaginations.  Our home has been ground zero to countless floods of God's love, grace, provision, faithfulness, and goodness.  These floodwaters have begun washing away the ashes from my heavy heart and broken dreams revealing beauty that I had long forgotten existed- let alone ever dreamed of experiencing again.  He makes all things new, and He is calling me to participate in that renewal right here in my own life and heart. How incredibly gracious He is. 

Floods both literal and metaphorical cannot help but transform the landscapes they leave behind thanks to their force, and their unexpected and unpredictable path of travel through your world.  They often initially bring with them brokenness, damage, difficulty, uncertainty and inconvenience.  But in their wake there is also always transformation, renewal, recovery, mending, blessing and inevitably beauty discovered and revealed in unexpected places.  You generally need one to have and appreciate the other.  Floods and their aftermaths are majestic to behold- if you have ever witnessed one in nature, you know what I'm talking about.  They are amazing and if witnessed through surrendered eyes, both natural and personal floods are nothing short of a true glimpse of the King's mysterious workmanship. 

I feel I'm in the middle of a flooding renewal of heart, perspective and experience.

    

So my dear friends, this flood of words across this long barren screen, represent but a mere glimpse of the flooding that has been going on over here....massive and unpredictable- but also beautiful and miraculous and I am absolutely not complaining! Thank you for your continued prayers and support of me here.  My heart completely runs over as I have read your sweet comments, notes and texts checking in on me.  Your patience and friendship mean more than you will ever know.  More here soon....  xo 

August and Everything After.... Part 9: Waiting

Trying to sleep that night after my glorious and unexpected afternoon at the Nelson with Joe was impossible.  I was so excited and happy that I would doze off and then wake back up filled with so much hope and happiness that I just could not calm my heart down.  I felt like I was floating the next day at work and of course could not tell anyone what was going on. (I did tell a few close friends who I knew would be praying and holding me accountable during this time but no one else).  As the next weekend neared, I found myself checking my phone pretty regularly and not wanting to make plans in case he called and wanted to get together.  But no call came.

And no call came the next week or the week after that or after that or after that or....you get the idea.  As the days turned to weeks and then into months, my heart broke into more and more pieces.  I would see him and his girlfriend around at church looking not-so-broken up.  I was dying inside. The sting of rejection was cutting deep and I began to question myself and most of all him.  Was he the man I believed him to be? The Joe I believed him to be would never intentionally wound someone. Was he actually a mean person who was playing a cruel game with my heart? I did not think so, but it certainly felt like it.  I had no idea what was going on, but I knew things were not looking good and I did not understand what had transpired with his heart since we parted ways full of hope that Sunday afternoon.

I began to sink into a pretty deep depression.  Luckily for me, that June and July I had several back to back trips planned both personally and for work.  In the span of about 5 weeks I traveled to Montana, Boston, Mexico and Colorado.  I was busy and surrounded by wonderful friends and family and kept a happy face on publicly, but privately, I was heartbroken.  I was embarrassed.  I was furious and deeply hurt in an already vulnerable part of my heart.  I had still been seeing Joe around church and social gatherings with his girlfriend sitting together or holding hands or riding together or whatever.  It did not matter what was going on, to the outside eye, they were still very much together.

Most importantly to me, I began to realize that he was not coming back for me.  He had asked me to wait and I had waited and waited and waited.  I did not know how to handle this any better than I had been doing.  I had intentionally tried to give him the space he needed to conclude his relationship with the other girl well.  I did not want to be needy or clingy or a nag, so I had resolved to say nothing and just wait patiently for him to let me know things were resolved and that he was ready.  But after months of waiting, I was nearing the end of my rope.  Waiting was taking every ounce of strength I had.  During this time I lost over 20 pounds- (which I am not complaining about!) I took up running (which I hate, but I had so much animosity and emotion in my body that I had to have some sort of outlet) and I cried countless tears.  All the while, he said nothing and carried on as if nothing had ever happened...like he had completely forgotten me.  He never called.  He never gave me any indication that he even remembered he said he was going to break up with her let alone that he was interested in me.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  I on the other hand was not.

It sounds crazy to say, but my faith during this season deepened tremendously.  Without a doubt I knew God was in control.  That did not make it any easier but I knew I had done nothing to orchestrate or invent our wonderful lunch date back in April which had led to this strange season I was in, so I knew God had been the one who had allowed it to happen.  And this was freeing for me in a way.  For what purpose, I did not know, but it had happened.  I trusted Him to resolve this and I knew in my spirit that I was to just be still and wait.  If you have ever tried to do that, you know it is next to impossible.  Especially when it is in regards to something that is running across your mind every .2 seconds.  So that summer I spent a lot of time in the Word and memorizing and journaling and crying out and fighting against myself to remain still and wait for something to happen.  I questioned everything.  Was something going on with him? Was it work? Was it me? Had he changed his mind and did not have the courage to tell me? 

Then finally in late July- yes, almost FOUR months later, I snapped.  We were both at the mid-week service that our church used to have, and after the service he casually walked over and said hello and started talking about something ridiculous like the weather or something lame like that- basically the LAST thing I wanted to talk with him about after nearly four months of silence.  I completely lost it. I could not fake it, I could not be socially gracious.  I could not small talk with him.  I blurted out something blunt and direct to the effect of "What is going on here, Joe?" My exact words are lost on me now, but his are not.  He said something I never could have seen coming in a million years.  He said, "Well, I'm actually thinking I may be moving to China."

           ....to be continued....

An Adoption Update: How it all Works- Being "Active" and Waiting

It was around this past New Years that we became what is referred to in the adoption world as "active."  This means, you have all of your paperwork completed, background checks done, all 'i's dotted and 't's crossed.  It had taken us four solid months to complete the paperwork, our home study, all of the applications, contracts, our profile and were now just waiting for something to happen.  We were told at the beginning of this process, that the wait can be anywhere from two days to two years.  We have known many who have waited many months and years, so we were prepared for and anticipating a long wait.  

However, we were shocked when we received a phone call less than ten days later about what is called in the adoption world "a situation."  How it worked for us with our consultants was that when they would come across a situation that fell into the criteria we had specified for our family, they would contact us to see if we were interested in having our profile presented to the birth mother for consideration.  Birth mothers are presented anywhere from two to twelve profiles at a time that they go through to make their choice for the forever family for their child.  Depending on circumstances (has the baby been born already? or is the baby is due in a few months), they have a few hours or days/weeks to make a decision. 

We were completely SHOCKED that a situation had popped up that quickly and to say we were unprepared is a masterful understatement.  We ended up not being chosen, which was emotional, but also a little bit of a relief in that it highlighted how unprepared we were should we have to travel immediately to another state to meet and bring home our baby.  This experience of presenting for the first time led to a massive undertaking of organizing baby clothes, finding some (we only have a few) gender neutral baby items, the car seat, baby gear...you know, stuff that we have not needed or used in years that was just stored in the basement when we moved.  It felt good to get things ordered and washed and prepped for easy packing should the need arise.  It was also something I could "do" as opposed to just passively waiting.

Since that first presentation back in January, we have presented three other times and have not been chosen.  While it is always difficult to get your hopes up and have your name not be called, we both have felt tremendous peace each time.  We believe and trust that God's hand is in this and that when the situation is right, the doors will just open and we will be chosen.

I have had many people ask me if the waiting and not knowing is hard.  And my answer is yes and no.  Yes, its hard to wait and not know if the next time your phone rings or you check your email, there will be a message that will change your life forever.  But it is also not hard to wait because it is not like when you are trying to get pregnant where you have a defined timeline before you.  Try here...wait this long...find out.  Repeat.  Over and over.  That roller coaster is a nightmare of heartache, hope and emotion.  Waiting for adoption, is a little bit more peaceful.  It is just so unknown and abstract that you cannot help but get on with your life because you have no absolute date where you will know something.  It can literally happen any time, so you just keep going and find yourself pleasantly surprised by hope along the way. 

The waiting while you are presenting is a bit challenging.  I am rather obsessive with checking my phone and email during that time, but otherwise, it is all about trusting God.  Believing that He is working and moving things into place in just the right time for His plan to work out....all while not being able to see any of it.  There are days when I find myself feeling rather impatient.  Thinking about how fun it would be to have a baby around the same ages as all of my friends who are having their latest rounds of little ones. Having no control.  Feeling left out and forgotten by God.  Worrying that Lily continues to get older while there is no glimmer of a sibling for her on the horizon.  It is hard.  

But I know God is moving even when I cannot see or feel it. I trust and believe that.  A friend of mine once wrote something to the effect of if the story God is telling with your life is not good yet, it is because He's not finished with it yet! I'm clinging to that hope as we hold on for a good ending!

August and Everything After... Part 8: April Fool?

Here is the next installment and if you need a refresher on what was happening when we left off (and I would not blame you!) you can get caught up here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 and part 7

Seven years ago today I was minding my own business after church.  Driving home, my windows were down, the sun was shining warm and my radio was up.  Spring was springing and I could feel my spirits responding accordingly.  I had big afternoon plans to clean my house, open the windows and mow my lawn.  It had been months since I had last spoken to Joe outside of a socially appropriate "hello" here and there.  My heart still missed him, but after eight months of hoping and praying following our mountain-climbing trip, I began to accept that things were not to be with us.  As the days, weeks and now months passed, I had gradually stopped "casually" glancing at my phone or email hoping for a text or message or something from him...it was never there. Just as we had agreed. No games, no mixed signals.  No contact.  Ugh. Stupid integrity.

So when I heard my phone ringing in my purse, I genuinely did not give it a glance as I answered it because I knew after all this time who it would not be.  So when I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I was so caught off guard that I practically had to pull the car over in order to regain my composure.  Out of the blue, just like that, he was calling me.  Ever so nonchalantly he asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch.  Without any hesitation or forethought I said 'YES!'  (I've always been known for my breeziness...haha) We made plans to meet shortly and hung up the phone.  I was freaking out. Literally.  What had just happened? Why after all this time was he calling me? Why had I just blurted out 'yes' when I could have played it a little bit cooler? Where was my 'mystery?"  Ugh.  Of course I immediately hung up and called my friend Jessica to freak out and tell her what had just happened.

I raced home to change my clothes and freshen up before heading down to the Nelson Art Gallery where we were meeting for lunch.  I could not focus on anything.  It quickly became clear to me that my previous belief that I had started to move on from him was a complete lie.  We met for lunch in this really cool indoor garden cafe at the gallery and proceeded to sit and talk for almost two hours.  I had no idea why he had wanted to meet for lunch.  Everything we talked about was friendly and un-noteworthy.  Nothing that would rise to the level of a crazy-impromptu lunch breaking months and months of silence between us.  Don't get me wrong, it was lovely (I was loving every minute of it) but in the back of my mind, I also felt like there was something he wanted to tell me and I really began to think that he was going to tell me that he was going to marry the other girl (the one he was still seeing from the summer before), and that he wanted to be the one to tell me before I heard it through the grapevine.  So I kept waiting for our conversation to go in that direction- for the proverbial shoe to drop. My guard began ever-so-slowly going up.

After lunch (he paid?! hello mixed messages!) we decided to walk outside for a bit at his suggestion.  Sure! If he wanted to prolong our time together, who was I to argue?   If you have never been to this particular gallery, there are lovely terraced gardens all around the outside of the building.  On this particular day, it was perfect weather outside, trees and flowers were blooming everywhere, grass was bright green and there was a gentle breeze.  It was perfect and I did not want this afternoon to end.  We wandered around and after a little while, Joe suggested we walk over to another nearby walled garden. 

Of course I said yes and we walked and talked for several more hours.  Our conversation was easy and fun, but I still had this little nag in the back of my head and heart that he was going to tell me he was going to propose to another girl, so my selfish heart was just soaking up every fun minute of this non-date because I was probably going to be my last time alone with him.  I just wanted to stay in this suspended reality of beautiful fun.

We eventually sat down on a quiet bench within the walled garden and talked while watching a lovely fountain.  The afternoon was beginning to fade and we had to start thinking about walking back to our cars.  It strikes me as ironic that I do not recall his specific words, but I do remember that out of left field, Joe began talking and sharing his feelings for me....how after all of this time of absolute apart-ness he had feelings for me that had continued to deepen that he wanted to pursue.  I remember feeling so unbelievably elated that I felt like I could fly. I'm sure it's why I cannot recall his exact words.

Of course in the middle of this dream come true moment, there was one major detail:  Joe was still seeing the other girl.  HELLO! Ugh.  In effort to protect her here, I will not go into details about what was shared where she was concerned other than to say Joe spoke of her with respect and honor toward their relationship, but Joe also respectfully made it clear to me that he was in the process of ending their relationship and that things had been heading that direction for ahwile.  We agreed that it was important to both of us that their relationship be completely over before anything could start with us.

We decided that until they were officially and completely broken up, we would not spend any time together both one-on-one or in a group setting.  We would not talk on the phone, email, text or anything else until they were broken up.  We both wanted to begin our relationship with integrity, so we agreed that after parting ways on this beautiful April Fools day, I would wait to hear directly from him that he had ended things with her. He assured me that he was motivated did not think it would take longer than a few days to a week for him to break up with her.  We both could not stop smiling as we hugged good bye in the parking garage that afternoon.  

Driving home, I marveled at the beautiful turn my life had taken.  I felt blessed, unbelievably happy, chosen and excited for the days ahead.  I had not been talking with or spending any time with Joe for the last eight months, so what was one more week? Especially when I knew the goodness that awaited me at the other end? Oh if only things were that easy.  Looking back now, I plainly see now that as I drove home singing and smiling, I had no idea that in a few short days, I would feel like the world's BIGGEST April Fool, that it would again be months before I would speak with Joe, and that my heart was going to be engaged in a battle only a mountain could have prepared me for.... things were about to get really ugly....

                   ....to be continued....